lachesis vs phosphorus _{Page 12 of 13}

Another example: A few years ago I was interested in psychology to study so I said something about how much psychologists earn and my mother replied that all psychologists are strange people so this made me afraid and think to myself psychology I cannot study. A few years later I hear that my mother decided to study psychology to be a social worker and I was angry. Like how is it now ok all of a sudden. I hated it, I felt great unjust been done to me. But I could not even confront my mother or ask her why studying psychology is now ok as my emotions would come up of embarassment as I dont know what she will say, and uncertainty etc So I was quiet about it and had to take it. I f I could confront her about it and not let people treat me this way I would feel much better about myself. But its hard, such situation would be so uncomfortable, when its about emotional stuff where I could feel embarassed or humiliated I rather avoid it.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Tue, 13 Sep 2011 03:38:21 BST]

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I deleted some posts that I wrote later in the day today where I was a bit unstable because they were a bit chaotic.


The things I posted today where I talked about being controlled by my parents almost all my life and after touching homeopathic books again today since I got nothing better to do, I came to conclusion that my remedy lies between carcinosim, stapysgaria, aurum muriaticum natronatum. Not specifically those remedies, but remedies along those lines, as rejection, forsaken feeling are really deep with me, and I am the mild type who cannot display anger outside because I need people. (Problem with rejection).

At this stage though I am not even letting myself get rejected or be laughed at or whatever and I distance myself from people. At the moment I feel sort of good about myself and think high of myself but if I were to be around people there would be suffering I guess, because I would feel mild, weak, worthless, needing people and am not wanting to put myself in such situations as it feels horrible. Best way is to distance yourself from people, reject them... Maybe that is were platina is/was helping me?

Today I feel a bit of repulsion from my brother, we have gotten a bit closer over the last few days as I felt more comfortable to share emotions but today I feel a bit repulsed by it. I think bad things of my brother again. Negative stuff. Otherwise nothing new, except that a depression is hanging over me, from not having things to do. Not able to do anything.



I dont know where I stand with you David. I hope you are not angry at me and that i did not do anything else wrong. But my feelings are telling me that all is well.

I would really hate if Platina would cure me as I would feel bad that it is not a remedy you prescribed. I could never be a homeopath as its natural that you cannot always prescribe the correct remedy and will be wrong so that would hurt me I guess.

So I dont know why Platina somehow worked to some extend. I was starting to be ok with my emotional vulnerability problem and felt more closer with people. I was setting boundaries with my mother without feeling guilt, with certainty, I put her in place often and gained respect but not with my father yet.

I guess I am writing so much again because I feel lonely a bit

in a nutshell a few things about me:

- emotional weakness/vulnerability

- dont like to talk about my problems in person at all. I never do. A few months ago I was forced to talk about it with my parents and always broke out in tears. It felt so uncomfortable and wished I would not have needed to. A vulnerable situation.

- dont like my mother hugging me, never have physichal contact with her or father or anyone as I dont want to

-pleasing, mild with strangers if I have to talk to them,

- last time I was assertive was 6 years ago in a post office when an old woman didnt want to pay me out some money, back when I was still going to school and it felt great.

- hate being taken advantage of or controlled, fear that I am getting tricked etc

- depression about life, future

- self destructive patterns

- EXTREME fear of rejection, forsaken feeling. If I sense that I am being annoying, or bothering people it hurts. Worst feeling and self reproach follows.

- fear of failure

- lack of confidence

- worthless feelings around people, especially when a new stranger (brothers friend) comes home. I feel so depressed and cannot show myself

- fastidious at the moment about my face and stuff on my computer only, used to be everywhere, my car, room, work

- social anxiety

- Often I think bad of people and reject them though, cannot or dont want to connect to them. I distance myself and rather stay on my own.


Going back to society would be bad because I would be this mild, weak people pleaser who can totally get hurt or taken advantage of and rejected. People will see through me that I am not what I think I am at the moment where I walk around like I dont need anyone and distance myself from people, and dislike most. I believe that is where platina is/was coming in as I actually did not want to socialize/connect as I always had something negative to think about most people or I felt like I am so different from people of my age that I would not want to be with them.

Ok enough.

I dreamed tonight many things:


- i was in a military tank

- there were babies who had to go through the fire to get onto the other side, but the burns would leave them pretty bad so noone really wanted to have those babies as they would look really bad. But than someone wanted one baby. And than later in the dream it seemed like it was a movie again, and I looked into the trolley and saw the baby with its burns but it was a famous NBA basketball player who was dressed as a baby.

- I was at a pool where games were played with famous rapper 50cent

- I was in a house by a stranger with my father and brother to stay for a while, very uncomfortable whenever I saw the strangers and had to speak a bit with them. I rather avoided it always. Than some new strangers came to visit the house I was staying at. I was in a room on my own and heard that everyone was greeting each other and than a black man who seemed to be of high position came into my room, knew my name and greeted me with a nice smile.
The feeling in this house was a common one, where I feel isolated and unable to connect with anyone, and dont even want to, just avoid it all

- lots of other dreams also but cannot remember in detail

- oh yeah one more, I had a big mole or brithmark that was a bit elevated on my back and I didnt know what this is, fear of cancer, than I could see a bit of tissue, it looked horrible


one more was I was driving a truck and it was difficult, once I hit something almost, or when coming to stop lights I was afraid I will not be able to stop and crash in the car in front of me. A difficult task but I didnt crash
[message edited by vitamin.X on Wed, 14 Sep 2011 02:28:57 BST]

I felt a bit of irritability yesterday evening and today in morning. In the morning in bed I felt like I am back to my old state where I feel destructive and irritable, its a state where I dont feel much, not even myself, distant from everything, cannot feel a connection with the environment or myself just this destructivness that something is really wrong and than I look in the mirror and instantly see things wrong, but the sensation is that I feel distant from everything. no feeling, no identification with anything. It feels horrible... but when I got out of bed all was ok. I had a bit of a session in front of the mirror, but came out believing that I am relly good looking and there was never a stress. I believe Platina was a really good remedy. Am still stable. I might go back to it if anthropleura wont do anything.

What if this is an aggravation?

Yes it is. But a mild one. Or not a real one, like in the past. It feels like its trying to do something to me but is not succedding in it. Like I said I just felt it for a brief moment while lieing in bed after waking up. I got more understanding of my BDD now as I felt like wanting to worry about trifles again. Thinking about stuff like my wrinkles, hairline, bumps etc. Its because I dont feel much when I am in this state, I am distant from everything. But all was good and back to the good old when I got out of bed. Well actually no, I looked in the mirror and could feel the anger of things not being the way they are supposed to be, but than I went away from the mirror and all got back to the good old. I spent like less than half a minute in front of the mirror. I feel like it was an attempt to get me back but it will be a bit difficult at this stage. So than I went back to the mirror a few hours later, at first I looked for bad things on my face but it all ended with me believing that I am really good looking more than ever I did this year or the last 2 years

I am feeling good outside and closer to people.

I thought about an event that happend about 5 days ago. The rugby world cup bus with the police escort was getting ready to drive a team to the game and while walking past them, I in my mind tried hard to keep my head up and look uninterested, look away. and so I did. Whether this is normal for someone with social anxiety or specific to platina I dont know. But I tried to make the extra effort as I did not want to look like someone who looks up or is all excited by professional athletes.

If platina were my remedy I dont know where the mild, approval seeking, pleasing me would fit in, maybe palladium after platina, not before like I did, I dont know.

And I am rather fastidious, always was, which platina isnt also.

I can see platina maybe fitting my ego problem as I would never get excited by celebrities, never pay them attention


Although its all speculation. I am happy at the moment. Lets see what anthropleura will do. Yesterday night I felt a bit guilt or something, sorry for the things I have done wrong.

Homeopathy is really great.

Thanks for all the help so far.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Wed, 14 Sep 2011 05:24:57 BST]

So do you mean that you feel better today than yesterday?

I spent alot of time choosing Anthropleura, so I am hopeful that it will change the fundemental conflict that I perceive in your life. Try to remain strong and confident in my skills - until a remedy truly works for you, that is what will keep you focussed and positive.

David
[message edited by brisbanehomoeopath on Thu, 15 Sep 2011 01:39:20 BST]

Thanks. I will try. I am confident in your skills, never doubted them, problem is with my I know better than anyone else attitude I guess.

Today I feel good again. Yes. Had a bit of aggravation and couldnt sleep till 4 am but there is a difference in this aggravation compared to the other ones beofre platina I guess. Stability. I dont get affected or moved by it.

Appreciate you calling me by my name but would rather its deleted for privacy reasons as some family members know I am on here. Paranoia I guess.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 15 Sep 2011 01:29:11 BST]

To expand on what I mean with not getting moved or affected by aggravation. In the past I might have called it a strong aggravation. So this time it felt rather strong, strong sensations in my head and chest, couldnt sleep... but the experience of this aggravation is that it didnt affect me. Not Shatter my system. Its like when you have fear, there is just fear present in the whole system and nothing else. Now it feels like there is stability in the center and the aggravation was just a part that I NOTICED (compared to before, get stressed about)that didnt affect the whole system. Like in the foreground is stability and aggravation is in the background. Its just a small part now, not the center stage. Before it would have been just aggravation through my whole system.

So will see what will happen in the coming days. Animal remedies do feel sort of violent. Like a violent aggravation with a force behind it. Suprised at how well I took it compared to the ambra grisea last time. I remember my BDD was out of control and I picked on my face, created an imperfection and had strong feelings of suicide for a moment. Came a long way since than but in another way I am still somewhat the same (social anxiety and just at home) But things dont affect me or move me that much anymore.

hmm I feel kind of bad about the fight with nawaz now. Sympathy. Thinking of deleting the posts. At first I feel the need to step in by the unjust I see but later feel bad if I cause the person to be lonely and make them feel like everyone is against them now. So feel sympathy and wish to correct it.

I would apologize and wish to make him feel better. But I doubt he would want to hear anything from me.

Well I appreciated your support. There may be an impression generated here that a small group of them are against me here, with me alone in what I argue or believe. It is actually nice to have someone stick up for me so I am grateful for that.

oh I didnt want to write this down at first, but since its a common problem of mine, an issue that comes up often with my father, where I start feeling sympathy after arguing with him while everyone still hates him and cannot forgive him as easily as me. So I thought this info about me might be needed/helpful in future remedy prescriptions.


I dont like my father and would never wish to live with him alone in a house as it would be so uncomfortable, but on the other hand I could not take it if he were to live alone and be lonely if my mother left him for example.

I dont know why. It would be more logical if I could not take it if my mother were living on her own. But for her the feelings wouldnt be strong. And with her I have a much better relationship.

Dont know the logic behind it. Maybe guilt or something
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 15 Sep 2011 02:39:01 BST]

^^There would be 3 issues to it. If my father asked me to live with him I could not say no.

If he were living on his own I would be feeling really bad and thinking about him a lot to the suprise of everyone as we rarely talk and dont have a good relationship

And if he asked me to live with him it would be totally against what I would want. I would so hate it from the uncomfortablness I would feel. I could not live such way. It would destroy me. Me with my father alone would be horrible. I would be so introverted, and have noone to be myself around and connect with, talk with, have real conversations with it. It could not work, something would happen.

When my father is making a stupid joke I have to at least smile if nothing else as it would make me feel so bad if I hurt him.

Ah I am so weak. I would be sooo happy if this emotional weakness could go away.

Edit: It has gotten better, I talk and joke sometimes with him which I did not do before, ever since I got social anxiety as I feel better about myself compared to before
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 15 Sep 2011 03:02:13 BST]

Although when I get a task from my father there can be a problem. If it’s a small task its ok, but if it is one that takes a bit of time theres a problem because I feel like I am being taken advantage of. And there is the problem than of being quiet and doing it while feeling very unhappy about it or speak up about it and let people know that they cannot take advantage of me and get to feel bad and cause a conflict. Very bad situations that I don’t like to be in as both options seem bad.

I feel again a bit egotistical and am not going to delete posts. I swing between my ego or egoless state. When I feel like I presented myself to emotionaly weak or vulnerable I get an ego again. I presented myself with a weakness.

Hopefully the swing back and forth wil become less extreme. There should be a happy balance point somewhere you can reach.

Something i wrote while being outside on a field with my dog, just my opinions on things the way I see them in case there will be something helpful in it:


So it's day 3 today I believe, I feel good generally. No aggravation or worsening noticeable when I talk with my father when he comes home and I am alone with him for a few hours until other family members come home later in the day.



Outside I feel good when I am on my own. For example when I run a bit and see my shadow instead of thinking how bad, tense I look as would usually be the case.. I think of how good and like a special person or whatever I look like. For example like someone i saw in a movie or wherever and it makes me feel good when I see I am like that.



Around people outside, when i am close to them it's not as good as it was but not bad either. Feel an aversion, and heaviness, tiredness when I get close to them.



When I look in the mirror all is good. I feel like I see myself again. A personality and an  expression, and my face looks fuller. I like what I see when I look in the mirror because I feel I  am back.



I can see many different aspects to my case. Like one could make a picture of emotional weakness about me, or on the other hand about being a pleaser, wanting social contact, being sympathetic and just wanting to get along with everyone. Than on the other hand the self hate, ugliness ,being my worst enemy... And my ego struggle at last to be something great or special which I personally don't feel strong at the moment, but I felt a bit of intensity behind it that would make me think it's the core of my problem - the ego struggle. That all would fall into place and get sorted if that were dealt with. Or another way that it is my deepest issue.  Which could have been seen on the palladium that when I told myself that 'nothing can defeat me' for a few days, my BDD was not an issue. I could look at myself those days

- rejection is a big problem too.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 15 Sep 2011 06:15:09 BST]

It will be a bit hard to differentiate whether it's platina or anthropleura. I hope to get a real aggravation in the coming days.

I had an embarassing situation. I was walking in front of another 'dog walker' with my dog. SO my dog was constantly looking back and did not want to walk. So I had to pull her with force to drag her along me and it made me get red in my face and feel embarassed.

But again I feel like it did not really affect me. Like not a big deal. When the situation was over it was over also, no bad feelings after. This has been my experience with platina. THat everything lost intensity

I am sorry for mentioning Platina so much. Just feel like I need to be acurate. To date every remedy I took had a different feel to it. A different experience. And I have yet to feel what anthropleura is. Somehow I feel like I am not going to get the feel, because of what platina did to me in a good way. But I could be wrong we will see.

That's right. There will be confusion now - that is why remedies should never be taken together, why they should not be taken too soon after one another without proper assessment. It actually slows treatment down not speeds it up.

It seems you are a person who needs to learn from his own mistakes, rather than from someone else's. Hopefully the lessons will stick :)