lachesis vs phosphorus _{Page 9 of 13}

And there is one other bad thing... this was a user ID I used to post on here. There are no other ones I used that you dont know about anymore
[message edited by vitamin.X on Wed, 07 Sep 2011 01:57:18 BST]

This is just the same pattern you have always shown. No remedy you have taken has made any difference to it. You are not Aurum. You continue to talk out of your knowledge of the materia medica rather than out of your real self. What you believe about remedies is irrelevent and is only hindering you being healed. As I have said before, if you wish to be sick for the rest of your life, continue doing what you are doing.

Same themes - Good/Bad, High/Low, Ego/Shame - nothing has changed same pattern same expressions same problem.

Stop reading the materia medica or you will never get well. If that is what you want, then continue doing it. Continuing taking the wrong remedies, proving them, continue going through the same cycles while your disease distorts and cripples your vital force - if this is your desire.

I know I always sound so harsh with you, but honestly you are like some naughty child who cannot follow any direction or instructions, driven to act against any advice. But you are an adult, and if you continue this way, the result will be suffering and pain until the end of yoru life. Make a choice, stop self prescribing, stop getting in the way of people who are genuninely trying to help you, stop treating homoeopathy with this deep disrespect.

I am not going to help you until you display a real desire to get well, and can allow someone else to direct and control your treatment.

Phew I was shaking and expecting the worst when I saw your reply but it was not so bad. Didnt feel anxiety while reading it.

I know I am not aurum, otherwise I would not feel guilt. I havent read any materia medica, its the old knowledge that is still in my mind.

I am thinking maybe I have no identity but who knows.


So what remedy could fit me, with the following themes:

Same themes - Good/Bad, High/Low, Ego/Shame - nothing has changed same pattern same expressions same problem.

Does anthropleura fit that? or have the themes about me become visible after you did the research.

I dont believe I have proved any remedy.
-I can be very haughty and contemptous of other people but on the other hand also very sympathetic it all depends.

I havent experienced anything new or new symptoms. So dont worry

Your not harsh at all, I deserve whatever you say, am not even going to try and defend myself.

Thanks for still being open to help me

You proved Palladium at the very least, and I remember seeing some Lachesis proving symptoms come up.

The themes are animal themes, no doubt in my mind. That leaves hundreds of remedy choices. The remedy I last prescribed you is animal so you should take that.

Ok, 7 more days than until its 2 weeks since last 1M dose.

We prove in remedies those things we are most susceptible to. Since Ego/Shame is one of your themes any remedy with that same theme will more likely express itself through you.

I thought about letting it go but since it might be important I feel I need to say that I don’t think I proved palladium. There has been an intensification of my ego struggle but it was still nothing new to me. I also had an ego struggle when I took Phosphorus and thought about getting rid of guys I saw on the street who were walking confidently, the first few days of aggravation. I felt like an emotionless cold killer on phosphorus too, and I believe that this remedies theme is not about that so it could not be a proving.
I believe the weak, needy, approval, attention seeking me has disappeared since palladium and that is good. And since the palladium I am eating much more in the mornings. It is true that the ego intensification lasted past the 7 days. I was like a monster. But it felt good. Good to have an ego again and the spiritual stuff I read in the past did not have a hold on me anymore. I would describe it as that my ego who got lots of beating from reading spiritual books came back to live. At the time I took palladium I felt like gone is the spiritual garbage I read about ego always leading to destruction or that its not a smart thing to be competive, battling etc… This stuff depressed me deeply about life and I never felt good since than to be ego identified or have a big ego. Having an ego seemed wrong or dumb so life became pretty depressing and I could not feel good anymore. I could not have an ego anymore. But palladium brought it back so maybe the intensity was just from the force of my ego coming back suddenly and me feeling good about having an ego and not caring anymore so that it was more intense.


So I would not say it was a proving. I had no ego struggles since the palladium. This is my version of it but of course it could be that its not true. Spiritual books really depressed me. Before starting homeopathy I could not get involved into attention seeking or drama as I knew its just an ego thing, its just a tool for survival, there is no other reason for it and this just depressed me so deeply. Or on the TV when I saw drama on reality TV shows it depressed me so much again too that I could not continue watching it as its just an ego thing again which is only in place for survival. I mean why do you live than if everything you do in this world is just for survival, no other meaning. Very depressing.

I still remember the day when I took my second homeo remedy Ignatia 200C prescribed by parakletos on here and on the day of taking it I could let go the spiritual crap I read and live again, after a few years of depression feel good again about having an ego and be dramatic or attention seeking. It was a good experience

Ok, I didnt see your reply before posting my last post.

I dont know whether it was proving on palladium or not and it does not matter, makes no difference, (apart from needing to stop taking remedies on my own of course). I just posted what I posted above in case I reveal some more info about me.


Thanks
[message edited by vitamin.X on Wed, 07 Sep 2011 03:22:42 BST]

Spiritual books were like c_ancer to me. Took the desire for life, the meaning of life away from me. I could not be dramtic anymore since I knew its just a tool for survival. Very depressing!

You can see you have no idea what happened, what is working, what direction you are going in, what remedy has done what, whether anything is really improving.

This sort of chaos never happens on the Simillimum.

Proving symptoms may never have been seen before. Any symptom that is new, or develops new qualities, is a proving symptom. Patients who prove the remedies given to them, add to our materia medica knowledge. The fact that no-one has recorded that symptom before means nothing. When you change for the worse, on a remedy, in a way that feels different to you, then it is most likely a proving.

On the other hand, each remedy is just like a traumatic event, an accident, an attack, and your vital force, if strong enough will throw up its normal defences. If the remedy is stronger, then you will get proving symptoms mixed in with your symptoms, creating a huge mess for any practitioner trying to sort it out.

Correct palladium, platina do not seem to be my simillimum... I just thought about taking my dog in front of the house to umm go to toilet lol dont know how you say that, but could not do it because on the other side of the street the neighbour was in front of his house. I would feel horrible if my neighbour would see me in my depressed, bad state of mind where my body movements arent smooth and I look like a mess that makes everyone think what is wrong with me.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Wed, 07 Sep 2011 04:06:00 BST]

I am unhappy about posting so much again. Fighting, providing info, as it makes me look so small again. I feel much better when I don’t feel the need to do this. When I can let it just be. I feel I am locked in my ego again sort of but not entirely yet. I wished the BDD and all those worries about small things would go so that I can feel better about myself. I want this to stop. Its so nice when I can accept things and face the music when I do wrong and dont defend myself but at times I get locked back into my ego which makes me act small.

It has been a rather bad day. It feels like back to square 1. I feared embarrassment around every corner, constant dread that around every corner or somewhere something bad will happen. Every time I heard a car or people I had to hide. Once I saw some people around my age who were close to my home in front of their house and when I saw them I had to take the long way home around to not have to walk past them. I once took a look at them and sort of froze with anxiety. And then quickly turned away and went the other way around the long way while worrying about how strange I must have appeared and worried if anyone of those guys saw my expression on my face. I did not want to walk past them because I feared they will all laugh at me. I have no defence against it. All I can think of for what could make me walk past people like this would be to have at least a friendship with someone outside my home as I will feel much better than.


I thought about making it simple, taking a step back. All I wish is to get back to the old way I used to be. What is holding me back from it is uncertainty and fear. I don’t have the certainty anymore as I used to have when interacting with people, about myself, my body, about their reactions, about how I look, how people see me etc... I feel out of control and it is too much. I don’t want to ever go back to society therefore. Smoking marijuana made me totally uncertain and feel out of control so many times when I had to be around people while high. It was difficult to control myself. My voice sometimes would sound so strange or I would behave different. I also got laughed at often.


So I am uncertain about how people will respond to me, I don’t know it. And its too much for me. Getting rejected, ignored is the worst feeling, makes me feel soo worthless, bad and wrong and I am not going to let myself be ever rejected or made to feel horrible about myself. I rather avoid it. And I see myself being isolated if I go back to society and I will not let this happen as it will hurt too much. I don’t want to bear this again. And with my current 100’s of fears in social situations and fear of losing control there cannot be another possibility other than that I will be isolated or with people but really inhibited. And this in turn will be danger to me again as I might get hurt by being told again whats wrong with me or that I should not be so inhibited etc which will hurt and not make me feel good at all. Its so horrible. Rejection, getting ignored, isolate, made to feel not good enough, hurt, humiliated, laughed at those are horrible things and difficult to bear.


But on the other hand I cannot avoid it. It is danger as I need to get over my anxiety as I will have to work or study soon, and I MUST get over my anxiety as quick as possible as time is running out. I don’t want to live when I am old, or miss out on life while I am still young. This MUST not happen and I must do whatever I can to get over my anxiety as quick as possible. I have lots of fears, claustrophobia, snakes, underwater animals, heights, death, etc


And I feel horrible about what has happened to me. How this uncertainty and fear made me feel worthless, h

A FEW NEW THINGS:

I was woken up by the noise downstairs from family members very early at around 8am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. Usually I would feel like a zombie, really awful but not this time, not since Platina anymore. So I feel this pleasant feeling of security in my stomach area, my chest feels lighter or better, I feel my body more – no numbness and my head feels really good too. I am very happy about this being back. I even went downstairs an hour later after trying to fall back to sleep unsuccessfully and could joke with my mother, because I felt so good, light. I don’t know what it is, whether it’s the pleasant feeling of security, or my chest feeling lighter, or the numbness sort of gone for the most part that is making me feel good and more in touch with everything.


Although once I thought I overheard my mother and father speak about me again and needing to do something and I reacted with sort of a shock again. Like am I hearing right, is this true. This just gives me a nasty sort of panic/or anxiety always. But I felt like it didn’t shake my whole body this time. Since Platina I am reacting much less. I notice on dating sites I could get blocked by girls without being really affected by it. Or read your replies when I expected something negative/hurtful but without feeling the usual anxiety.


I feel good physically. And my BDD is definitely better too since Platina. I am much less in front of the mirror and when I am I don’t see my face in fear like I said. What Platina has done is made me less reactive more stable. I can notice it. My stress responses are less. I feel so normal physically this morning, light no heaviness and feeling, connected with the environment

I have been made aware that only 2 more months and I will need to be decided on what I will study as enrollment for university starts than. And it makes me feel horrible and want to hurry. I dont want to ever be around people on a daily basis like school or work. I hate that enviornment. I will get hurt by either peoples reaction towards me or by being isolated. I just hate it.

If I had to go to school right now I would feel totally lost, like where is it going to lead, what am I doing etc. I would feel horrible. It wouldnt feel right

And I hate heat. Have been outside again and the sun makes me feel so energy-less. And breath with more difficulty and gives me this sort of unreal feeling.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 00:23:16 BST]

Your alternating experience of feeling good and feeling bad is the same as usual. You have said you felt better on every remedy you have taken, said you are improving, something has changed, but you continue to just express the same problems, same issues, same pattern. I suspect it is just placebo - a genuine curative effect doesn't look like this.

It would hold true for every remedy except platina. With palladium for example I could not say that anything pysichally changed for the better. But with platina I definately feel less numb, good feeling of security in abdomen area.

I am not happy with this to want to stay with plaina as its not enough, and do not want to stay with platina as I still worry about getting hurt or feel uncomfortable around strangers and want to avoid it. But but when no people insight outside I can lose myself and feel good.

After I take a redose of a remedy there is no placebo anymore. It only happens the first time I take the remedy.

Before I redosed I felt the heaviness and anxiety in my chest again when my father came home so I doubt this will last. But it seems some symptoms platina cures helped me, so I might have something in common with it, numbness etc

You have claimed good results on every remedy so far, you convince yourself for awhile it is working, then all the same things come back.

The real problem with being your own homoeopath is the level of self-deception is very high, and you cannot see the changes that may or may not be happening because your view is so subjective. Because you want to believe you are making good choices, that the remedy will help you, you talk yourself into it for awhile. This is an act of Will, that has nothing to do with the remedies.

Even if the remedies are having some genuine effect, it is either only palliative, or it you are creating remedy effects that fulfill the delusion that you have - that you must be higher than others, or that you must avoid being lower. You like remedies when they enhance your ego. However, this is is just catering to your disease, it is not real cure.

I am a deep thinker i would say. I thought about all those points myself on the first week of taking the remedy. Pondered whether this is now an effect because I enhanced my ego or not but it doesnt matter. I doubt Platina is my remedy. Far from it. I believe it might be just paliative like you say but no placebo at this stage anymore as I defintately dont want to redose again with Platina. I broke identification with it. At this stage I still feel my body more, pleasant feeling in abdomen area and I am much less moved by things, nonreactive as I said above I can take getting blocked or sort of critizised without loosing my mind. Which I like. But it feels like Platina hasnt touched the core of my problem.


I would be happy if you would read the above posts where I took a step back and wrote what I want to change

hmmm I am feeling rather good now. Good to be myself and seems like the bad feelings about me are less and feel a bit of self confidence or to be acurate rather egotism. Like I said before, before I redosed with Platina I felt also for a few days good again too, good about myself. Platina gave me a taste again of how its like when you feel good about yourself. Which to date definately did not happen on any other remedy. And I think it would be a mistake to just dismiss it as placebo. As I highly doubt it. My BDD is quite bad or was so it does not withstand more than a few days of placebo max and than its back to the old. I believe the improvements are here because the tensions, numbness is less. I also feel lighter generally. So this in return must have a positive effect on me mentally. As lots of my bad feelings about myself come from looking/feeling anxious, tense, numb.
Well I dont know. I am just reporting how I feel. And what I am reporting of if you look at it from a bigger picture as a whole are maybe rather small things, or changes, not that big. But definately bigger than the ones I used to report in the past.

Theres a reason why I redosed with Platina and not palladium for example because it didnt feel like it did enough so I lost interest quick. I never redosed with any remedy on my own except lachesis and Platina now.

Whats strange is that my dreams have completely changed since a few weeks ago. So remedies must affect your dreams I assume. Now every other day there is a celebrity in my dream. Tonight there was britney spears in it. and I think I dreamed about the titanic. And once I dreamed about some cleaning devices being in the ocean looking like oil platforms or similar that released their dirt into the sea every now and than which made me feel bad and tell them that its wrong, they shouldnt do it

I wonder what this means if its a metaphor for dirt or disgust or something

EDIT: In the morning I also felt a sense of harmony which I havent for ages, my mother seemed happy, my father too, they were talking happily I was feeling good a sense of harmony at home. Which makes me feel really good. Hate disharmony at home.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 02:37:47 BST]

I know I swing so often from one side to the other. I am really unstable and can loose myself so quick, but platina helped with that. Ah its so great when your not so reactive or moved/stressed by things so quick. Or the addictive/compulsive behaviours seem to be going.

I still believe its just paliation that platina isnt my remedy.

I am completely lost on what remedy it could be though. No idea and I am not touching materia medicas again. books and software on homeopathy has been deleted as I do not wish to interfer with the remedy selection anymore. Its time that I get healed.

Of course you are lost. Nobody can choose their remedy, or has even an inkling of where to look for it. That is the very point I have been trying to make with you all along.

I feel sort of out of control, but no reaction from my body or mind, I havent lost my mind and am not sitting here feeling horrible and lost.

What I mean is I feel that I am not being taken serious, that I am being dismissed, that my posts are out of control, all over the place not in order, just chaos and this makes me feel a bit Suffocating. Or another example would be as if I am being put into a mental hospital because everyone believes something of me which is not true (that I am insane for example) but no attempt from me can make people convince that I am speaking the truth (not insane) and change their minds about me. In this case I feel I am not being taken serious and there is nothing I can do about it which feels horrible

But this time it doesnt feel strong. I dont react or lose my mind but the issue that I still feel this way (not being taken serious)must mean that its just paliation I am assuming.

Well if I can be honest. I think there is always some hidden agenda when people say this. That they are just trying to trick me or dont want me to be able to find my remedy and succeed in something they could not succeed in themselves... if you know what I mean. So I dont believe anything until I see for myself. Lots of haters out there who dont want to see you shine or be better than them lol and its depressing as I dont know what to do in such situations. I cannot go against people as I need to be liked or not make enemies who will treat me badly or hurt me but I find it unfair also
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 02:59:33 BST]

There is a pattern I am seeing. I am talking and talking feeling kind of drunk on my ego. Than all of a sudden a thought comes that stops me where I feel that everyone dislikes me by the way I am acting and are going to walk away from me. I fear that I am not seeing how I am acting which I believe makes me disliked by people and so everyone will walk away from me.

Its this uncertainty that comes over me where I dont know anything anymore and fear the worst that everyone will walk away, leave me. So usually this makes me than talk even more in an attempt to try and correct everything and present myself in a likable way again but it always ends with people living me anyway because for some reason I still act really annoying against my will. Its horrible.

Ok I posted a lot again. I better stop now

I like to be liked. But there is fear always in the background and I cannot forget how it feels like when people walk away from you or dislike you that it is ruining everything and ruining any chance of me ever being back to the old me and get liked. Now I am inhibited, quiet, anxious, uncertain, a control freak, etc in person, but over the internet the opposite talking, talking, talking, extroverted, but sooo uncertain and fearing that whatever I say or do is stupid, dumb, not good. I think about how whatever I say will be perceived and make me look, than I get uncertain and lose my mind.

Argh. I am so UNCERTAIN and AFRAID which makes me worry that I am ANNOYING and get REJECTED, make people WALK AWAY, and me feel BAD about MYSELF. And suspect that this will happen always now.

I have to much energy today, please excuse me for all those posts
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 03:41:39 BST]