lachesis vs phosphorus _{Page 10 of 13}

There is a pattern I am seeing. I am talking and talking feeling kind of drunk on my ego. Than all of a sudden a thought comes that stops me where I feel that everyone dislikes me by the way I am acting and are going to walk away from me. I fear that I am not seeing how I am acting which I believe makes me disliked by people and so everyone will walk away from me.

Its this uncertainty that comes over me where I dont know anything anymore and fear the worst that everyone will walk away, leave me. So usually this makes me than talk even more in an attempt to try and correct everything and present myself in a likable way again but it always ends with people living me anyway because for some reason I still act really annoying against my will. Its horrible.

Ok I posted a lot again. I better stop now

I like to be liked. But there is fear always in the background and I cannot forget how it feels like when people walk away from you or dislike you that it is ruining everything and ruining any chance of me ever being back to the old me and get liked. Now I am inhibited, quiet, anxious, uncertain, a control freak, etc in person, but over the internet the opposite talking, talking, talking, extroverted, but sooo uncertain and fearing that whatever I say or do is stupid, dumb, not good. I think about how whatever I say will be perceived and make me look, than I get uncertain and lose my mind.

Argh. I am so UNCERTAIN and AFRAID which makes me worry that I am ANNOYING and get REJECTED, make people WALK AWAY, and me feel BAD about MYSELF. And suspect that this will happen always now.

I have to much energy today, please excuse me for all those posts
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 03:41:39 BST]

Socializing seems like an impossible task to me. For it my body has to be under my control, my appearance good or normal which I have the most trouble with. I look so tense, afraid, have a wild look in my eyes, its horrible to be like this around people.

Then I have to be interesting or normal to not get to feel hurt by the social interaction. And I also must not make the other person uncomfortable or feel bad as it is going to hurt me or make me feel bad too.

Then I must get indications that the person I talk to likes me otherwise I get hurt by that too.

Than there is uncertainty about what is acceptable socially, how can I act, is it ok if I say this or that as I become so uncertain over the years.


Than I got problems with my speech, I pronounce words badly, I used to get critizised a lot for swallowing words at the end when speaking from feeling anxious. Its so noticable when I speak that I am anxious because my voice trembles. I tremble internally and my hands shake everytime I am really anxious

I get red quick in my face and feel embarassed

When I walk I walk like a stoner, and some girls once even laughed while walking past me and one girl said to the other 'stoner'. That I look high on some drugs.
I walk really tense, like a dead man, frozen, as if I am not alive really. or in my body


I think in terms of symptoms it couldnt get more worse than it is. A wild look, trembling, unclear voice, blushing, embarassment, heart palptations...


Socializing has become such a difficult thing. Although it is better than it used to be before homeopathic treatment

The problem with all this is that I really like being in company, socilizing, nothing would make me feel better I believe but not in my current state of course. Now it would cause me lots of trouble
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 06:10:09 BST]

I had a short sleep as i woke up to early today and felt tired. Going back to bed throughout the day is always a difficult thing no matter how tired I am. I believe its difficult to give up control and just let myself fall asleep. So before falling asleep while lieing in bed as always (at daytime only) I felt really weak and tired and this increases the heart palpitations. That feel like a shaking. When I woke up I also had heart palpitations as always and a numbness and tension in my teeth (which Is normal for me)

I dreamed about driving a car, and there was police on the side of the road investigating something at a bulding and I felt out of control sort of. My foot wasnt moving when I wanted it to move. I was worried that I will drive to fast and unjunstified maybe pursued by the police if they notice.

I feel really fine and light. Usually I would have such a full head and chest, heaviness all over me, tiredness, but none like that since platina. Just a bit of tension/heaviness in my arms, back and chest. But much less compared to before
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 05:58:45 BST]

I wonder whether one could say miasm is correct or kingdom. If it means something that I redosed with lachesis and platina who are same miasm. I have also been eating quite alot today too and I am feeling sort of happy to be alive. At least a bit of joy while in my home and not the torture of BDD anymore. I hope I wont ever get back to that bad state where I feel so numb, heavy and isolated, in a dark place where noone can help me. I feel more connected and in touch with everything, my body, surroundings, but the heat from the sun outside makes me feel sort of isolated and unreal still.

I dont know how to describe it. Very difficult. I feel alone than, sort of like something is really wrong and its all doomed. Like if in the town there are no people or a virus wiped them all out and I am alone and unable to connect with anyone. Its a dark thing. Its not simply just an isolating feeling.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 06:35:27 BST]

I must inform again that my orderliness/cleanliness obsession has transfered itself into BDD when one evening I was told I am loosing hair. And I never cleaned my room since than or car. Or sorted/ordered files on my computer like I used to do always. I am talking here about that I would not touch my mouse without a cloth to not make it dirty as it would not look new anymore.

At the moment I still have no desire to clean or order anything. Something bothers me about it. I dont feel anything when I think of it and it makes me feel a bit destructive. I believe it reminds me of the past, the BDD, the unsuccessfull attempts of getting over my social anxiety and what will I do now. I am done. Burned out no energy or motivation left.

When my BDD was bad I could not make myself clean or order anything as the BDD had my full attention. I would feel no joy if I were to clean or order my room as this conflict on my face was still unresolved. This had to be solved first, brought under control.

So when I think of cleaning now its like my future and everything gets blocked again. I dont feel anything except for feeling destructive and wanting to break out of this state



EDIT:I wished I never done the memory clearing as it brought on so many new issues. And it made me feel like I wished I would never feel again. I almost destroyed myself in an attempt to get rid of my social anxiety.

At that time I also got involved into sexual self seeking that I am to embarassed to mention here. And thought about sex almost all day and some fantasies. As I felt so numb, couldnt feel anything except when thinking of sex.

I dont do the sexual self seeking anymore for a while now but the fantasy is still in my head and I would be happy if this would go away too
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 07:02:31 BST]

Hmm I went out again and felt really good. It must have been an aggravation yesterday still as today it's back to how it was before I redosed with platina. I believe now I have at least a remedy that helps me sort of.

I felt calm, could look around myself, felt good about myself which I haven't in a long time. I have my playfulness back. When I feel good I am sort of an actor. I dramatize my expressions, like when I pass the street and a car is coming towards me I will make an expression. This type of things make me feel good about myself. Acting, expressing emotions... I wonder why palladium didn't act therefore as I believe I really fit it. Well I don't know

Platina is a good one. I could make a list about what has gotten better.
[message edited by Platina on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 07:45:50 BST]

I want to add that being special or wanting to be special is not an issue anymore. I think since taking platina I havent talked about this ever since. Also I watched a history program on TV yesterday night about some ancient battles - the persian wars and I also didnt go in a over the top state of wanting to be big or great. I felt excited watching it but no desire to be someone great or big in an unstable way. I think I was stable and normal. I always liked history programs.

EDIT: I wished I lived in those times and would be involved in those battles on one side but on the other hand there is fear of death. So I am about 50:50 on it. But in the end I would be all for battles like this and overcome it. As not doing it is as good as being dead anyway and you are going to die once anyway so why not while being someone great. Old times would be perfect for me. This days what do you have. You can only become great or big by being a musican or sport athlete or businessman
[message edited by vitamin.X on Thu, 08 Sep 2011 10:52:04 BST]

hmm I have been on dating website. I didnt care again and said what is on my mind. I have been blocked by a few girls and it was like nothing to me. Did not affect me at all. I like it. I took it in a fun way. There were some girls I messaged who were hot and didnt reply to me and I did not lose my mind and want to get a reply from them. I was perfectly fine with not getting one. THis is a change.

I am not sure whether Platina is right but also not that its not right. I lean more to that it is right. Maybe things will start slowly improving. When I go for walks outside I am lost in my thoughts too and dont think about where the next person will pass me.

Well I dont know what to say. I definately am open to taking platina a 3rd time if need be.

I already gave up on Platina and was looking at other remedies like aurum 3 days ago, so I changed my mind.

I dont know exactlty how come it is working. I definately am getting tastes of how its like to feel good about yourself again. But I am feeling slightly more tense today in my chest, which makes me lean forward always. It could very well be because I went late to bed yesterday night from chatting on dating websites.

For example after going to bed last night I looked in the mirror and said to myself 'what are you worthless person chatting with girls' etc like look at you bla bla - something negative and I initially felt bad for a second just a lil bit but it went away in a moment, and I could not feel bad. I went in my bed, turned on the music and it was forgotten. I am really sort of stable. Not getting moved or reacting. Or getting overwhelmed with a huge force or intensity of negative emotions.


Ah there are so many sides to me. Like yesterday I felt again I am great and must not let anyone defeat me after I saw the improvements back. As was the case on the palladium only not as crazy, rather normal. Than on the other hand I can be very mild and feminine but at other times like a killing machine.

Or at times very sexual or at other times completely turned off by it

Or feel so worthless and bad at times and at other times be egotistic and think there is noone like me.

I still have my doubts about Platina.

I took 3 drops about 8 hits and 2 teaspoons the first time... no real aggravation could just feel some energy movement in my head. Followed a few days by feeling this pleasant feeling in my stomach and a nice tiredness all day long as if my body is having orgasms all day (Hate that word still - orgasm, what it means)

On redose I had 3 drops 10 hits and just 1 teaspoon this time... and aggravation was the same except the energy flow and tingling in my head and chest was more noticable. I had a problem which was my brothers friends were sleeping over from previous night and downstairs. So I didnt want to go down as I felt so worthless and thought I will feel so depressed in their presence but I could not feel bad about it. So the aggravation would have been like the one on the first dose of platina. But than I uncovered the curtains once and saw my face and I didnt like it but no real reaction, than I heard a song playing that calmed me down or made me accepting and think of death.

Maybe potency is right or something that I dont have the best effect? That would make me have not even one doubt. As I know in homeopathy you should use at least another potency before moving away from a remedy.

And I understand something now. Its not energy flow that I feel. People who are numb feel a sort of tingling when the numbness is going away so that must be what I feel.

So perhaps a 10M potency on next dose as I would like to test whether Platina really works?
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 09 Sep 2011 02:27:41 BST]

The phone was ringing once at home and you know I felt a bit of heaviness on my chest, anxiety, but no heart palpitations. But I went downstairs anyway to pick up the phone although I was too late.

I went down despite knowing that I will very likely talk unclear but I was in a good mood, the bad feelings about ME seem to be fading. I felt like I could take it if I sound bad, that it wont make me feel bad about MYSELF. Fear or anxiety, I don’t believe are my issues. Overcoming fear makes you feel good. I could stand all day on a height and try to overcome my fear of heights for example if I wanted too. I mean I would keep trying as this makes me feel good about myself, I see it as a chance to make myself feel better about myself.

But my problems are: that I feel bad about myself in social situations and the BDD which makes me feel bad about myself too. This is the core. The 2 aspects with this all is doomed and hopeless. I need to feel good about myself most important. Fear, anxieties can be conquered if for example talking on the phone with a bad voice or feeling tensions in my chest stomach doesn’t make me feel bad. If later this wont affect me and make me feel bad about myself.

Right now I am feeling like my BDD out of a 0 to 3 meaning its cured ( a non issue) it’s a 2.25. It could be more but I rather give less than more. And I am thinking that it was a bit ridiculous that I felt so bad about my appearance and myself when in fact I know there is no reason for it. I have gotten often compliments and I know I don’t really look bad. I don’t need to every girl to like me. I know I cannot be good looking to everyone and I don’t need to.

Maybe lycopodium could be my remedy also? As I don’t believe I am great or a leader, and I rather have many fears. Although I don’t know anymore, I feel like being afraid of narrow places – claustrophobia. Being afraid is as good as being dead anyway so I might as well overcome this fear and put myself into narrow places on purpose so that I don’t feel like a coward or bad about myself anymore


I don’t really know. Just posting in case it reveals anything new

I sweat from below my armpits again whenever I am slightly stressed. Writing this made me sweat, although I didn’t really feel anxious or stressed. Its how it was in the past. Sweat most strong from below arm pits.

I am sorry for mentioning lycopodium again. But I will never be able to dismiss it and know for certain that its not my remedy. Because things like: failure, people pleaser, ego wanting to be big, wanting to be liked, rejections cannot bear, lack of confidence etc are things that ring true for me. And this feeling of being small and wanting to be big but doubting my abilities maybe too? (I dont know)


Or natrum and aurum about the emotional problems: vulnerability, closeness, not able to say the words I love you to anyone, being in a relationship because love is a weakness, not able to hurt my father no matter what unless I get critizised by him, guilt etc are things that ring really true for me too.

So I will never be able to dismiss those remedies. Sorry

I went out to town with my car and sure positives are noticeable but I think its not enough. I have no idea what I am supposed to expect from my simmilimum after 2 doses. Things feel ok, nothing to complain about but it could be better I am guessing.



I still got tense and had to clench my fist at traffic stop lights from all the people around. I am fine with being without my sun glasses on as I feel calmer. And I noticed having sun glasses on makes me feel infact worse. It makes me feel isolated from people. Hiding.

I drive fast everytime, but when people see it I feel anxiety and bad. Because its wrong. But again all is sort of less intense than compared to before.

I am confused. I dont mind staying with Platina but I guess I would rather have a different remedy as I am not sure of Platina.

I would be happy if I could give my case again and get something prescribed.

when I came home and parked my car, someone of my age, my neighbour was next standing by his car. And I was afraid of looking afraid. Than I got out of my car and feared he might say something to me and this would be horrible as I felt anxious and would fail appear like an idiot. So I got my dog and when I was walking away from the car I felt I am out of danger and now I can walk confidently to show him that I am not an afraid idiot.

Theres rugby world cup fever here and I thought about how good the rugby players must be feeling, having a battle against another team while the whole country counts on them to win. I would love to be in such situation and give my all,

I feel isolated sort of, away from the action and attention. I should be there and one of those players. I sort of feel in the background the feelings I had on palladium but not intense

All is sort of well. Everything has less intensity and am stable is how I could sum it up.

It’s a bit strange that I feel isolated and wished company, but on the other hand I could never go and support a team or wave a flag.

Or something similar I listen to music in my car that I downloaded illegally only before it becomes popular on the radio because than I could not listen to it anymore as everyone else is listening to it.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 09 Sep 2011 12:09:28 BST]

I am noticing that it is easier to chat with girls on dating sites. I dont care if I blow it or say something that could cause me to get rejected. Dont feel bad.

wrong ID - deleted
[message edited by Platina on Fri, 09 Sep 2011 14:22:27 BST]

So at this stage I believe continuing Platina is right. Its miracoulous how I dont react and can take getting comments from people that usually would make me feel bad. I dont feel bad. Its gone. I can see how I am trying to feel bad when I sometimes get a message that could be taken in a bad way. But I just cannot.

I didnt expect homeopathy to be like this, to just make the bad feelings away. I thought that it will give me things. Things I feel I lost. But its ok. Now I feel like I can chat with girls again and grow or learn from mistakes as there are no setbacks - dont feel bad.


Maybe I should try a higher potency next time?? 10M of platina? If platina were not my remedy would it mean it should not act on me since its such high potency.

On dating sites the conversations I am having with girls are now again actually about other things than just sex as usually was the case. I got my creativity back. I feel like I am again interesting when chatting.

double post
[message edited by vitamin.X on Sat, 10 Sep 2011 04:01:21 BST]

Things are better in every way really. I feel ok outside.

But today I am feeling like unhappy with my life. I see I am in this situation where my life is very boring and bad. I am just at home and do nothing and I dont see how this will change. How to get out of this?? Its depressing.

I was told by my brother how a friend of his is baby sitting some babies of some of my neighbours and I thought about how difficult that were for me if I had to do such thing. I would be so afraid of doing something wrong. I would have really high expectations of me and the responsibility would be to much for me.


I dreamed tonight of being in an elevator. I had to go up to the 17th floor. I was afraid to step into it at first as there were no windows, no way out if the elevator gets stuck. So I was going up and just hoping that it will get up to the 17th floor without getting stuck because than I would panic as there would be no way to get out.

Another dream was about me doing something on the street at traffic lights and people were looking at me but than I said to myself that I dont care if they look at me.

and last one was me being at a hairdresser with friends. Friends called over a hairdresser and told them that I want a haircut but I than declined and said I will cut it at home on my own, but than I thought I really want a good hair cut and will be able to take it to be with a hairdresser and talk a bit if I have too. If I decide to get a haircut and go with the hairdresser than I am with her and will have to be there no matter how difficult it might get. I will not be able to get away. So I am afraid of putting myself in such situations

Why do I not get some questions to answer? I would really like to do that. Think I could do better now than a few months ago as I know things better and more accurately what my pysichal and mental symptoms are.

Throughout the day I feel tired and an oppression on my chest and agony as I feel I am supposed to do something. At night it is better. As it's night and there is nothing I am supposed to do anymore.


I like a blue sky and hate cloudy grey whether as it makes me feel trapped. Something over me. Blue sky makes me feel like all is open. But the heat of the sun can make me very tired and feel isolated.


There is a dream I had in childhood when I as around 4-6 years of age that I still remember which was about clouds coming down to the height of buildings, skyscrapers.



I know you told me to take anthropleura, but I often feel when I get something prescribed that I am now limited to this remedy. It's a claustrophobic reaction. And so I feel I need to do whatever I can, continue listing symptoms to make you change your mind.


How many remedies have claustrophobia + many other fears?

I am a bit confused on what to do. I definitely feel better outside. And a calmness when I look at people

I had to laugh again uncontrollably when some people were looking at me. I dont know why I do it. Dont like it, cannot control it