lachesis vs phosphorus _{Page 3 of 13}

I ordered palladium just for the sake of ordering something so that the owner won't think something bad of me.


I had a bit of a BDD moment again. I will describe it:
I looked over my teeth and noticed to my great danger that one tooth looks really misaligned. This is great danger to me. When I looked at myself I saw I look like an idiot now.


I cannot describe the feeling and danger I feel when I see a new perceived ugliness. It felt like I lost everything. I have fallen down from a high place. I became nothing. Its not ugliness, I see myself as nothing good anymore, ruined, lost. As if stripped from  10000$ clothes to become naked. It has a meaning for me. I lost something. Which I can never accept.


I am glad my mind does not let me rest and takes such things seriously. I am happy I have a BDD as long as it's not over the top. As long as it makes me be aware of my appearance and fix any flaws I might see, or see any change for the worse.


Sorry for the coming bad analogy but I can't think of anything better at the moment.


If you were a queen or king only so because of your good appearance you would probably get BDD too if you would notice one night like I did that you are loosing your good appearance (I was told I am loosing hair which caused the BDD). Alarms went of. Great danger to me. I must not lose my appearance. Without it I am nothing. I am just like everyone else. I cannot allow this to happen. Never.


And 2 years followed in front of the mirror seeing just flaws and ugliness, which I wanted to fix, but I made it look just worse. I wished I could get it all back to the way it was.


On the night of the bad ambra grisea aggravation I tried to fix some flaws, than noticed I just made it worse and ruined my face which gave strong feelings of suicide.

Oh boy I am happy to be better now. But if my appearance goes I don't want to live. I got nothing to live for anymore. My gold has gone and I am as good as dead. No reason to live. Why would I. People will never see me the same way again. Treat me the same way

I will wait yes, happy for the current relief

I do feel good, sorry for misunderstanding. I thought in the morning I will order something today so I sent an email to the owner after noticing his store was down.

Yes I feel good, compared to before Lachesis & nat mur

By the way I am not trying to say I feel like a king or queen. It was just an analogy.

But its true if you look bad you will never be considered something high or great,

Argentum metallicum:


I have a question about this remedy if I may:

Dreams are apparently always correct... I dreamed a while ago that I am argentum metallicum. I was standing in front of a big bulldozer and I felt impulsive and wanted to jump in front of him. I had such difficulty controlling myself and in this dream it was known to me that I am argentum metallicum, it was known to me before the bulldozer came and because I knew I am argentum I had such fear of jumping impulsively in front of the bulldozer.

this is the only time I had a dream where a remedy was involved and its argentum metallicum, a remedy I never gave much thought.


The dream only reminds me of sometimes in the past when I would stand on top of a cliff and look down the sea, I would get scared that I might jump so I had to walk away.


I was researching something and came over argentum metallicum in a book and noticed it has a rubric

holding on to a successful position (my BDD?)

and complaints of the voice which gives their anxiety state away. a trembling voice.

I have strong problems with controlling my voice when I get slightly anxious and my eyes. Controlling my eyes to not stare is driving me insane.

And I do have a 100 fears. clausthrophobia, bridges etc etc

My social anxiety is also fixed, one of I cannot go past this certain point. Like entering shops, going around a corner etc,




So I am curious as to if argentum metallicum might be a possibility for me? Any comments?

Thanks

is argentum metallicum strongly indicated for trembling voice when anxious,

or trying to control your eyes to appear normal?

Yes I am aware, but to be honest after readin a book from sholten the way palladium is described there does not fit me. I dont feel that great of myself. Or the born performer.

So dont have much hope of palladium fitting me

ok thanks, the trembling voice caught my attention, ok never mind

I feel pretty worthless. every time I think of a remedy that feels like something high or good I light up a bit by thinking I am maybe it.

I think I am nothing, nothing good. Probably a remedy that is pretty low

I am swinging between high egoism and feeling like nothing.

Maybe I really am the least remedy I would wish to be which is lycopodium.

Lycopodium is nothing, a nobody, I dont want to be it. I hate it, its so inferior

I hope I am not it, but why do I feel such hate for it than.


what does lycopodium dream about? similar to my dreams?

Just out of curiosity, so I can hopefully never think of lycopodium again.

Edit: I always react strongly when I think of maybe being lycopodium. I feel heat in my face as I do when going to a shopping mall, I feel nausea in my stomach, unwell and I feel like there is something in my throat.

Thats what thinking I might be lycopodium does to me, and I wonder why that is so.

Is there a meaning to this, that I fear being lycopodium?

Does this mean I am not lycopodium, would I be just in denial if I were lycopodium but not afraid?

I really wish to get some answers about this, thanks
[message edited by Silicea on Wed, 27 Jul 2011 10:25:05 BST]

or does this just mean that deep down I feel inferior, like a nobody so any remedy that has these rubrics could fit me?

I am feeling depressed.
[message edited by Silicea on Wed, 27 Jul 2011 10:33:45 BST]

The idea of being lycopodium or 'nothing' depressed me and kind of made me feel bad again. I don’t like the way I look, I am avoiding the mirror. I already stressed a bit after seeing myself in reflections


When I feel depressed I feel it really heavy physically. My shoulders and chest feel heavy as if weight is on me. I have difficulty breathing, such a heavy oppressive feeling on my chest that robs me of all energy. It makes me feel weak. In this state I cannot look at myself. I will be unhappy and find flaws. In such state I dont feel much. I feel distanced from myself.
I see myself in a different way.

While thinking about the low lycopodium who is “nothing” I felt like I cannot take this feelings anymore of being nothing and was close to saying “screw all this, I am great, I am special, I am better than most people” but it would be a lie. Although I cannot take the feelings that I am something small, unimportant. It makes me depressed.


And I don’t want to go back to society. Be amongst people. I don’t fit in. I would feel so depressed if I had to go to university and start from the bottom. Its not my place, its not me. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to educate myself. I feel I don’t need to. It would be a disgrace having to lower myself and go to university. I don’t want people to see me there. I could have gone to university when I was 18, but now that I am 23 and away from society for 5 years I am not going to go to university or find work. I will be on my own and do my own thing. I would feel to bad about myself, and after being away for 5 years, its hard to imagine going back. I don’t feel like I fit in anymore.


My chest feels heavy, lots of deep breathing, sighing, I feel like wanting to cry. I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t know what I am talking about with not wanting to go to university because I feel like I don’t need to. It scares me a bit.


I masturbated often today again. For the past 2 years when I masturbate I cannot get off by thinking just about girls like I used to, because I don’t feel anything. I have to think of some crazy sexual fantasy which sounds to crazy to tell to be able to.


I have gotten incredibly depressed after I did the EFT thing for one year and failed. I did not get over my social anxiety like I needed to, and my life is pretty dark since then. The BDD, depression, hopelessness, future looking black, all has come since then. I often felt numb or no emotions after the EFT thing which caused me to get involved in sexual self-seeking and sexual fantasies, I only felt some pleasant emotions by doing this or while thinking of sexual fantasies.


I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am regressing a bit. I hate that I seem to have no desire to be around people at the moment. I still feel better about myself than before the lachesis, but something changed with my ego, I feel like it got even higher now. I have a problem with wanting to be something big. But I do not want to go out and get it or do something about it. I don’t need to. I don’t want too; I would look small if I did that. I would feel bad. I I don’t want to work unless someone maybe gives me a high job position or something and cures me of my social anxiety so that people wont see me the way I am at the moment with my fears.


Ah I am going to go to bed, its probably all bullsh*t what I said up until now.



Ah I don’t want to go to bed, don’t want to have to go through all the things tomorrow again. Eating, going to toilet, taking dog out, showering, eating and going to bed.


I feel I am in a hole I have no desire to go back to society. It usually was only fear that made me not want to go back but now I really don’t want to go anymore. Don’t know whether this is a good thing or not. But I am feeling fine. At least I don’t stress or cry about it like I usually do with thinking that my time is running out. Bla Bla Bla.

And I am slightly afraid, its 3am, noone awake and I fear seeing monsters, witches, ghosts wherever I look. hate walking throughout the house at night while I am tired and weak
[message edited by Silicea on Wed, 27 Jul 2011 16:24:41 BST]

Please excuse my last weird post.

Today when I woke up I had this same unbearable feeling in my chest. Was irritated, hated everything my mother said or did. The way she talks on the phone with her friends, it all seemed fake and an act, the noise irritated me, she woke me up and told me I need to wake up so that I can help her clean, and felt so angry, she must have fallen on her head and hurt it really bad to come up with such an idea. Of course I am not going to wake up early to start cleaning. But if my father were at home I would more likely do so. Dont like conflict with him, because its always kind of heavy and turns in a big deal than where noone likes to give up.


I tried to focus on this heavy sensation in my chest that makes me feel depressed, emotionless, hopeless, destructive and I came up with many ideas, like it feels like I am wearing a heavy iron suit that is way to small and does not let me breath and feels oppresive. And there is no way to get it off me. But I want to get it off and feel destructive.

But it didnt feel right, than I thought about it feels like punishment from an outside force for ending up what I am today, as if I am wearing a suit that feels like a prison. Or that god if he exists or some force has control over me and is not letting me out of my invinsible confinment

But no it didnt feel right.
Than I thought I feel like I gave my power away to some other force and feel like I need to get it back. As if I am caught and other people have power over me. Or as if I am on an operating table and the surgent has power over me, he can do whatever he wants to me after he puts his muscle relaxers into me.

And that feels about right. Or like jesus after being crucified on to the cross. He cannot get off it and people coming by can do whatever they want to him. stab him into his chest etc

The idea of being powerless and needing to get my power back, lit me up again and made the tension, oppressive feeling in my chest dissapear somewhat

When I take an animal remedy I am happy to take it, to be competive, animated like I said, but after a while than the minerals become attractive to me. Because I get than all about status, high ego etc and the minerals in my mind are than considered high, the high class, noble etc and the animals are just really really really low, and everything about them repulses me, the need to fight for a female, the need to compete etc I dont want to be part of it, it would make me feel low and dont want to have anything to do with it. I feel higher than, I dont have to do this.

Today I am not taking any crap from anyone. I put my mother into place many times with a self assurance that does not make her dare say anything back but just look at me and wonder what happened to me. She said it seems I am just getting worse but she said it in a submitting way accompanied with a smile. Just like I expect it.

My dreams tonight were kind of vague, difficult to remember.



I was once driving with my car than all of a sudden I had a bicycle (not a car anymore). I was travelling to a different country with my bicycle or maybe I was already there, than I met someone on the street who was on a bike too and he told me something, like as if I did not know something about directions or whatever, and a roundabout I was just driving towards turned into some old ugly forgotten train tracks after I got told this news about 'travelling directions'.


So than I remember I had a puncture on my bike. Some people came to me and helped me repairing it or gave advice on how to fix it. It did not work so I went with them to a shop and asked for the best workers from that shop. And looked at certificates for best worker of the month or something, not sure, but I looked at some certificates with pictures of the worker


Than another dream was... I was just walking towards my old school in the evening when it was dark and cold outside. Inside the school it was warm so my lungs had the problem I used to have with breathing. Maybe I used to have asthma, I dont know. I would have a whistling sound and difficulty to get air into my lungs when going from cold to warm in cold autumn nights.


So than I got into a room where my mother was sitting with some girls who used to be in my classroom and my mother was telling me things. The theme was about relatonships, girlfriends, marriage. And I did not like to listen to it at all. I was quiet there sitting and not saying anything.
[message edited by Silicea on Thu, 28 Jul 2011 04:32:22 BST]

Also remember I had a dream where It was known to me again what remedy I am. I can't remember the name. It started with an A definitely is all I remember.


... My father came home and I was wondering if I will be able to keep up being self assured and no I could not. I felt some unsureness, which makes me feel so bad. I don't want to be like this. I cannot stand it when I an unsure or afraid because of some other person. I hate it. I will never be happy with myself until I am not afraid or unsure. I need to feel good about myself and I can't do so if I FEEL any signs of fear, uncertainty. I don't wont to live in a fairy tale or be in denial but really be without fear.

I just saw 2 guys walking down the street talking loud a bit away from me. I felt anger and great hate. It offended me and I wished to get rid of them. If I were stronger than I am at the moment and they would give me one wrong look or say something I would break all their bones. Feel so offended by it. If I dared to fight them though they would probably break all my bones though since they were huge compared to me haha.


I would never fight though, it's to low.


...I read some spiritual books in the past and know what's going on, that I feel like they took something away from me by acting this way. So knowing what's going on always takes the intensity away


Am I going into the right or wrong direction?


I would expect that I will have some troubles with my ego before getting better, so I think it's the right direction.


And it's better than to be afraid or accept such behavior from people

Palladium seems out of question at the moment surely. I feel a bit worried about my ego problem. It appears after remedies seem to wear off often. Would like some remedy to deal with this.

I much prefer the days just after aggravation when I feel happy, open, humble, equal with everyone. No signs of big ego. That's how I wish to be.

Thanks

Just greeted someone nice and humble, feel better, all good again, really don't wish to be egotistical. I think I am afraid of it

No I wish to be just above most people, special, be treated nice, but not be egotistical or feel like I am more than other people in return. Remain quiet about this since its bad

^^^
thats why I wished to be silicea since I thought they are like that... High yet humble and dont act like they are better than most people and they care about image which I do to to some extent

I should go to the petrol station today to fill up my car but I dont want to go. I usually go so its a step back. I dont want anyone to see me.

I noticed my teeth are more misaligned than they used to be so I wish I could start working and get money to correct this.


This is how I look today with the things I messed up circled. In this picture it doesnt look to bad because of the lighing I guess. Under different light settings it looks really bad.
[message edited by Silicea on Thu, 28 Jul 2011 07:07:46 BST]
[message edited by Silicea on Mon, 01 Aug 2011 02:02:19 BST]

[message deleted by Silicea on Fri, 05 Aug 2011 12:29:05 BST]