social anxiety helpIf a homeopath could tell me what remedy this sounds like would be great. Towards the middle I describe when my social anxiety started
I dont think I am a creative person. This doesnt mean I am completely without it but I dont consider myself one. I am rather intellectual. Creativity is not something you can touch or possess if that makes sense. It is different. I am to controlling to be creative. I want to understand it with my mind always. Like I remember once I tried to mix some music like a dj and my controlling was in the way. Creativity gives me a claustrophobic response and over activity. So I stop quick because it feels horrible. This response of over activity isnt nice, I always get burned and hurt in the end. Like when I dont get replies on here from people, when I fear my posts are not even read, such type of thoughts etc.
Anyway back to topic. Even though I am intellectual I am not closed, but open minded to other things. I dont want to be trapped in my mind ever that is why. Dont want to be the only one staying in the darkness while everyone else knows something I dont know. Because this causes fear. And makes me feel disconnected or separated or isolated. I dont know exactly which word is more correct. I often have this fear in groups of people that there would be something I dont understand or do not see but everyone else seems to see it. Being the blind mouse isnt good. Blind to something. I never want to be it. Leaves me with a horrible feeling and I am dieing to find out what it is then. It isnt about some intellectual understanding that I fear being blind to, but not seeing my behaviours or stuff like that which I should know, something that is really humiliating or embarrassing. Or when I humiliate myself without knowing it and things like that. There I hate being blind to it, in the darkness. I feel so uncertain than and wish for people to please be honest and tell me everything. But people are so mean sometimes. Tell me lies, or do not tell me anything. Being uncertain and dependent on people is not good. People can take advantage of me, abuse me etc. Feed me with wrong information. I hate what was done to me by this group of people I hanged out with when I was around 14 smoking marijuana. They picked on me constantly, made me so unsure and uncertain and my brother and a friend of mine I had from before we started hanging out with this new group of people somehow turned against me too. They werent nice to me. My brother wasnt nice at all, but critical and so was this one friend too after a while. They would hurt me and criticise me, make fun of me while in the group or give me a run down of how I behaved once we went away from the group and were alone. I hated it, but there was nothing I could do. I was feeling lost and alone just trying to be in the background while in the group, hope that no one will pick on me again. But I was also afraid in the background because being quiet or reserved in a group is dangerous. It is a thing I could get picked on for instantly Why I am so quiet and not saying anything etc.? I hated this, it was so humiliating always. So sometimes I would try to say something but then I would say it anxiously so that no one would understand me or they would laugh at what I said, they just found something to criticise or pick on me always. It was a no win situation. And telling my brother or this 1 friend that I am not going with them to the group of people anymore would have not been an option anyway as I would get probably criticised or laughed at for that, as to why I dont want to go anymore. And I would fear they would probably know the reason why I dont want to go anymore and ridicule me or something again. I felt so worthless. They were my best friend and brother. With the friend I always had a great relationship before hanging out with this new group of people. He was about 5 years older than me. In the end I would get anxiety and panic attacks when high on the marijuana and having to be around the group of people. My hands trembled when I had to do something. I just hated being around this group. I never felt good. When I was quiet I was afraid of getting picked on. I didnt go to school anymore much. I was getting depressed. I started being more quiet even when just with my brother and this one friend. Than when I moved somewhere else and went to a new school I didnt go to it for a few weeks and just stayed on my own. Out of fear I guess. My confidence was gone, I felt horrible about myself. Grades were not good. I stayed just at home playing video games. Than when we moved again to this new country here. My social anxiety got really bad and is suffering now. I cannot make contact with those people here. Speak in a new language clearly. Feel I will be accepted and that the past will not repeat itself. That I will get ridiculed, mistreated by people in a group again.
starface on 2011-11-15
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