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Laughter is the best Medicine : JOKES Page 14 of 14
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♡ PANKAJ VARMA last decade
same thing can be done with all usernames.
Click on read full posts, and read those, deleted by moderator.
You will know, what sort of people we are dealing with.
Murthy
Click on read full posts, and read those, deleted by moderator.
You will know, what sort of people we are dealing with.
Murthy
♡ gavinimurthy last decade
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, 'I'm off. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,' Mrs. Smith cut in.
'Really?' the photographer asked. 'Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'
'That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'
'Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'I hope we can get this over with quickly,' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know!!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'
'Oh my god!!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
'She was difficult ?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
'Yes', the photographer said. 'And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?'
'That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'
'Tripod??', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
'Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,' Mrs. Smith cut in.
'Really?' the photographer asked. 'Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'
'That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'
'Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'I hope we can get this over with quickly,' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know!!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'
'Oh my god!!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
'She was difficult ?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
'Yes', the photographer said. 'And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?'
'That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'
'Tripod??', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
'Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!'
DaVinci last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 'fascinate' & 'fasten eight'
An elementary school teacher asks her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Sonia, put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
'That's good,' the teacher said, 'but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not 'fascinating'.'
Christy, raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
'Well, that was good Christy,' said the teacher, 'but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'.'
Then, little Johnny raised his hand but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could twist the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My big sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight.'
It was then that the teacher sat down and cried.
Heeee ... heeee.....heeee ..
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 'fascinate' & 'fasten eight'
An elementary school teacher asks her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Sonia, put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
'That's good,' the teacher said, 'but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not 'fascinating'.'
Christy, raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
'Well, that was good Christy,' said the teacher, 'but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'.'
Then, little Johnny raised his hand but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could twist the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My big sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight.'
It was then that the teacher sat down and cried.
Heeee ... heeee.....heeee ..
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
KALANK ... the US senator from Canada :
While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in.'
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy. He has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit Heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers.
'Well, I would never have said it before. I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.'
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now, it's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened'?
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted.'
Heeee .... hhhhhhe ..... heeee.... heee.... ho... ho ....
KALANK ... the US senator from Canada :
While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in.'
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy. He has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit Heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers.
'Well, I would never have said it before. I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.'
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags, as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now, it's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened'?
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted.'
Heeee .... hhhhhhe ..... heeee.... heee.... ho... ho ....
Nesha-India last decade
This joke is dedicated to non-qualified bookish / software'ish Homeopaths. Few of them reek of frustration & are monotonous 'SELF-GLORIFYERS'.
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
MIS-DIAGONOSED, The 20 Year Old Headache :
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said 'You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles.'
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a tailor shop with a sign saying 'ALL SUITS HALF PRICE'
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says 'Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant.'
'Wow! How did you know that?' said the man.
'Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?'
'Sure' says the man. 'Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide.'
'Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent' says the man.
'Thanks' replied the shopkeeper, 'Now how about some undergarments?'
'Ok see if you can guess my size', said the man.
'Easy 36' said the shopkeeper.
'Nope 34' replied the man.
To which the shopkeeper exclaimed 'Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache'.
Heeee .... hhhhhhe ..... heeee.... heee.... ho... ho ....
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
MIS-DIAGONOSED, The 20 Year Old Headache :
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said 'You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles.'
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a tailor shop with a sign saying 'ALL SUITS HALF PRICE'
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says 'Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant.'
'Wow! How did you know that?' said the man.
'Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?'
'Sure' says the man. 'Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide.'
'Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent' says the man.
'Thanks' replied the shopkeeper, 'Now how about some undergarments?'
'Ok see if you can guess my size', said the man.
'Easy 36' said the shopkeeper.
'Nope 34' replied the man.
To which the shopkeeper exclaimed 'Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache'.
Heeee .... hhhhhhe ..... heeee.... heee.... ho... ho ....
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
RED RING :
One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.
So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, 'If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow'.
The guy went back to the doctor and said 'The cream you gave me didn't work'!
So the doctor gave him a different cream and said 'If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow'.
So the next day the guy cam back and said 'This stuff you gave doesn't work either'.
So the doctor gave him some more cream and said 'If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow'.
The next day the guy came back and said 'The cream you gave me worked what was it?'
So the doc. said 'Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover'.
RED RING :
One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.
So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, 'If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow'.
The guy went back to the doctor and said 'The cream you gave me didn't work'!
So the doctor gave him a different cream and said 'If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow'.
So the next day the guy cam back and said 'This stuff you gave doesn't work either'.
So the doctor gave him some more cream and said 'If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow'.
The next day the guy came back and said 'The cream you gave me worked what was it?'
So the doc. said 'Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover'.
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Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
EITHER WAY :
A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.
The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. 'What'll it be?' the bartender says.
The duck says, 'I think I'll have the grapes.' 'Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.'
The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. 'Ok, you got your order?' The duck nods, saying, 'I'll think I'll have the grapes.'
The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, 'Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!'
The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, 'I'll have the grapes.'
The bartender, enraged, shouts, 'If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!'
The bartender cools off a bit. 'Now what will you get?!'
Duck asks 'Got any nails?'
'OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?'
'Good, got any grapes?'
EITHER WAY :
A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.
The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. 'What'll it be?' the bartender says.
The duck says, 'I think I'll have the grapes.' 'Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.'
The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. 'Ok, you got your order?' The duck nods, saying, 'I'll think I'll have the grapes.'
The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, 'Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!'
The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, 'I'll have the grapes.'
The bartender, enraged, shouts, 'If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!'
The bartender cools off a bit. 'Now what will you get?!'
Duck asks 'Got any nails?'
'OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?'
'Good, got any grapes?'
Nesha-India last decade
[moderated: Nesha, please try to keep the jokes such that you could tell your grandmother without blushing.]
Nesha-India last decade
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