The ABC Homeopathy Forum
Laughter is the best Medicine : JOKES Page 7 of 14
This is just a forum. Assume posts are not from medical professionals.
The politician was shouting, 'My opponent has been stealing you blind while in office! All I ask for is a chance.'
-Milton Berle
-Milton Berle
kuldeep last decade
kaldeep how do you come up with such timely jokes? You obviously have a bag of tricks in the joke dept. too.
Pat2006 last decade
kuldeep last decade
WIFE'S REVENGE
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of
Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a Few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain
rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air
Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and
in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused
to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually
even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of
Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a Few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain
rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air
Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and
in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused
to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually
even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....
Monika last decade
Thanks ALL for missing me. Likewise Nesha-India would acknowledge & reciprocate, when you people go missing. Heee hee heee. That was a joke.
'Monika' : That was real good and real intelligent, i.e. the strategy and again the punch line. Just simply classic. I like it. Thanks.
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
SURPRISED ALREADY :
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. 'Okay,' the sheriff drawled, 'what is 1 and 1?'
'Eleven,' she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, 'That`s not what I meant, but she`s right.'
'What two days of the week start with the letter `T`?'
'Today and tomorrow.'
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
'Now, listen carefully ... Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, 'I don`t know.'
'Well, why don`t you go home and work on that one for a while?'
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. 'It went great! First day on the job and I`m already working on a murder case!'
'Monika' : That was real good and real intelligent, i.e. the strategy and again the punch line. Just simply classic. I like it. Thanks.
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
SURPRISED ALREADY :
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. 'Okay,' the sheriff drawled, 'what is 1 and 1?'
'Eleven,' she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, 'That`s not what I meant, but she`s right.'
'What two days of the week start with the letter `T`?'
'Today and tomorrow.'
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
'Now, listen carefully ... Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, 'I don`t know.'
'Well, why don`t you go home and work on that one for a while?'
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. 'It went great! First day on the job and I`m already working on a murder case!'
Nesha-India last decade
Angry Lady
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, 'Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.'
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, 'Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.'
kuldeep last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
SQUEEZED DRY :
A Irish farmer, could watch his wife who would romantically, but manually milk the cows. So, he thought of helping his wife and ordered a high tech cow milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. Knowing that the cow udder's resembled his 'manhood'. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he could not free his 'manhood' or couldn't remove the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release THE UDDER automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
SQUEEZED DRY :
A Irish farmer, could watch his wife who would romantically, but manually milk the cows. So, he thought of helping his wife and ordered a high tech cow milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. Knowing that the cow udder's resembled his 'manhood'. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he could not free his 'manhood' or couldn't remove the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release THE UDDER automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
Nesha-India last decade
This Farmer - Have entire range of Thyroid levels checked (TSH, T3, T4, Ft's). Blood test taken first thing in morning (usually). NOW test becomes important. SHE theroises that the Thyroid gland is malfunctioning always everywhere.
lopez last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
MISSED PERIOD
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnnys turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
'It's a period,' reported Johnny.
'Well I can see that,' she said, 'but what is so exciting about a period.'
'Damned if I know,' said Johnny, 'but this morning my sister said she missed a period. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.'
MISSED PERIOD
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnnys turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
'It's a period,' reported Johnny.
'Well I can see that,' she said, 'but what is so exciting about a period.'
'Damned if I know,' said Johnny, 'but this morning my sister said she missed a period. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.'
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
RIGHT WORDED
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'son...what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
'So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
RIGHT WORDED
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'son...what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
'So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
Nesha-India last decade
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager screwing his secretary.
He shouted at him, 'Is this what I pay you for?'
The manager replied: 'No, sir, this I do free of charge.'
He shouted at him, 'Is this what I pay you for?'
The manager replied: 'No, sir, this I do free of charge.'
lopez last decade
Why I fired my Secretary -
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, 'Good morning boss'.
Happy Birthday.' And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Th! en, Janet knocked on my door and said
'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.'
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.'
Sh! e said, 'Let's go to my apartment.'
After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind,
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.'
'Sure,' I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
-
-
And there I sat...on the couch..........naked!
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, 'Good morning boss'.
Happy Birthday.' And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Th! en, Janet knocked on my door and said
'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.'
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.'
Sh! e said, 'Let's go to my apartment.'
After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind,
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.'
'Sure,' I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
-
-
And there I sat...on the couch..........naked!
DaVinci last decade
Another one
I was happy, My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.' I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car, My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is:'Always keep your condoms in your car!'
I was happy, My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.' I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car, My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is:'Always keep your condoms in your car!'
DaVinci last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
MISSED :
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel performs here,' explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for $100.'
'That's right,' says the man. 'I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the manager.
'Well,' the man replies, 'she was here, and you could have.'
MISSED :
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel performs here,' explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for $100.'
'That's right,' says the man. 'I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the manager.
'Well,' the man replies, 'she was here, and you could have.'
Nesha-India last decade
She bought a donkey, people said: Her ass in best in the town.
Then she sold that donkey, people said: She sold her ass.
In frustration she bought her ass back and lead it to the jungle where it could run wild and free.
Now people said: HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Then she sold that donkey, people said: She sold her ass.
In frustration she bought her ass back and lead it to the jungle where it could run wild and free.
Now people said: HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
♡ girilal last decade
Laugh it out guys!
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fricken' blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fricken' blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
tjalal last decade
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
>
> The doctor comes back and says, 'I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS.'
>
> The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, 'Doc, what can I do?'
>
> The doctor says, 'I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'
>
> The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, 'Will that cure me, Doc?'
>
> 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.'
>
> The doctor comes back and says, 'I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS.'
>
> The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, 'Doc, what can I do?'
>
> The doctor says, 'I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'
>
> The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, 'Will that cure me, Doc?'
>
> 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.'
tjalal last decade
B L I N D M A N
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
'I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that.'
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath.
'Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes.'
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife,
'Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.'
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
'Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.'
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
'I didn't know Mary worked here.'
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
'I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that.'
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath.
'Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes.'
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife,
'Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.'
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
'Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.'
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
'I didn't know Mary worked here.'
DaVinci last decade
Other side of Mount Rushmore.
(This post contains an image. To view the image, please log on.)
♡ girilal last decade
How to Tell You're Addicted to Computers...
(This post contains an image. To view the image, please log on.)
♡ girilal last decade
BERLIN (Reuters) - A 440 pound German man discovered that being overweight can be good for your health -- if you get run over by a car.
German police said the extra body mass prevented the 30-year-old man from suffering potentially fatal injuries when a Volkswagen Polo drove over him after he braked suddenly on his bicycle at a crossroads and fell off in front of the car.
'It certainly helped him in this case,' said Sven-Marco Claus, a spokesman for police in the western town of Gifhorn on Monday. 'Someone smaller would probably not have been so lucky.'
The man dislocated his hip, which local doctors put back in place, but otherwise suffered only scratches and a bloody nose from the underside of the vehicle, police said.
News is real:
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsarticle.aspx?type=oddlyEno....
German police said the extra body mass prevented the 30-year-old man from suffering potentially fatal injuries when a Volkswagen Polo drove over him after he braked suddenly on his bicycle at a crossroads and fell off in front of the car.
'It certainly helped him in this case,' said Sven-Marco Claus, a spokesman for police in the western town of Gifhorn on Monday. 'Someone smaller would probably not have been so lucky.'
The man dislocated his hip, which local doctors put back in place, but otherwise suffered only scratches and a bloody nose from the underside of the vehicle, police said.
News is real:
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsarticle.aspx?type=oddlyEno....
♡ girilal last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
FLIGHT ONE
The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sun glasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: 'You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're going to get killed!'
FLIGHT ONE
The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sun glasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: 'You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're going to get killed!'
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
POWER OF WORDS :
There is a blonde, a brunett, and a red head. they are hiking a long a trail and come up on this guy who is a regular there and he says to them : If u go to the magic mountain and jump off of it and while you are in the air, you say what ever u want or want to be it will instantly come true.
So they go to the magic mountain and the brunett say , well i will try it so she jumps off and yells BIRD !!! and poof she becomes a bird,
So the red head says if it worked for her it will work for me so she jumps off and in the air yells CAT !!! and poof she becomes a cat and runs down,
So the blonde says if it worked for them it will work for me , so she starts running and right before she jumps and trips on a rock and falls over the side and yells S H I T !!! and poof , she hits the mountain and splats all over the side of it.
POWER OF WORDS :
There is a blonde, a brunett, and a red head. they are hiking a long a trail and come up on this guy who is a regular there and he says to them : If u go to the magic mountain and jump off of it and while you are in the air, you say what ever u want or want to be it will instantly come true.
So they go to the magic mountain and the brunett say , well i will try it so she jumps off and yells BIRD !!! and poof she becomes a bird,
So the red head says if it worked for her it will work for me so she jumps off and in the air yells CAT !!! and poof she becomes a cat and runs down,
So the blonde says if it worked for them it will work for me , so she starts running and right before she jumps and trips on a rock and falls over the side and yells S H I T !!! and poof , she hits the mountain and splats all over the side of it.
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
EUPHORIA TRIP :
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh' she replies, 'that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'
EUPHORIA TRIP :
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh' she replies, 'that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'
Nesha-India last decade
To post a reply, you must first LOG ON or Register
Important
Information given in this forum is given by way of exchange of views only, and those views are not necessarily those of ABC Homeopathy. It is not to be treated as a medical diagnosis or prescription, and should not be used as a substitute for a consultation with a qualified homeopath or physician. It is possible that advice given here may be dangerous, and you should make your own checks that it is safe. If symptoms persist, seek professional medical attention. Bear in mind that even minor symptoms can be a sign of a more serious underlying condition, and a timely diagnosis by your doctor could save your life.