The ABC Homeopathy Forum
Laughter is the best Medicine : JOKES Page 10 of 14
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Nesha as I read you post then I said to myself, wait a minute, this happened in August of 2003 when I was in Bangalore and watched another planet next to moon, then I discovered that it was the red planet mars.
Real event happened at August 27 2003.
And many people reported rumor-emails in each July after on.
Of-course laughter is the best medicine.
Real event happened at August 27 2003.
And many people reported rumor-emails in each July after on.
Of-course laughter is the best medicine.
♡ girilal last decade
I was very interested to note that Nisha has added another feather to her somewhat dubious crown and shown an interest in Astronomy which I have been deeply interested in for many years from the time I was a boy which members may know was about 70 years ago. I have had a succession of telescopes many of them small but I finally got a 6' Mead Telescope which I purchased in the US about 15 years ago and often use it to gaze at the stars on a clear night which is rather rare in Colombo today due to the pollution.
I note that she has for once been serious and has done what she knows best, which is to spread disinformation to unsuspecting members of this forum in the only manner that she knows how to.
She may be interested to learn that this information that she has recorded is again absolutely FALSE. The last spectacular conjunction of planets occurred on June 27 2005 when Saturn, Venus and Mercury were in conjunction and provided those of us who are interested in this science, the chance of a lifetime to gaze upon these planets and stars in the sky, which always brings me closer to a Supreme Being, the Entity that created it all.
I would recommend that those who read this post spend some time on a clear night and use a pair of binoculars to gaze upon the stars and enjoy the view. It is fortunate that my house, which I designed in 1966 without an architect, is built in an Atrium style with a garden in the center complete with a fish pond and old Koi Carp each about 45cm. It faces due south and I have a wonderful window to use my Mead telescope which is equipped with the complete range of 8 eyepieces which I often carry out onto the balcony and spend some hours gazing at the stars on a clear cloudless night. The view of the Moon for the first time is awe inspiring and you can get an idea of this delight even when you gaze upon it through a pair of binoculars. It is when you see the individual craters of the Moon which is best done around the first quarter that you really are enthralled with the view. The view of the full Moon is flat when the craters are not visible as they are when the sun hits them sideways around the first quarter.
Right now Jupiter with its moon Io is very clear at about 10PM SL time and Saturn is also clearly visible with its rings later.
I would repeat once again that there is absolutely no truth in this false news that Nisha has again spread on her thread as usual and in common with her other efforts on this forum which members are best advised not to believe, she again confirms to all on it that she cannot help being an inveterate liar. It seems obvious to me that she is just unable to speak the truth, ever.
This is just symptomatic of her devious mind which I believe can be caused by Dyslexia
She is welcome to gaze upon the stars and prove on August 27 that she has seen the Moon with another moon which is Mars.
I note that she has for once been serious and has done what she knows best, which is to spread disinformation to unsuspecting members of this forum in the only manner that she knows how to.
She may be interested to learn that this information that she has recorded is again absolutely FALSE. The last spectacular conjunction of planets occurred on June 27 2005 when Saturn, Venus and Mercury were in conjunction and provided those of us who are interested in this science, the chance of a lifetime to gaze upon these planets and stars in the sky, which always brings me closer to a Supreme Being, the Entity that created it all.
I would recommend that those who read this post spend some time on a clear night and use a pair of binoculars to gaze upon the stars and enjoy the view. It is fortunate that my house, which I designed in 1966 without an architect, is built in an Atrium style with a garden in the center complete with a fish pond and old Koi Carp each about 45cm. It faces due south and I have a wonderful window to use my Mead telescope which is equipped with the complete range of 8 eyepieces which I often carry out onto the balcony and spend some hours gazing at the stars on a clear cloudless night. The view of the Moon for the first time is awe inspiring and you can get an idea of this delight even when you gaze upon it through a pair of binoculars. It is when you see the individual craters of the Moon which is best done around the first quarter that you really are enthralled with the view. The view of the full Moon is flat when the craters are not visible as they are when the sun hits them sideways around the first quarter.
Right now Jupiter with its moon Io is very clear at about 10PM SL time and Saturn is also clearly visible with its rings later.
I would repeat once again that there is absolutely no truth in this false news that Nisha has again spread on her thread as usual and in common with her other efforts on this forum which members are best advised not to believe, she again confirms to all on it that she cannot help being an inveterate liar. It seems obvious to me that she is just unable to speak the truth, ever.
This is just symptomatic of her devious mind which I believe can be caused by Dyslexia
She is welcome to gaze upon the stars and prove on August 27 that she has seen the Moon with another moon which is Mars.
♡ Joe De Livera last decade
Joe,
If you take notice, Girilal noted that this is a rumor that has been spread since 2003.
Therefore, you cannot automaticly conclude that Nesha is spreading false information. Afterall, it is unlikely that she started the rumor; and even if she did, who can prove that she was the one who started it.
I often get all sorts of false information in my e-mail that I'm sure people believe. Otherwise, it is unlikely that it would have ended up in my e-mail in the first place.
Can you prove that Nesha knew this was false information ?
Might you be starting a rumor about her?
..........
If you take notice, Girilal noted that this is a rumor that has been spread since 2003.
Therefore, you cannot automaticly conclude that Nesha is spreading false information. Afterall, it is unlikely that she started the rumor; and even if she did, who can prove that she was the one who started it.
I often get all sorts of false information in my e-mail that I'm sure people believe. Otherwise, it is unlikely that it would have ended up in my e-mail in the first place.
Can you prove that Nesha knew this was false information ?
Might you be starting a rumor about her?
..........
Pat2006 last decade
Joe,
Thanks for all the very interesting information on astronomy.
Maybe you can start a new thread and keep educating us so we can get first hand information.
Thanks for all the very interesting information on astronomy.
Maybe you can start a new thread and keep educating us so we can get first hand information.
Pat2006 last decade
To Pat
The Conjunction of Planets is an almost annual occurrence when various planets come closer to each other than is usally the case. Girilal had witnessed one in 2003 and there was an instance about May 2004 when Mars was closest to Earth as it has not been when for the first time I distinctly saw the Polar Caps on the Planet. We will all be witnessing many more conjunctions of planets in the years to come.
You will observe that in Nisha's post to which I took exception, she does not quote another email for her source, but takes upon herself the onus of spreading the news which she may have got from other sources or has in her own ubiquitous way, cooked up. If she stated that she had received this information from other sources in her post, I would agree that my rejoinder may have been perhaps too severe.
However in this case Nisha has been the author of so many untruths on this forum that her credibility on this forum is at stake, culminating in her latest post which was so blatantly untrue and symptomatic of her own warped mind that I felt impelled to post my response which I hope members will read and hopefully comment on.
One is reminded of the little boy who cried out 'wolf' in Aesop's fable that we were taught as children to realize that one can only lie once or twice but not ALL the time.
It is one's credibility that is at stake and this you will agree is very important in Homeopathy.
The Conjunction of Planets is an almost annual occurrence when various planets come closer to each other than is usally the case. Girilal had witnessed one in 2003 and there was an instance about May 2004 when Mars was closest to Earth as it has not been when for the first time I distinctly saw the Polar Caps on the Planet. We will all be witnessing many more conjunctions of planets in the years to come.
You will observe that in Nisha's post to which I took exception, she does not quote another email for her source, but takes upon herself the onus of spreading the news which she may have got from other sources or has in her own ubiquitous way, cooked up. If she stated that she had received this information from other sources in her post, I would agree that my rejoinder may have been perhaps too severe.
However in this case Nisha has been the author of so many untruths on this forum that her credibility on this forum is at stake, culminating in her latest post which was so blatantly untrue and symptomatic of her own warped mind that I felt impelled to post my response which I hope members will read and hopefully comment on.
One is reminded of the little boy who cried out 'wolf' in Aesop's fable that we were taught as children to realize that one can only lie once or twice but not ALL the time.
It is one's credibility that is at stake and this you will agree is very important in Homeopathy.
♡ Joe De Livera last decade
Joe,
Maybe I need to remind you that this is the Laughter is the Best Medicine thread.
And who is to say that maybe Nesha had a good laugh in store for us on August 27 by telling us it was just a rumor.
I think we blew a good laugh all of us would have had.
Other people post jokes here and they don't state their source so we don't know whether they invented the jokes or got them from a magazine or a newspaper or an e-mail.
I get tons of e-mails and some I question unless they are funny. Then I just laugh all day.
We should just all have a good laugh about Nesha's post anyway.
Nesha, sorry if we messed up a good laugh you had in store for us.
Maybe I need to remind you that this is the Laughter is the Best Medicine thread.
And who is to say that maybe Nesha had a good laugh in store for us on August 27 by telling us it was just a rumor.
I think we blew a good laugh all of us would have had.
Other people post jokes here and they don't state their source so we don't know whether they invented the jokes or got them from a magazine or a newspaper or an e-mail.
I get tons of e-mails and some I question unless they are funny. Then I just laugh all day.
We should just all have a good laugh about Nesha's post anyway.
Nesha, sorry if we messed up a good laugh you had in store for us.
Pat2006 last decade
To Pat
You may like to know that Jupiter is clearly visible here in Sri Lanka directly overhead at about 10.00PM SL time. It is very likely that it will also be visible in the US at night and all you do is to look for the brightest star in the sky which one cannot miss.
I was star gazing last night into the early hours of this morning and was enthralled to see Jupiter very clearly with its 4 Moons Io, Europa, Ganymede and Callisto all clearly visible. Jupiter is reckoned to be 10 times larger and is 365 million miles distant from Earth.
You should be able to spot the largest planet in the Universe with a 10x pair of binoculars and you should be able to also see at least one of the Moons, Io which is the largest of them all.
You may like to know that Jupiter is clearly visible here in Sri Lanka directly overhead at about 10.00PM SL time. It is very likely that it will also be visible in the US at night and all you do is to look for the brightest star in the sky which one cannot miss.
I was star gazing last night into the early hours of this morning and was enthralled to see Jupiter very clearly with its 4 Moons Io, Europa, Ganymede and Callisto all clearly visible. Jupiter is reckoned to be 10 times larger and is 365 million miles distant from Earth.
You should be able to spot the largest planet in the Universe with a 10x pair of binoculars and you should be able to also see at least one of the Moons, Io which is the largest of them all.
♡ Joe De Livera last decade
Joe,
Yes. I spotted Jupiter just like you said. It was very clearly visible even before it was dark. Wish I had a telescope to see the 4 moons.
Yes. I spotted Jupiter just like you said. It was very clearly visible even before it was dark. Wish I had a telescope to see the 4 moons.
Pat2006 last decade
In these days Venus is visible in pre dawn when most of the stars are dimming only one is brighting.
Mars is visible in the eastern sky. Only one red star visible is Mars.
Mars is visible in the eastern sky. Only one red star visible is Mars.
♡ girilal last decade
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. But by age 76, the tongue has lost most ot its muscle strength and by default, is used to waggle more, then anything else, as is evident here, by the deep-seated frustration & jealousy experienced by the self-glorifyer (hallucinosis), always accompanied by the sadist back-stabber and other cheer-leaders !
INCIDENTALLY,
- the self-glorifyer is getting VERY 'closer to the Supreme Being'. (Arsenic Alb)
- It is physically impossible for pigs to look UP into the sky. .AND.
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
ANWAY,
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
Q U A C K ... Q U A C K ... Q U A C K ...
Dr. Bob
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
'Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go.'
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: 'Bob, you're a veterinarian!'
INCIDENTALLY,
- the self-glorifyer is getting VERY 'closer to the Supreme Being'. (Arsenic Alb)
- It is physically impossible for pigs to look UP into the sky. .AND.
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
ANWAY,
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
Q U A C K ... Q U A C K ... Q U A C K ...
Dr. Bob
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
'Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go.'
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: 'Bob, you're a veterinarian!'
Nesha-India last decade
To Nisha
Here are 2 quotations that describe your present mindset and hopefully can help you.
The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to others.
Lawana Blackwell
Jealousy is the art of injuring ourselves more than others.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld
Here are 2 quotations that describe your present mindset and hopefully can help you.
The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to others.
Lawana Blackwell
Jealousy is the art of injuring ourselves more than others.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld
♡ Joe De Livera last decade
- the frustrated self-glorifyer is getting VERY 'closer to the Supreme Being', very closer.
-----------------------------------------
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
MIDGET SURGERY
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. 'Aha!' the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. 'Gee, what did you do, Doc?' he asked.
The doc replied, 'I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots.'
-----------------------------------------
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
MIDGET SURGERY
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. 'Aha!' the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. 'Gee, what did you do, Doc?' he asked.
The doc replied, 'I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots.'
Nesha-India last decade
Jealousy feeds upon suspicion, and it turns into fury or it ends as soon as we pass from suspicion to certainty.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
♡ Joe De Livera last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
THE DAMNED EGG :
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, 'In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.'
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my turn to kick you.'
The Scotsman smiled and said, 'Ye can keep the damn egg!!'
THE DAMNED EGG :
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, 'In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.'
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my turn to kick you.'
The Scotsman smiled and said, 'Ye can keep the damn egg!!'
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
DEADLY FRUIT
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said 'All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.'
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, 'Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!'
The second guy answered while still laughing, 'I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.'
DEADLY FRUIT
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said 'All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.'
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, 'Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!'
The second guy answered while still laughing, 'I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.'
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
THE COUNSELOR :
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
'What seems to be the problem?' Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, 'Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!'
The husband scratched his head and replied, 'I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays.'
THE COUNSELOR :
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
'What seems to be the problem?' Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, 'Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!'
The husband scratched his head and replied, 'I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays.'
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
LAUGH & P-I-S-S-E-D :
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, 'Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks.'
The bartender said, 'That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first.'
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. 'Where did you get all that money?' asked the bartender.
'I'm a professional gambler,' replied the man.
The bartender said, 'There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?'
'Well, I only bet on sure things,' said the guy.
'Like what?' asked the bartender.
'Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,' he said.
The bartender thought about it. 'Okay,' he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. 'Aw, you screwed me,' said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
'I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,' said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, 'Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet.' So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
'Aw, you screwed me again!' protested the bartender.
'That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,' said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, 'Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and p-i-s-s into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.'
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. 'Okay, you're on,' he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began p-iss-ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, 'Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!'
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, 'That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could p-i-s-s all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!'
LAUGH & P-I-S-S-E-D :
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, 'Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks.'
The bartender said, 'That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first.'
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. 'Where did you get all that money?' asked the bartender.
'I'm a professional gambler,' replied the man.
The bartender said, 'There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?'
'Well, I only bet on sure things,' said the guy.
'Like what?' asked the bartender.
'Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,' he said.
The bartender thought about it. 'Okay,' he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. 'Aw, you screwed me,' said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
'I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,' said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, 'Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet.' So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
'Aw, you screwed me again!' protested the bartender.
'That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,' said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, 'Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and p-i-s-s into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.'
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. 'Okay, you're on,' he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began p-iss-ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, 'Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!'
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, 'That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could p-i-s-s all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!'
Nesha-India last decade
Here's a Joke for today, for everyone's Health & Happiness :
HEAVENS UGLIEST WOMEN :
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, 'OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.'
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, 'How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?'
He nudges the babe and says, 'Tell them.'
She says to the first two guys, 'I lied.'
HEAVENS UGLIEST WOMEN :
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, 'OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.'
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, 'How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?'
He nudges the babe and says, 'Tell them.'
She says to the first two guys, 'I lied.'
Nesha-India last decade
American scientists dug 50 metres under the ground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time America announced that the ancient Americans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network...
Naturally the government of India was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of Glass and they soon announced that the ancient Indians 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibrenet...
Pakistani scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Pakistanis 55,000 years ago had Wireless (cellular) phones.
Naturally the government of India was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of Glass and they soon announced that the ancient Indians 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibrenet...
Pakistani scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Pakistanis 55,000 years ago had Wireless (cellular) phones.
sammy1 last decade
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss going for a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, 'Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each'
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
'Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted 'I want to be in Florida with plenty of food and cocktails. 'Pfufffff, and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said,' I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1235hrz
Moral: 'Always allow the boss to speak first'
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, 'Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each'
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
'Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted 'I want to be in Florida with plenty of food and cocktails. 'Pfufffff, and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said,' I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1235hrz
Moral: 'Always allow the boss to speak first'
sammy1 last decade
One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM sees an ad for a new
gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on
the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They
lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and
out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying 'If you catch me, I'm
yours.'
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.
Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders,
down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just
as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.
The manager led him to the showers, and then weigh
him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
'God, I was so close to catch her. If I had a little more time...
So he races back to the gym and says, 'I want to lose 20 more kgs.'
'No problem,' says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door
when it opens here comes a Gorilla with a sign, 'If I catch you, you're
mine.'
gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on
the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They
lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and
out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying 'If you catch me, I'm
yours.'
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.
Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders,
down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just
as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.
The manager led him to the showers, and then weigh
him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
'God, I was so close to catch her. If I had a little more time...
So he races back to the gym and says, 'I want to lose 20 more kgs.'
'No problem,' says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door
when it opens here comes a Gorilla with a sign, 'If I catch you, you're
mine.'
sammy1 last decade
How you know its 2006
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.
Any more reasons ?????????????????
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.
Any more reasons ?????????????????
sammy1 last decade
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?
One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary !
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ ome thing mo$ t de$ perately. I think you $hould be under $tanding of the need $ of u $ worker $ who have given $o much $upport including $ weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue $$ what I mean and re $pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
The next day, you received reply to this letter :
Oh my dear:
I k NOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NO thing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NO t doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco NOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You k NOw what I mean.
One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary !
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ ome thing mo$ t de$ perately. I think you $hould be under $tanding of the need $ of u $ worker $ who have given $o much $upport including $ weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue $$ what I mean and re $pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
The next day, you received reply to this letter :
Oh my dear:
I k NOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NO thing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NO t doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco NOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You k NOw what I mean.
sammy1 last decade
* Mr. Smith died of cardiac infarction while he was in the hospital. The doctor told Mrs. Smith, ' I am sorry to tell you that your husband died of massive cardiac infarct.'.
Few minutes later he heard Mrs. Smith calling her son and telling him on the phone,' The doctor said that your father died of massive internal fart.'
* One day after an long bed side clinics one girl student fainted.
The professer asked the girl humourously, was it an early sign of pregnancy.
The girl blushed, but the boy next to her fainted.
* A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' The man replied, 'Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'.' The Doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.'
Few minutes later he heard Mrs. Smith calling her son and telling him on the phone,' The doctor said that your father died of massive internal fart.'
* One day after an long bed side clinics one girl student fainted.
The professer asked the girl humourously, was it an early sign of pregnancy.
The girl blushed, but the boy next to her fainted.
* A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' The man replied, 'Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'.' The Doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.'
dflower last decade
Software Engineering
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
'If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?'
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
'If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?'
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
sammy1 last decade
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Important
Information given in this forum is given by way of exchange of views only, and those views are not necessarily those of ABC Homeopathy. It is not to be treated as a medical diagnosis or prescription, and should not be used as a substitute for a consultation with a qualified homeopath or physician. It is possible that advice given here may be dangerous, and you should make your own checks that it is safe. If symptoms persist, seek professional medical attention. Bear in mind that even minor symptoms can be a sign of a more serious underlying condition, and a timely diagnosis by your doctor could save your life.