Stronger Potency or Better Remedy? _{Page 30 of 44}

Remembered that several years back I had a dream where a chinese doctor told me that my problem was my liver.

You know, I've been thinking about all the different people over the years at the dealership and one major thing that seems to fit in with all of them at one time or another is Irritation. I get irritated by people, yet I am a people person, though I'm introverted I do get along with everybody. But things tend to irritate me especially when people are nitpicky about every little thing (just like my mom). And I see how I tend to associate everything and everyone with my mom and how I get irritated by her that the slightest thing said to me I jump/overreact, assume the worst, feel like I'm under fire, under attack, I'm being questioned, not trusted, questioning if I'm capable, get defensive, put the walls up, withdraw, hide away from people because of a minor incident where I felt hurt or threatened. This pattern has repeated itself in my life time and time again. Prior to the dealership there were several times where I felt like I was being picked on, or people were getting on my case just like my mom and I overreacted to the point of saying I quit and walked out on the spot or decided not to show up. Because I don't like conflict, I try to avoid it at all costs and for me, since I don't know how to resolve it or don't know how to deal with it, I am so sensitive and feel that I have no protection against it, the only way for me (or so I felt) was to remove myself from the situation, just not BE in that situation/environment anymore. Again, just like at home.

Now I did say earlier that I missed the people I worked with and my previous post would make it sound like there was no way I wanted to be there, but in other respects we did have a casual environment, you could joke around a lot, and myself and another employee would always be the ones to play different pranks and stuff all in good humor and we enjoyed having that type of work place that you could do that, still doing your work when you had to, but everyone was like family, we had a good times and bad times just like any family. So I miss having a group of people who I knew well and was an established part of. Again, that protection aspect and also knowing the Ins and outs. I was able to fill in when and where needed because I had been there so long and knew pretty much how stuff worked and often they did use me to fill in for different jobs. So it was quite a shock when they let me go and the owner called me several days after to meet with me because he wanted me to know that they mostly did it because I had been there so long and they felt like I belonged somewhere else that selling cars wasn't my thing and they didn't really have a position where all my talents could be utilized and wanted to see me doing something better for myself. I did find out the one manager that let me go was in tears too later. At the time I was very angry of course and reacted to that feeling that everyone was against me, but I guess looking back it was as hard for them as it was for me, just didn't see that till later and hearing stories from my one friend there who is a manager about how they really felt about letting me go.

I started out in another position at the dealership and it was also a position where the managers were very nitpicky about making sure that I had logged every single customer who came onto the lot, made sure we had a salesman out to take care of the, I was kind of the first contact with the customer and the idea was for me to log the customers name with the managers so they would know that a salesman is out with someone. So of course the second somebody came onto the lot they wanted to know who it was and would get excited, 'Why didn't you give us info on that person?' And it might have been the UPS guy or the mail man or something. But I did enjoy the job and the other times it was relaxed and we all joked around.


Last night had some dreams, but really don't remember anything, very vague or hazy. I remember something about fighting with my mom or perhaps parents over something to do with money or maybe not even fighting, but money seemed to be an issue, but can't tell you anymore. Still didn't sleep real great.

Can't say that I really have that strong a desire to drink as much. Blood sugar seemed good the other day when I commented but last night and late this morning/early afternoon seemed worse and thus feeling like I need to eat large quantities. Very hungry.

Not sure how relevant mental thought process are here, but I started thinking a lot lately (I mean I have in the past, but it's really been coming up strongly the past couple days for me) how I really am at the same point in my life I was at when I was at the dealership. Like there is so much with this job where you do XYZ and then you have to do ZYX, it's a bit like a dog chasing it's tail and doing lots of stuff, expending a lot of energy, but never really getting anywhere with it. So I feel like I'm right back in the same situation I was at when I left the dealership, like I haven't moved on from that type of situation yet.

The past two days too, I seem to be having more thoughts of feeling like I actually deserve better than where I'm at, which is a first for me, because I always feel like I don't deserve anything good to happen to me.

With that last night even the darkness upon laying down to go to bed seemed brighter, like there wasn't this dark cloud hanging around. I think I may have had a slight bit of that with the Sulphur too (When I first started feeling like I didn't need as much light on to go to sleep).

I'm also starting to get back into my groove where I'm kind of lethargic, tired all day and start to get more energy later into the evening. I've always been that way.

Pain in the back seems bad again today so maybe I was just at the computer less or something or sitting a different way that it didn't bother me yesterday.

Something else, did you take notice to how I always get frustrated, depressed, feel like there's no hope right after trying a remedy? This happens in other things too, but it's almost like that's my typical initial reaction before I even see if something comes of what is tried whether it's remedy or in life. And I think sometimes I do that and overreact in situations and bring negative results just by overreacting whereas if I had waited to see what would happen it would have worked out. The world is always ending even when things are changing positively, but I never sees those positive things. Almost like self-sabotage or something.

Not very active.

Some dreams last night, remember one about getting my hair cut at a new place (downstairs at my apartment there is a hair dresser and just very convienent to go there) and my dream was about explaining how I get my hair cut to the new person compared to my usual person I've gone to for years who knows how I like it. There were more dreams that I can't remember but I think it was mostly stuff that was probably just on my mind subconsciously.

Seems like the feeling like my energy is higher up in my body or that feeling of being taller that I used to mention that would happen everyday around 5:00 seems to have come back.

Also seems like the rocking has increased. And again it's like the part of me inside my body is moving around while my body stays the same. But feels like my whole environment is moving, but it's because I'm moving even though my body isn't moving. Elevator feeling, almost as if my energy were inside my body bouncing up and down, and not quite down in my body far enough or connected enough to where I feel like I'm going to stay in my body.

And again, when I feel lightest, or feel most like I'm going to come out of my body, I notice that the muscles in my arms relax to the point where I can tense them up consciously, when I feel heavier and not so concerned about coming out of my body I have the muscle tension that started from my chronic pain, where they are constantly tense, contracted and I can't tense them up very much (as if they are locked into position) even if I try.

Stools have been much darker, almost to the point of being black, and are floating as well.

And chilliness/goosebumps when urging comes. Can't say I've noticed that for a little while until this last dose, but could just be I wasn't paying attention.

Not sure if the dark stools were from eating dark vegetables/greens, but usually it doesn't get that dark. So that might be a little iffy as far as something to look at that the remedy may have brought about. Not sure. Definitely have had floating stools before, not sure if I've ever had that dark before, but definitely have had darker stools.

Also noticed that when my grandma disagreed with an idea I had, I got very, not sure what the word was, but sort of closed up, wanted to escape, wanted to leave, even with my grandma and I'm usually more tolerable with her.

So least contradiction, least disagreement. And I noticed that even before she said anything she didn't agree, because I sensed intuitively and then when she actually did say something it was like double whammy.

And it's not a case of me having to be right or anything. I am pretty humble, I think it's more because I feel like it's a negative reflection on me or something. Like, 'Okay, that was a stupid thing to suggest, or I shouldn't have suggested that.' Not sure if it gets close to Humiliation or what it is.

Can't say that I noticed anything different from this incident, maybe less irritation that would lead to anger later, but still just very sensitive, touchy and I do think that in every case where conflict bothers me, where someone disagrees it's because of feeling like I'm stupid or something as opposed to having to have something my way, but could be wrong. Not sure. Because even just expressing opinions about things, life in general, if someone disagrees with a point I've made, I get defensive and closed up, as if what they said totally invalidated my opinion or something, even if they are just sharing another view. I take it extremely personally and get hurt easily.

No, can't say I've noticed anything. At the same time the other part of the problem is that I'm always so concerned about staying grounded, keeping my feet on the ground because I feel so light, I worry even when walking. Very careful and cautious with each step.

Two things that seem to be consistent with remedies from my perspective is that sleep is always interrupted and it seems like there are always headaches, pressure in skull.

I'm not sure what to say about the Phos-Ac 200c. Haven't really noticed anything new, but doesn't seem like it had as much action as the 30c either.

Continuing to have dreams that I can't remember. I know that I'm having dreams but then when I wake up all I can remember is that I had some, can't remember what they are.

Also, this morning, it's normally quiet here (for now anyway, getting closer to the busy season), but I noticed right away when there were more people around this morning working, doing stuff out front that the commotion, noise, busyiness stresses me out very easily. And I've always been that way. Can't say I noticed a difference in that respect since the remedy.

Several times when we went down to our other stores to work on setting stuff up, tearing stuff down, and there were multiple people there same thing, it would be stressful for me and then when we get lunch, my reaction was to stay at the store by myself because I wanted a break. For everybody else, taking a break is going for lunch and more social contact, for me, I need to be alone/by myself to recharge. And it's not that I'm trying to be standoffish as people think sometimes, it's just that after I've been around people for so long, I'm mentally exhausted and need a break.

I do feel that mental exhaustion preceeds physical exhaustion for me in almost every case I can think of. If I'm mentally tired that leads to being tired physically. Whereas exercise and physical tiredness can sometimes lead to mental renewing.

One thing a bit unusual since taking the Phos-Ac 200c is that I've been extra paranoid lately about feeling like there are bugs crawling on my body. Now one case there was a bug on me, but it just precipitated extra pranoia over, every little sensation I have in my body, is there a bug on me, keep checking and looking. Thinking I feel something on me, but there isn't. But like seeing one bug almost sets me off to the point where I think there are bugs everywhere and they are after me or something.

Have never liked bugs on me, but have never been this paranoid without reason before. But it kind of goes along with the jumpiness at any noise, anything unexpected. Like when I was laying face down on the table at the chiropractors and he just layed his activator on my back while he checked something, it just about made me jump off the table from him just lightly throwing it down on my back because I wasn't expecting it.

Also, been thinking about good response to remedy that I took and the Phos-Ac 30c and thinking that possibly because it was taken after Sulphur that that could be the reason for the good reaction since Sulphur from I understand does build up/strengthen the vital force.