Stronger Potency or Better Remedy? _{Page 33 of 44}

Also dream, something about my grandma was filling up her car with gas, we were at the gas station. And I remember her asking me how she knows that somebody else can't pump gas and she gets charged for it. And I said, 'Well, you can see that when the light on the pumps is flashing yellow it's not your account anymore, but when it's green it's yours.' And it was yellow so she knew that it wasn't charging her account anymore. Really strange.

Also when you asked me about whether the sensation of getting some kind of energy was something I actually felt was coming from outside myself I forgot to say that if it's NOT coming from outside myself, then it's almost as if there is an electrical storm in my brain and maybe it's firing too much or something and then sending extra signals to through the body which causes the feet tingling sensation, not sure.

The other strange thing about my dream was that it wasn't the gun shot itself that woke my parents up, but stuff inside that was falling down from the gunshot. I shot the gun outside (and don't shoot guns in real life) and I think it was dishes in particular that were falling and woke them up. This is so typical of my relationship with my parents where I do something and it seems like other stuff happens where they found out what I was doing anyway or something happens that they get upset about. My running to hide from them is typical, but they always catch me or find out anyway. So the whole thing other than my dad yelling, usually it's my mom was pretty typical.

Okay John, had an experience tonight which gets back to the whole sensitivity to energy again. My mom and I had tickets for a concert tonight, and I was really excited to go.

But it didn't take very long before I was feeling like I was going to die, hands sweating like crazy. Rocking, swaying, elevator sensation, the whole works, horribly increased. It was the first time I've had the sweating of the hands in awhile and I know it was because of all the people, too much energy for me I just couldn't handle it.

I left early because I couldnt' stand to be in there anymore, I thought for sure I was going to die if I didn't leave.

Didn't tell my mom about it even though later she questioned me about where I was (we couldn't get seats that were together and we still wanted to go, so we got separate ones) because she had been down looking for me.

I had a very stressful day at work at the end of the day before we left and I'm sure that contributed some, but this was pure and simple the energy of the crowd that did it. It was just too much for me.

I've kind of been like this for years though that large crowds just totally drain me. And thus the reason why I never like to go anywhere or do anything, travel or anything like other people do. Not that I don't like to do those things, but I don't enjoy it because it's just too draining to me. And always without fail I had gone places with family and stuff I would always be the one who was tired first was dragging behind, always the one who would be holding everybody else up and cause them to not have as good a time because I was feeling bad.

Like one time we drove 4 hour somewhere to see something and I was ready to go home after the first hour because of all the people, the busyiness, the energy, it just totally sucked the life out of me, drained me. So most of the time I end up passing up opportunities to go places or do things because I know it's just too much for me energy wise. It's very frustrating. But sometimes I think the lonely road is the path I was meant to be on.

I did notice a few things, it seemed better when standing and moving. Worse when sitting. There was no way I could just sit there. And especially sit in with all the people, high energy. When the vibrations of the music were louder, when the crowd yelled louder, all these things worsened my symptoms.

My first reaction when I left was to run and get away, then I was feeling like I just wish somebody would inject something into me to kill me when I'm sleeping because I don't want to live like this anymore, and then I went to the bathroom and went in a stall and was so miserable I just wanted to cry and I tried to cry, but I couldn't. It was like I was just totally numb and removed from my emotions, removed from myself. Sensations of being far away/distant, feeling like I could see through parts of my body, like parts were invisible/transparent, like I wasn't even there.

It was American Idols.

And I've been to plenty of Bon Jovi concerts that were jam packed (prior to May 8th) and never reacted like that. In fact, Bon Jovi usually energized me. But that changed after May 8th. Can't even really listen to that music anymore, nor do I care really for it, and used to be a huge huge fan before May 8th.

Didn't get to sleep until around 5:00 this morning. I think it was mostly due to stress at work and events of the evening with the concert.

I also think that the vertigo sensations were feeding the anxiety which was feeding the vertigo or whatever the rocking is. I also think visual aspects played a part as well, like seeing all the BUSYNESS made it worse, and yet I don't think closing my eyes would have really helped because I could just feel all the energy.

The other thing that made it worse was the seats were really somewhat slippery, and because of the vertigo I felt like I couldn't stay on the seat very well, and had the sensation of sitting higher than the seat, almost off of the seat and rocking on air above the seat. Almost like you see in cartoons or whatever where there's an angel sitting on a puffy cloud or something.

So there is a strong awareness of my physical body being the thing holding me to the earth. Feeling like I need to grab onto things or hold onto things to keep me here /grounded / alive.

Something else I've been thinking about. Since May 8th, I've had somewhat of an emotional numbing as far as being able to feel emotions strongly I did before, which is sort of the far away, dream like state, in my own little world, could be a dissasociative thing. At any rate I wanted to mention that the only emotions that I seem to be feeling as strongly since May 8th as I did before May 8th are Anger and of course Fear is worse. Other emotions like hopelessness, frustration etc that used to hang on for days goes away quicker which in some ways is good, but I don't think it's going away for the right reasons, I think it's going away because I'm in that state where not all of me is here or something. Not sure. Just thinking things through.

Have some sweating of the hands again and not terribly anxious right now. So maybe it is a reaction from the Lachesis, I didn't think so last night, but hands shouldn't be perspiring the way they are today, cause I'm not fearful or anything right now. Have had more of the lightness of body since last night, so maybe that too is a reaction from the Lachesis. It just seems so odd that my initial reaction to it was so good, like my sleep the first night I know was from the Lachesis, and I slept really well.

You know, this perspiration / sweating of the hands is almost always when sitting. I would say 95% of the time I notice it when sitting.

Perspiration SITTING, while : Am-c., anac., Ars., asar., calc., caps., caust., chin., con., ferr., kali-bi., lyc., mang., nat-c., ph-ac., phos., rhod., rhus-t., sep., spong., staph., sul-ac., sulph., tarax., valer.

Also since May 8th, seemed to have developed lots of lines on my hands. You know those lines that Palm readers use to supposedly tell things about you. Well not nearly as deep or as prounounced as those, but there are others on the hand that look like nerve branches or something. Some are just straight lines not connecting to anything else that looks like a long papercut or cut mark or something. But I got those lines all over my hands since May 8th, (know without a doubt they weren't there before) And when the hands sweat they are definitely more noticeable because the water shines and seems to come out of these spots.

Sharp electric shooting type pain in the left kidney, just came and went in a split second.

Also was very hungry last night. Ate a whole can of Vegetarian Lentil Soup last night before bed and soon after I was laying down I felt like I hadn't eaten a thing and was starving. Like it took only a minute for my stomach to digest it and it was done with it and wanted more already. When I had that sensation I thought back to the time sometime Nov 05 - February 06. Not sure exact date when I had the feeling like my hunger could not be satisfied, like I was going insane stuffing myself with food and feeling like no amount of food would keep me hungry, as fast as I ate it, that's how fast it went through me.

Now having some aching pain, similar to the aching that was in the scapula, now in the area where I just felt that electric pain in the left kidney area. Might be a little higher like Adrenal. But definitely in that area and very painful. I've had pain there before, but this is exactly like the pain under the scapula only closer to area of kidneys and area of left kidney is very sore to the touch.

Increased rocking in the body after pain in kidney. Sensation of warmth throughout body. Increased sweating of hands. Then sensation of warmth focused specifically in area of lower back at the belt height, but across the whole back, left side to right side. Didn't move left to right, just covered the whole area.

Coughing fit for about a minute. All this is in the order it happened. Headache with warmth in feet, slowly moving up legs, back of thighs.

Also this evening, when bending over as if to pick something up and standing back up again, pain in the right kidney.

The first time it was a shooting pain, but after that it was more of a sore/aching pain.

Started getting increased burning pain in left kidney and then pain switched to right kidney, then back to left kidney, then to right, then back to left.

Pain in left kidney is worse though than pain in the right.

The pain in the left kidney is also more constant than in the right.

Sharp pain in left kidney with darting/shooting (nerve) pain in left thigh.

It's interesting, all these sensations of heat and warmth, because I was ALWAYS a very chilly person, always cold when most people were warm.

Something else I thought of the other day that doesn't relate to current state, but just some unique things: I tend to deal better with cold in my lower body than upper body. In other words if I had to choose on a winter day between short sleeved shirt or shorts, I would pick the shorts. I can tolerate cold more in legs (still don't like it) than arms.

And also, I do always like to have air. Like in summer, even though it's hot, I like to have windows open rather than have them closed. And even in winter when it's really cold, I can't stand to be in the car with the heat on and the windows up. Most of the time I'll drive around with the heat cranked up and windows open. Sounds counterproductive, but I need the warmth, but yet the heat is too stuffy, can't stand it being stuffy, so that's why I open the windows.

Seems like pain in right kidney got worse, or more constant as evening went on. Pain closer to the belt/waist line, but definitely kidney.

The times when I described pain at waist line, it's just at the waist line, not extending from kidneys. Maybe a little bit higher than waist line, I just feel like it might be more referred from Kidneys.

Well, if you believe the connection between ears and kidneys (Chinese medicine), when I was a child I had ear infections all the time.

Plus, the bedwetting which I personally feel could be kidney related.

Other than that, the only real time I remember having kidney pains was the time I was on Accutane and had such horrible pain, might have been both sides, but thinking right side stands out more.

Also, May 8th, after the incident, I had tested my kits and got Kidney (Fear) as primary.

Otherwise really no real Kidney isssues in health history. But it certainly seems like something going on with them now.

Grandfather on dad's side I believe had kidney issues. And grandmother on mom's side with Lupus which can cause issues with many organs/systems also seems to have some kidney weakness, but not necessarily full blown kidney disease.