Platinum Metallicum _{Page 3 of 14}

And what is funny is that when I was reacting, really sensitive I did not use those words. But now that I am not so much anymore those words come naturally to me. It is no secret that I am sensitive and expect getting hurt always. I cover posts with my fingers because I always expect a hurtful reply. Well I don't do it anymore. But used to do it always as you know. Every time I saw a reply from you or anyone there would be anxiety and reluctance to read the message.

ok I will stop. I am depressed about it, it is a painful truth I am starting to accept slowly.



Dreaming about Getting reiki healing is a theme of the 6th row from the minerals if I remember correct reading in a book of sholten. So are also keeping a unknown baby and black people appearing in your dreams. Which I dreamed on the last days while still on platina.

So tonight I had a dream about the reiki healing and I assume this must mean platina is still in my system. And a proving as those are all new dreams to me. Cannot remember ever dreaming about such things before. Will this naturally go away?

About what you said above is you told me I described lycopodium to my shock. If this didn't happen I would not see it the way I saw it today when my family member came home. I would probably think of another reason why I felt anxious. I haven't ever described it in such way as I did today. That it is a cowardly fear probably.


So yes you are correct. I would never describe it in such way because of denial and unable to see the remedy.

I will also say I didn't dream about spear fights or fights in general before starting homeopathic treatment. Dreaming such things actually made me feel good in a way. Like I was thinking does it mean I am a fighter, the MAN!? or going after sharks etc? I felt a bit annoyed by such dreams as this is not me at all but on the other hand good in a suprising way. Like is there something I don't know about myself. That I am really this BIG guy, a glimpse of hope maybe that I really am.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Mon, 19 Sep 2011 04:38:08 BST]

I know I probably am really challenging. So I will try to stop. But don’t get angry because I believe I do this all to just to prove myself. I also know that I am spitting out like a machine from left and right just lycopodium symptoms. Again I am wondering what is driving all this need to say this, even that I know I am describing many lycopodium symptoms. Again I believe it is the need to prove myself. That I know stuff. So telling me to stop doing something or stop mentioning remedies I could be, falls on death ears lol

Sorry for all this. I could be wrong. But I am not uncertain anymore and believe I am describing everything accurately
I bet I see myself totally differently than how people see me on here. Which is other people might see me as something better than what I see myself as.

If lycopodium is so intellectual I wonder how come I am a bit spiritual and 'get those things'. So I dont know about that unless I got wrong information about lycopodium.

So I will say I dont know anymore. There is nothing worse than to be wrong when you think you are right, so I will stop to not embarass myself.

There is nothing worse than when people around you know the truth but you are blind to it and keep insisting that you are right, like a blind mouse. I see people from above me looking down than. And me like a uncertain, unenlightened mouse insisting on something that is wrong. I never want to be in such situation.

Never want to not know what other people know
[message edited by vitamin.X on Mon, 19 Sep 2011 05:25:01 BST]

Oh god I feel so lowered and embarrassed by how I presented myself... I feel the need to prove myself?? I feel this was ridiculous.


Same old story, the moment I feel like I presented myself lower than I  really am. I come back with a high ego.


I feel like all I said is untrue. And again feel like I know best, better than anyone. And feel like wanting to take over and treat myself. As i know best anyway. Me and a coward? Oh please.


lol. No worries, not GonA do something on my own.


I am just confused a bit. I feel the small me and the big me inside me which is alternating it seems. I don't know which was one is really me. But as I know there are always polarities. Those who are small want to be big. Those who are big fear to lose it and become small... So I guess this means both parts are me


Funny how I alternate so quick and cannot let myself be lowered without coming back with a big ego.


I remember when I was causing mayhem on a socialphobia forum. The same thing happened. I was nice, got along with everyone. Than I played a rejection game. The rejection/critizism which was just a game turned me into such a big ego. I was having fights with everyone. Like I said before I only stopped once they threatened with the police and calling my ISP and other things.


Strange. 


Ok my ego has gone down again now that I corrected it. And having a high ego is not good either. Makes you lonely. 


It feels unintelligent or non enlightened that I feel the need to correct how I present myself and wished I could stop doing this.

Right now I am feeling good again. Like I did while on platina. Good about myself. Lively, expressive, like an actor when I am outside. Lycopodium not a threat as I do not feel I have anything in common with. It. For now at least.

Oh wow. Good. Wait till I get home as I want to do it right. I can already say that I get excited by everything big.

Again I felt like on palladium before and while writing my last post where i felt the need to correct myself but no intensity behind it. Platina robbed me of it. I cannot get into this state anymore where I feel i am this big thing and nothing can touch me. It feels very normal now. As to before where it might have been a bit to intense, crazy

Will describe it soon

Ok while walking home I already come up with descriptions so I returned to my wifi hotspot



Phew such excitement. The biggest thing. The world. I looked up to the sky and nothing taller or bigger than me.

Small. Horrible. Non existent.

I don't know if I am right about this. But I feel killer impulses i believe when I am in this big state. Like wanting to do something to show great I am? I feel it in my chest

Oh wait I see this is not what you asked me to describe, I will do so soon

Need to get home first

You know what describing something big did to me.

Excitement through whole body, hormones got unleashed, my eyes lit up, it made me look to the sky and see myself there. And then the killer look and feeling when I look at people around me. But I don’t understand. Than I get close to them and I act so small and weird. I don’t understand it. And I look like a nice guy probably who could never harm anyone. But I say this is good because it keeps me in check. Who knows what I would do otherwise.


You say I shall describe big and small… There is something I have in my head. Ever since I said in a post above about knowing that I am like “a machine who just spits out lycopodium symptoms from left and right” in above post. So I see myself as this unstoppable machine. Who cannot be defeated. It will keep on and be the last one standing. Cannot defeat it. If it means destroying myself in the process so be it.


Ok now to your description:

Just talk about 'a small me and a big me that is alternating'

Hmm. The small me cannot exist. The moment I feel I appeared small, the big me comes. And it comes with certainty. I am bigger than you. Something changes, total certainty. Its like the small me just died and cannot be seen anywhere. Found in me. So than when I am big and corrected myself then I feel like hard to describe. Lonely. Isolated. Everyone turning away from me and I become normal. Or I start doubting myself. It all depends. Like on the socialphobia forum I never got back to normal. I was having fights with everyone and had a big ego. Because I didn’t need anyone. The moment there was peace I had to start again to make myself seen I guess.

Here it is a bit different. I cannot turn against homeopaths who I need. And now there is a problem with the knowledge I got. That whenever I act in such way it is unenlightened. I am at most certainty when I just got lowered and come back with the big ego. But once corrected there is no need for the ego anymore and uncertainty arises.



Talk about something that is small, that becomes big.

A force inside that makes it bigger and bigger and bigger and the biggest


Talk about something that is big, becoming small.

Non existant. I don’t know another way to describe it. Does not exist. Its not a process of shrinking or getting smaller.


Give me an image for this. Not you, not drawn from your life, not your emotions, just an image, an analogy. Give me several.

From big to small. I cannot give more images. Its nothingness. non existance.


From small to big.

A force, intensity that nothing can stop. Impossible. It is the biggest. Always wins/defeats whatever is in its path.


If it were not so. There would be no place for it on this earth. You cannot be someone who only wins/defeats something at times but looses on the other hand. It has to be always. No place for you on earth otherwise. winning alternating with loosing is just bad bad bad. I could never be a heavyweight boxer unless I defeat everyone. The humiliation of getting defeat once would be to great to bare. So respect to those people who can live by being knocked out on public television. I would want to dissapear from the face of the earth if this happened to me

I can give another example:

Like my BDD. My sun spots bothered me a lot on my skin.

For example there is a new car. And if it got a tiny scratch that almost noone can see. It does not matter. It lost its being 'new' status. So small things can be important sometimes. And people cannot understand why and call you neurotic or obsessive-compulsive? Pretty unenlightened if you ask me. I at least always try to understand and think of a reason why strange things are important to people and know that there must be a valid reason... I dont judge it or call it weird behaviour as I never want to look small minded

So How can one live with taking defeats, or even get just once humiliated in front of people? I cant. It is remembered forever and with it comes a loss.

I am in a fight mood again. Wanting to punch things the moment I turn away from the computer. Just like on palladium only not as intense or crazy like I said. Stability. I can snap out of it if I want to.


I get images of me stabbing people as if I am a warrior or something. It is not in a sick way. Kind of like a child when he plays warrior with his plastic swords and wants to be a great warrior he saw on TV or whatever some day.

So I get those pictures whenver I am in such state as I feel the impulse to fight in my chest.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Mon, 19 Sep 2011 08:15:12 BST]

Ok David.

Ok. I am outside again, will answer when I get home. But I already have an answer to the first question.

It is god... Now I know this might sound like a remedy I know so forgive me. Nothing else comes to mind than god at the moment.

And I felt such excitement after this thought came to me as if I am high from a drug.


Will answer more when I get home

Just talk more about stabbing.

I don’t know. I feel like stabbing everyone who opposes me? Don’t have the energy and strength to debate, argue since I am at the end. So it is “you got something to say about me which I don’t like” -you get stabbed. You want to challenge me - you get stabbed. If you don’t do what I like - you get stabbed. You look at me in a way I don’t like you get stabbed and I don’t care. Not as long as I feel the way I feel.

On the other hand. .. when I walk around in my fight mode with my big ego. Someone does something to me I don’t like – he gets stabbed. And lets see if someone else is going to dare doing something like this stabbed man did to me. It’s a statement to other people.

So stabbing is a way to get rid of nuisances, making people think before they act and think twice before opposing me.

There is also another picture of me being at the end and people attacking me and I stabbing everyone with my last strength, not letting anyone defeat me and feeling high again as if on a drug by not being defeated by anyone. Me standing and not letting anyone get at me. Proof of greatness. That no one can do anything to me. So I get to feel high as if on a drug and feel good.


This all are just things I feel and of course unacceptable and wrong.


What is the biggest force, what can nothing stop?

God. There is nothing else on this world that really stands out Or is miles above anything else. Since we are talking about what nothing can stop. A tsunami can be stopped. At one point it will lose its power. An avalanche also. But God can nothing stop. No one questions him. No one opposes him. People obey as they are supposed to or they get swept aside and taken out.


What is something that defeats whatever is in its path?
God. Mother nature,
A comet, avalanche, tsunami – loose their power so they cannot. It cannot be anything on this earth. A nuclear bomb could though.


What is the experience of something in the path of that thing?
Don’t know if I understand this question correct. .. Better submit or get out of the way before this small nuisance will be dealt with, get rid of, or taken out.


How does the big you come? In what manner does it come?
It comes down as a heavy force on who ever deserves it or made the mistake.
I want to say it comes down as a powerful force and you better stop doing whatever you did that offended me or you are going to regret it. But I cannot say this. I cannot talk about it. I cannot talk about how “great” I am. In case it isn’t true it is to humiliating. I am uncertain about it. It is either seen by people or it is not – but you are never supposed to speak about it. The worst thing is trying to boast as it makes you look small immediately. Someone who is big does not boast. There is no need for it. Only someone who does not believe so in himself, about whether he is big or not feels the need to boast. So why would I boast? So I felt uncomfortable answering this question and would have rather avoided it. It is humiliating needing to describe such thing.


How does a small thing disappear?
Non existence like I said. Like a star it becomes invisible or an island on a map depending on the scale. You cannot see it If you have a bigger map with a bigger scale. No one knows it exists.

I feel like we are on the right thing. But again now I am feeling embarrassed about having to talk about big things. Thinking of myself being big makes me feel embarrassed. Its not me. But again now that I start talking about this and lowering myself again. There comes the ego down with a force and the need to fight, stab etc

Strange.

You must know though if lets say someone does not do what I would want them to do.. I respond with embarassment or humiliation. Or if someone lowers me also but there comes a point when he has done it to often or for to long that I than alternate to my other state.


So for that reason I dont dictate people around. I did do so more since taking platina because at time I felt confident and just knew my mother will obey. And it was for small things though. Not some big things

I dont dictate when I feel bad as it is humiliating
[message edited by vitamin.X on Mon, 19 Sep 2011 12:06:12 BST]