Platinum Metallicum _{Page 10 of 14}

BDD seems to be back. I was in front of the mirror in the morning for a while looking at my lower jaw how horrible it makes me look and have that mc donalds face - (Not correctly developed face). When I was on the Platina I was beautiful and just knew it and wondered how I could ever have BDD and worry so much about my appearance. That it was ridiculous. But I can clearly see what the issue is and why I worry so much now again… When I open my mouth, my lower jaw which is smaller is visible, makes me look like every other idiot on this world. I cannot have a not correctly developed face! Hiding it is not an option, never was. When someone looks at me and sees my jaw I will be dismissed into nonexistence because I don’t stand out from the rest. I still look good I would say, not ugly. This is not the problem. When I don’t open my mouth it is all good still. But when I do and see it. I feel horrible.
 
BDD is my deepest issue. I cannot live with this problem. This problem I cannot forget and is bothering me 24/7 when it comes up. My appearance is so important. First people look at you and if I am not “special” looking or standing out I can all forget it. My social anxiety comes only next, if people decide to talk to me. But BDD is the core, people look at you first and form their opinion of you based on that first. If my appearance isn’t the way it must be, no one will talk to me anyway so social anxiety does not matter. I live and die by my appearance. And I might be good looking but my potential flaws can drive me crazy and they are on my mind still and close to driving me crazy again.
 
 
If this wont go back to a good level again I will have no choice but to take platina. I didn’t react to my flaws as usual. I just saw them and noticed them and felt a bit bad again and as if it is the end of the world, It is not that bad yet where I react and feel as horrible as it gets. But the pictures in my head are back. The worry that my face has flaws + I am drawn to the mirror but not yet really that fixed, but yea I cannot be alone because this problem is on my mind and I check my face than in my room mirror constantly. Take a look every now and than.
 
What was weird is that I slept really long tonight 12 hours.
Why do I react to animal remedies so strong always but minerals or plants not. I took 3 drops 8 hits and 2 teaspoons the first time I took platina. Compared to 1drop 2hits and 2 teaspoons from the scorpio.
 
I will wait and see what will happen. But it doesn’t look good. Yesterday night I could see the tension and my facial expression without a personality again. Platina worked beautifully in this regard, make myself become visible again when I looked in the mirror, the nice expressive personality was again visible on my face, I really liked myself again. Actually thinking about it now it seems like yesterday was just like the days in the past just before  I got the BDD and today I got it again.
 
If the BDD does not go away without a doubt I need platina and wont go away from it again until I am either cured or the platina does not produce results anymore.
BDD was at a cured state, no pictures of body parts in my head, no mirror staring and to the opposite..  my expression, personality was back and I liked myself.
 
I am sorry, I wished the scorpio would work, but lets see maybe it will turn for the better. .. Tonight I had a very vivid and long long dream of sexual nature with kissing and some fetishes involved. No sexual intercourse though probably because I never had it yet.
 
 

I will give it about 7 more days because the aggravations were quite something and today it went at my deepest problem the BDD. So maybe there will come results in the coming days and I won't like an idiot run to safety for platina instantly. Nothing wrong with having a bit of a hard time and something to battle... Ah my ego talking again lol.


I just checked, got in front of the mirror and as in the past, I cannot feel myself. As if there is a block. Tensions come up immediately.


I cannot feel myself so no personality or anything but right now still I can not be affected by it, and some good feeling about myself are still present in the background. So all has not gone back to the state of before taking platina


Platina did so many things that it is impossible to disregard. I just read the other day about hysteria and saw platina mentioned there. And the upper eye lid twitching was mentioned which I had constantly on the phosphorus while aggravating and something that troubled me in the past. It was my upper right eye lid.


And my experience in terms of social anxiety on the platina was that it became ok to make mistakes, it became ok with however something I want to do or say around people makes me look. No big deal.


I will wait as I said how this will all develop over the coming days


In the morning I woke up once before falling asleep again soon a minute later, and I thought to myself there is no chance I am going to meet the ugly girls I was chatting with.... and this has been always with me the case the better I feel about myself the more haughty I get. So if I will be made to feel better and better about myself with homeopathy I will get haughtier and I think looking back at it that is exactly what happened. When I started out I was nice and ok with any remedy, even argued i am lycopodium, towards the end before taking platina, only palladium and platina were remedies I would still consider taking, no others! And now after taking platina I became ok again with taking anything.


I personally feel platina must be my remedy. The issue of being special was gone a few days after taking platina but it is here again I feel.


I also won't forget what happened after a woman asked me if my dog has been mistreated in the past be Ashe she barked at her.


I won't take it yet. Last thing I want is to take the remedy and make myself look as if I want to be it. That looks to bad.

I believe I am a difficult case. I believe I might be an animal myself and the feeling I get is that I have to defend off other people. I have to defend off other people taking things from me, my position, what I could be. My girls, my stuff, my centre of attention, I feel like people want my position and I have to defend myself and I will be the last one standing. No one can defeat me, am not going to allow it. It is like how much more can I take? When I see people around me in my position, how much more am I going to allow it? And they doing this to me I am not going to let myself get defeated by it. And when I feel small from it, I might than get the ego to distance myself and look down upon those people so that I can feel good about myself and feel higher than them. Like my position is not in danger than. And I act high than, and people from the distance I show see me as someone high or different and get interested in me.


I also feel slightly more emotionally mature maybe. Deep emotional songs move me, but then I get to a point of intensity where it gets too much. I don’t know how some singers can get so deep emotionally into a song. Because once I become in touch with this emotional intensity I fear it will get more and more intense and it becomes very unpleasant. But I cannot back down than either. Unpleasant. I feel totally exhausted without strength from it but I cannot back down than either.


I also do not ever show emotional intensity around my family for example. I could not listen to an emotional song. I could not look like the “mature one” around our house. I don’t know what the issue with this is for me. But I believe I will get ridiculed or something. Or maybe I feel small around people and not big enough to listen to such songs? I don’t know. It would be humiliating if I changed and listened to such song all of a sudden around my family. And I know they wouldn’t like it, that I try to be the “mature one” now in the family is how they would see it as (I am sure of it), and I know they would feel in danger by it than, and they would feel the need to protect themselves against me appearing above them? Maybe I don’t like to be alone or have people against me? but it is humiliating, vulnerability when I get attacked for such embarrassing thing as is emotional weakness.


It is ok to fight, be angry, to be cold but to love? to show love or emotionality in love is not. And something I don’t think will ever change for me as it is considered a weakness. I am weak if I am like that. It would be so weird if I listened to such song in front of my father. I know he would try to childishly protect himself by trying to ridicule me or something to not feel less than me now. And me feeling like I am on top of our family and all others are below me is not something I like at all. I don’t like being the one who should take care of everything and is responsible for everything, Too much sadness and loneliness, isolation.


There is something about the scorpio remedy that happened yesterday and made me more in touch with this emotional intensity and I listened often to the same song over and over but it does not make me feel good. In a way it does to have this emotional intensity open again - to feel again. But on the other hand it does not feel good. I am not in a good state or a state where I feel good, rather some emotional pain or grieving, I don’t know. I was never in a relationship in my life anyway.


I am emotional, often over the top but I have problems with showing affection, physical contact, emotional vulnerability and all that stuff, showing a liking for someone etc


My brothers friends are downstairs again and I feel great hate, displeasure for all of them, I feel like I could stab all of them… as they are offending me. But of course I would never do such thing, it just feels that way because I am offended by it greatly that I cannot go down, well I was downstairs, but still I feel so offended by it. I want them to all go and leave the house! Funny thing is if they were nice to me and I responded in a good way also, in a way where I would not embarrass or humiliate myself (not make myself look bad)… I would feel totally different about all of them than I guess. Be nice, sympathetic and like them.


My stomach is not so stable anymore that is why my BDD is back for sure. I can feel bad feelings in my stomach when I look in the mirror

End of day:

-Cannot look at myself into the mirror as mentioned above, but not glued to the mirror yet.

-a bit of a headache

ok thanks.


Today again same story I woke up to early, felt tired but could not fall back asleep and this causes great anger.

It feels like the year 2009 all over again.

So I got out of bed to the mirror and just saw faults again.

First the area between your mouth and tip of the nose seemed bigger than usual. It stood out more I thought, as if swollen or something. It is the same thing I worried about in the past.

Than later in bed after tossing around unable to sleep. I got the images of the faults of my face and from distance when I looked at the mirror I noticed how everything looks totally unbalanced again. My lower jaw, chin on the left side of my face looks as if some bone is missing, to small.

Then I got my pocket mirror and observed my nose and some things on it looked changed which in turn made me worry whether it now looks bigger than usual, which makes me observe my nose from every angle to know for sure, from close up, from far away etc.

Then I saw one of my teeth might look more chipped maybe from the teeth grinidng at night and I couldnt really tell, but I looked at it from all angles again because I had to be sure. In case it is getting chipped away I need to know and do something about it.


My teeth look to small in general, the cartillage on my nose seems to be going.


I dont know. I fear loosing my nose, my teeth and everything looks unbalanced and some things to big some to small.

And than I try to juggle all this, correct my teeth, my nose and there is never rest. Once I fix one thing another thing appears.



I got arg-nit 1M today because I ordered it last thursday being 100% certain I will need it. But I am not going to take it yet. As I want to see what will come after this aggravation. It is really hard to control myself to not take it and I cannot promise anything. And also thoughts like 'you know you have difficulty with controlling your impulses, just take this remedy and it will be fixed and is just another sign you need it' doesnt help much either. But it would be to easy to get out that way and dont want to be a sucker.

Arg-nit is something I will have to try (sorry) because so many things point to it. The panic when my father comes home and unexpectedly tells me to go to someone and I than after the panic calmes down, think of ways of how I am going to get through it, how I will behave, do etc.


Please let me take it after the scorpio remedy if nothing good happens after the aggravation dies down.

I mean please be ok with it.



Funny how I experienced total peace regarding my BDD and now it is back. The difference between the 2 states, the one i was in before taking the scorpio and now after taking it is quite astounishing and impossible to believe that something can make something that was not an issue before and issue again.

I try to think outside of the box when I switch between such states and not get affected by it. So I hope it is just my perception that is wrong again. But I cannot stand it when I saw the area between my mouth and tip of the nose look bigger again. As I cannot live this way.

I guess I will not then. I hope arg-nit is not my remedy than as it is blocked for consideration by you.


I ate an apple and feared I might chip or damage my teeth, just like in the past. I rationaly try to calm myself by thinking this is not possible but I cannot help and need to check in the mirror to know for sure

to know for sure I didnt chip them
[message edited by vitamin.X on Mon, 26 Sep 2011 01:36:44 BST]

So the experience is that things are out of balance, (to big, to small, or wrinkles, spots)

and I fear loosing my appearance for every little thing. Like just touching my nose with my hand accidentally a bit to strong makes me check in the mirror if I did something to it.
Or as I said eating hard things, or drinking anything but water etc.

It isnt as bad now that I got out of bed. There are still some good feelings present in the background and I can at times forget about it but I am definately compulsive again and become fixed if I once touch my nose or get the thought that I might have chipped my teeth.


In the morning it was really bad though, just like in the past.

I got nothing against the animals but the animals are chaos. There are a 1000 of them and the science or provings there dont seem exact to me. It seems like chaos and any of those curing me seems impossible. To pick from the 1000's one that fits me. I feel at home with the minerals, my intuition tells me I am a mineral and I like how exact and ordered all is there. How by rows and stages one can find the remedy one needs.


I am sure this doesnt mean much, and of course would not mean I am a mineral. And my intuition might just be the good feeling of the order I see there.

I think I might be a mineral who just expresses himself as an animal lol joke. Probably not true, except if I got animal provings, you never know

I know animals are ordered into groups and subgroups too, but animals are still being proven and there are so many that it still seems chaos and naturally I feel bad about the chances of a rare animal to fit me. It seems like people have most success by getting minerals prescribed. And it is my experience too.

Animals feel so strong whenver I take them and dont see a change. Last one made me panic.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Mon, 26 Sep 2011 01:59:43 BST]

i am still unsure about what remedy could fit me:

fit all this:


my emotional problems of being open, vulnerability, show affection face to face, love


My body dysmorphia

my ego problem

my fears and anxieties

embarassment, humiliation


If my mother died I thought about today in the morning I could not live. The depression and opression would all get to much. The loss would be to great. I would be alone and totally lost in this world. Not have emotional connection or support from anyone. I could live with my brothers maybe but still. Not with my father though that would just intensify everything all the bad feelings

I would need someone who is there for me, takes care of me. With my mother I dont ever show affection or hug her and even go away from her when she wants to hug me, and feel embarassed when she says something back about not letting myself to be hugged, that I am ashamed or something she says in a ridiculing way, but still I could not live without her I guess.

I always had someone who took care of me in a way. When I was 14 and smoking marijuana I had a friend who was 20 but in the end they all turned against me. And it made me feel bad about myself

Based on that it was natural I thought that I am for sure natrum muriaticum. The emotional problems and closeness, the silent grieving when my friends started misstreating me. I never spoke up about it, just was quiet and than distanced myself from them to play computer games on my own all day or stay on my own. But later when I moved countries and was in school again. I wanted the girls deep down but not let myself into a position where I could get hurt or the same thing happen to me again. To get hurt and ridiculed by friends, people. Misstreated and made to feel worthless


I also didnt go to school once for a long period of time and just walked around in the city everyday on my own. When my parents found out they got angry and hit me but I didnt tell anyone why I didnt go to school. I was just quiet.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Mon, 26 Sep 2011 02:26:04 BST]

So and now that I am alone for so many years and feel unjust done by missing out on life, not getting love,attention or anything. And just here on my own and noone caring for me I got the BIG ego, but the big ego goes whenever someone is nice to me or wants to chat, for as long as the person isnt some really low life. Like really bad in appearance. I dont have high standards. Just dont like it if someone who is really low or a nerd or that type of things and wants to befriend me.

So I believe my anxiety and fears lie in my emotional problems. And not allowing myself to get hurt again, made to feel worthless,

I gave my dog the 1M of arg- nit as I am sure she could benefit and has the jerks in sleep and scratching of ears until she bleeds, and is fearful type. So I took a smell of the arg nit after opening the bottle and thinking how I would wish to take it, but now 5 minutes later I am feeling panic again and want to run out. Although it is milder. It feels as if I took the remedy almost?? whats going on. Is my mind programmed to panic when it smells the smell of remedies? Probably since the last experience turned out bad. My chest and head feel heavy and I fear I might not be able to take it any longer so I want to run out to safety.

It is this tension and heaviness in my chest and head that make me panic, when I fear I cannot take it or control it any longer (hold it back).

But I think it is ok again, except breathing is a bit difficult again
[message edited by vitamin.X on Mon, 26 Sep 2011 02:41:25 BST]

I am not an emotional closed person, to not give the wrong picture, except around my father that is.

I am lively and talkactive at home as long as my father isnt around. THan I cannot be anymore, I get serious and introverted than I think.

So I am lively but when it comes to the topic of love I get embarassed and feel bad.


I still dont feel good since smelling that remedy and am going to go out. It is not the crazy panic. It only comes up again and gets worse when I am on the computer. Breathing feels restricted and tension in my head and chest that make me be close to panic. I dont know what is going on. Just like last time I feel.

Hey, I am not experimenting. I asked for help for my dog on here 3 times and no answeres so I looked up her pysichals symptoms and saw argentum fits and even asked last time I posted on here about a month ago if I can giver argentum and no answers. And now that I got it thought I would give her a drop

She scratches herself constantly and I want to help her.



____________


I said I am not going to take any remedy on my own. Because you will not help anymore than. And I dont want that because findind the remedy is only half of the task the other is taking the right potency etc.

I know I am difficult. And the reason. I just dont have time to wait. So many months have passed and I am getting reminded that university enrolments starts soon. I am under a lot of pressure. And so on.

I believe it is easier for me over the internet to find my remedy than for a homeopath. Because I have all info about myself stored in my mind. A homeopath might get the complete wrong picture of me over the internet. I dont know. I would certainly believe in remedy prescriptions to be accurate if seeing someone in person face to face.

But ok ok I let you do the prescribing. I did not take any remedy. I just want something to get started. Going out into the world still seems like something I am not going to do, I rather die.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Mon, 26 Sep 2011 03:54:34 BST]

To not appear like an obsessive person who experiments on a dog... I did not give her any remedy anymore because I did not know what to give her. But since I got the arg-nit and it is something I can see fitting and the pysichals point to it too I thought I would give her a drop. And see if she will stop her biting and scratching of her ears and legs


This is what worries me as over the internet I dont know how I am appearing and if I will ever get the right remedy prescribed. But I guess I have no other option than to hope somehow all will turn out good.

So please lets wait and lets focus treatment on my issues that are very relevant. Like not wanting to go and study or work, my emotional problems etc

And the selfishness,deceit and lieing symptoms I do not really agree with that I always get with the animal prescriptions. But I am not going to fight it. If I look deceiving than I guess I must be it, otherwise people wouldnt think that of me I always thought.

But than on the other hand this is not always true, people are often wrong in their observations about me and make me believe something about myself that isnt true and causes sometimes suffering. I guess I am suggestible or easily influenced as you said.

So what shall I do now? to be the perfect patient? I guess you could prescribe a remedy to calm my worries from fear that I/we will never find the right remedy and will stay in this state forever.

BDD is a problem again. I worry whether my teeth are more misaligned than before.

And nothing seems to have gotten better as of today

I am worried about everything

There is no need to keep repeating yourself. How is it not visible that I am friggin intelligent and aware of most things? I Always think of everything deeply and as objectively as humanly possible! And always try to keep an open mind and not be blind to something. I know better than everyone that if I would calm down all would be well. But unfortunately emotions are stronger than the rational mind


Phosphorus, platina brought me in a better state. But anthropleura and the Scorpio currently into a rather bad state again.

Palladium was bad too but still it left me in a much better state than those 2 animal remedies.

So