Platinum Metallicum _{Page 9 of 14}

I have a fear of failure also for sure.

On dating sites I feel like noone wants me often, horrible. Outside around people I feel like everyone wants me in my town- or in the past. But if I go into the city that is horrible horrible too. Like when I walk down the busy streets I feel like noone wants me or paying me attention as I am used to.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 13:58:56 BST]

^^^
So based on above post I would say I swing between everyone wants me, I am likeable, desired and

noone wants me/ am annoying/ not likeable THESE ARE REALLY HORRIBLE FEELINGS. A bad state how will you have friends than, be really liked and complimented, the center of attention and all the good things. I cannot feel good and desire to be the special, unique someone than who feels good being lively, expressive etc

And I dont meet people unless they really really want me, the slightest feeling that they lost a bit of interest in me depresses me. Happens on dating sites often.

Edit: I am getting older, my birthday is narrowing in. It is making me afraid!
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 15:07:39 BST]

Please read comments on page 8th when you have time about the long list you posted. I belive it is very good and will lead to a remedy. Thanks a lot! Although it is not urgent as I cannot order remedies until monday anyway as everything is closed.

Scorpio remedy seems to be working a bit. And I woke up early again. But since yesterday restricted movement is worse.

Yesterday I was in the kitchen. Than my father came talked to me. I was washing my hands, looking into the sink and than I felt the tensions, restricted movement I felt immediately, i will not manage to look at him. So I get an apple to eat and cut with my knife pieces away to put in my mouth while talking to him and position myself away from him for like 90 degrees and look at TV while talking. And eat the apple. Than he comes closer again and I go to the sink again and make myself a glass to drink. I am feeling such restriction, looking at him while I feel this tense and restricted movement is horrible. I cannot do it, because when I do i feel so horrible. It is so different from when I feel good and look at someone. And can you believe it I would have such issues with looking at someone. My father? who I live with for so many years and should be desentesized by all the exposure. BUt it is this ***** tension, restricted movement. I could look at thim of course if I wanted too, but I would feel horrible and my mind clearly does not want me to look at him because I feel such restriction, tense. And if I looked at him I would have to immediately move, look away do something or those tensions and everything would get really strong.

The same thing only stronger today in the morning with my younger brother.

I usually also always have this restricted movement, tenison, where I cannot look freely wherever I want if I am in my younger brothers room with him. I cannot have easy eye contact. There always is a need to look away often and the restricted movement. ANd this is with my younger brother who I am not afraid of and can talk with normaly too!



I highly believe I must be plant remedy. And it is worse than I described above when this actually happens. I cannot tune into it when it isnt happening, because I dont want too.

Since pLatina I know what a reactive person I am! And I always expect to get hurt and fear hurting someone


I will bring up the anarcadium again. I did not at all read anything about it yesterday or even have it on my mind. SO please read the above comments to your last post about what my themes are and tell me if it sounds anarcadium.


I do not want to go away from the 'war machine' remedies (plat, anarc, scorpio, merc). Because Platina has helped a lot, the scorpio remedy makes me feel less numb again and feel more parts of my body, But today I am a bit overbearing at home with my younger brother and have the trouble of looking at him from tensing up in my head, neck, chest immeditaely and even my eyes get sort of dead,tense do not move, the tension, all this crap that comes up when I look at someone, even if it is my younger brother who I am not afraid of at all. This can just be plant remedy? no?





I will comment on this symptom about anarcadium but I do not believe it is for the same reason as anracadium.... I do when I chat with girls talk nicely to them and often I think of writing them a 'mean' message out of nowhere. And I think of what would happen, how she would feel etc and than when I think of how she would hurt me back and make me anxious I stop thinking about it. I never would describe this as an angel and devil talking into each side of my ears. And I think it is maybe just me trying to think how it would be if I asserted myself or told her the truth about how I feel. I dont know.


Anarcadium is a difficult remedy to identify with as it is hard telling whether this is the reason why I do what I do.

I often say I dont know am undecisive around my father.

I have been bad to my animals often. Although I dont think it was that bad. But out of nowhere something would trigger me on a field and I would tell my dog to sit and if she didnt sit I would get violent than she would be all afraid and shake and not be able to sit or even listen to me but I could not stop despite a side (a voice of course yes the nice me)of me telling me to stop. But it has no effect usually, towards the end before I stopped doing it from the self help it had more effect. I wanted her to sit and could not stop. And her fearful behaviour made me more violent at times. Although I dont think it was that bad as I still could not hurt her really. It were a few hits. Wich made her more fearful than feel any pain at all as I dont think I hit her strongly. But I felt horrible in a way what I am doing, but I could not stop, unemotional or felt cold, and just slightly could feel something from this situation that is going on which is a bad one. This has been often the case with me in the past. I was telling myself to stop but no effect

This was horrible from me but since doing lots of self help I dont do this anymore. I would get triggered when my dog did something I didnt like out of nowhere. When alone away from people with her.

I really like my dog though. I dont feel much but I am nice to her and like her and do everything, pet her the most, take her everywhere with me, never want to leave her alone as I would feel bad for her etc Always been very good to my animals also


I dont know what the need to prove oneself is in anrcadium. do not understand it at all. But I will give my view, my last homeopath got on my nerves. I did not like her from how she started treating me after I just presented her cases for lycopodium. Why I think I am it. And we got into arguments. But I kept doing it. There was no option to leave her and go to someone else? Because where could I go else? And even after she blocked me on her email list I kept sending her emails about how I am right, or months later whenever a remedy seemed to be working I thought of sending her an email and telling her which remedy cured me. But thankfully I never really did it otherwise I would embarass myself as no one cured me yet.



I really dont think I am anarcadium though. Because embarassment and some things arent mentioned? I cannot get the right feel for it so I will stop. Please keep the plants in my mind because of my trouble to look at someone even my family members

I feel so bad talking about remedies as I know you dont like this and is wrong but I cannot stop, dont know why. Sorry
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 23:23:29 BST]

I am not denying them, no need for that I just feared it might not be accurate so I wanted to comment on it. But ok I will not fight it. It is true that I have great problems with someone totally controlling everything or commanding me around. I cannot let this happen. It is the same feeling when my father tells me to do a task, a task that takes time that is. There is the dilemma as it is against my will and feels like I am controlled to tightly, or that I am taken advantage off and should speak up about it otherwise people will always do this to me. But I don’t want to cause a conflict against my father who is rather aggressive or angry and I will not be able to take this, despite whatever fear or dislike for anger, conflict I might have I will shout back and not let this happen.


So usually I do his tasks with this horrible feeling of being controlled to tightly/taken advantage off and I should speak up, let my displeasure be known etc but I cant. Than if the task takes too long or I get more controlled, or commanded around my displeasure grows and becomes visible to my father hopefully as I just cannot do this anymore. I work slower with a tiring looking face or something like that. And once he comments on it and he attacks me first or criticises me than the fight can begin lol, than I don’t feel I need to hold back and be nice, if that is the reason I don’t know though,.. it could be that I feel like I cannot be unfriendly when he is treating me nice and asking me to do something, but the moment he criticises me that I am slow or whatever I feel now it is ok to let my displeasure out and speak up about it all. I cannot be bad and hurt someone just out of the blue. It can be seen quite clearly that I feel unjust or want to give my opinion when I get a task and not just quietly take the task on against my will but I cannot speak up about it, let my displeasure be known, not face to face. What does this sound like? I wish to get this cured? As people will take advantage of me in the real world also. In a work place It would take again open unjustified criticism from other people before I can start defending myself, otherwise they could treat me nicely but take advantage of me. I would know they are taking advantage of me of course but not be able to speak up about it, because that would be unfriendly, not nice, wrong. .. In my current state I doubt I could even defend myself against open criticism at a workplace as I don’t feel like talking around people, have anxiety issues! But if I could do that I surely would feel good and my anxiety would be less from than on in the workplace I believe.


SOMETHING USEFUL: DREAM THAT I TOOK ANOTHER DOSE OF THE SCORPIO REMEDY


I woke up to early today again. So I tried to go back to sleep a while ago again because I felt tired, sleepy. And phew! When I am tired throughout the day I cannot be still to fall asleep. It feels like a fight. It is like I am kicking and hitting or fighting against it and will not fall asleep. I cannot give up the control and give in to fall asleep. It is the sensations, feelings of tensions etc… So it felt like I don’t want to move, my body tense, I didn’t want to move my limbs or anything, it is like the paralytic weakness. And my chest felt also heavy at the center or oppressed, deep breathing, neck tense, heart palpitations at times. And it feels like my body is fighting against it with wanting to move. Sitting still or lieing down always aggravates me – I get tense and movement is heavier etc. It is the same thing when I am panicky or when I smoked marijuana being still made me get anxiety rushes, pounding, throbbing in the head etc. I will give a few examples. It is like when a snake, shark would have you and try to swallow you. You do anything possible to get free. Or like last time I saw on the TV a plant that eats insects and has a trap set. Once the insect gets trapped. It struggles kicks and hits to get free. Being still is the worst thing. You got to move.

So in the dream I took another spoon of the scorpio remedy. Than panic again and the fear of the anxiety rushes pounding, throbbing, fainting. The fear that my family members will see me in this state. The fear that all this will get to much to cope/deal with and cause further panic. I tried to go into the bathroom to shower, lock myself in, but I feared being still in the shower and having water over me will not calm me down but make me faint or panic and not be able to breath from the steam of warm water and humidity. Also who and how will someone help me? if I am locked in the bathroom and faint or whatever. So than I opened the bathroom door again, I saw my brother walk past and I asked him something with my voice sounding perfectly normal and I felt good to be able to control this again and be able to calm down. It is like on the marijuana when I smoked. I panicked I will be found out that something is wrong, that I have done something and so great panic always to not be able to hide it, control myself. I think a light just went on in my head and this is what all the panic and hiding my eyes is about, to not show I smoked marijuana or took drugs. Eyes reveal you smoked marijuana. Voice also and the need to control this, hide this with great difficulty. Great difficulty and panic

So than I remember I walked to the left out of the bathroom and thought to myself that nothing can defeat me. But than the panic, the fight to not faint when the fainting attacks came. This is just a horrible feeling. It is like I am dieing and then getting back to life. Almost like torture a bit or suffocating and than breathing and suffocating getting 0 air again and breathing again. 1 foot in death and another in life. I believe that is what fainting is called?... When you feel like you are losing consciousness. So I decided to go to my brothers room. Than all of a sudden my face felt numb and the area around my mouth and mouth felt as if becoming swollen I believe. I didn’t know what was happening and great fear what will happen or how much worse it will get. So I went into my brothers room I said something to him and realizing that my voice sounded good I felt like I have stuff under control again but then when I lied down I aggravated so much, fainting, couldn’t breath and my neck got so heavy, either as if something is around it or it just being heavy and it felt like I was being lifted, the body below my neck, or it felt light, all complaints gone, but intensified drastically by the neck as I said and then I woke up.

Like I said the scorpio aggravation was not a pleasant experience and when I have panic it is quite unpleasant to say the least. Does that mean I am hysterical still?

If you remember I said while on the scorpio remedy that I had to stay by the balcony and if my mother comes get out. I also said that the question “what is wrong?” makes my panic so worse?

When I smoked marijuana, I felt panic and the need to hide/control myself to appear normal and not look like on drugs when coming home, especially my eyes and avoid eye contact brought on great panic. And the question 'what is wrong?' from my mother always brought on the panic even more internally. I got it asked once agter I cam home and wento to sit down watch TV in my room after she followed me into the room. And I was as if unmovable after she asked me this, not even looking at my mother as if I didn’t hear her while she was standing next to me. I froze I guess from panic and my mother than already in a panic called for my father and shouted that something is wrong with me that he should come. But I kept cool and felt the panic just on the inside since I must not let it be seen and asked her what is supposed to be wrong and my father didn’t come then an she went away also.

I often got such scares, and my mother often scanned me after I came home. The suspicion i could not bare anymore. The summer heat when smoking marijuana, great depression. I was just trying to cope with everything. when I went with my brother to those friends to smoke with I just tried to control myself and look normal to not attract criticism just to get through
everything that was ahead of me.

Marijuana messed me up or rather the correct way would be it was the experience. If smoking marijuana would be consideref ok this would never happen.

So i just feel great panic that i cannot control myself and appear normal
[message edited by vitamin.X on Sat, 24 Sep 2011 03:22:38 BST]

stimulants coffee, red bull, marijuana,even remedies really affect me,

coffee over stimulates me though

So either panic often, or feel exhausted, heavy with slow movements and as if paralyzed, no strength. not wanting to move

So let us keep in mind.

stimulants very bad for me

heat of sun - just HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE. slows me down, depresses me, heavinees, just horrible.

double post
[message edited by vitamin.X on Sat, 24 Sep 2011 03:30:42 BST]

To correct something above where I said people will take advantage of me in the workplace... the problem is not of ego really but to have to experience this. Have to make up with that. I dont want to get through that. I rather avoid it as I feel just so horrible than. The heaviness, depression, slowness and assuming that this will always happen now and
I will not be able to get away from this, to not get tasks from people to do anymore

^^^
no, there would be ego now. In the past there was none but now there would be

I felt it to be true after thinking of it so I corrected it above. That there would be

What would happen if my parents knew a few years ago I smoke marijuana is that I think this is unpardonable. Something that will never be forgotten and it changes everything. Never will I be looked at the same way again. I would feel like I am a different person to my parents, who they will never like, have feelings for again. I also took once another drug which is above marijuana and this one I could not even tell any of my classmates or friends about. Ok the marijuana would not be so bad, but this other drug above marijuana would definitely be. This would be so panic provoking. I would lose all friends instantly and this unreal disconnection of instantly being on my own, having no one and the anxiety and uncertainty from how people would see me now that they know I took drugs. Am I insane to them now? A monster with holes in his head who cannot function correctly? I realize those are a bit weird ideas but that is how horrible it seemed to me always. It was ok to know for the people I smoked marijuana with since they constantly took them on their own. But outside of this group it was a great “sin” if I can call it that way. Unforgiving. Always rememberd. Just horrible. Nothing would be the same again. It is this.. I took drugs you did not, now you might think I am crazy and there is no interaction possible, we are not on the same. I cannot change your mind and make you see that taking the drug is no big deal I am still the same as you. All attempts will fail. Unchangeable.

Once when I was high from smoking marijuana and got home my mother smelled me and I used as an excuse that friends smoked, even after I had to blow air into her face. But I didn’t care than and felt quite good about how this horrible bad thing I expected to happen if my parents ever find out did not happen. I expected everything to change. The WORST.

So I could not even tell you on here what drug I took once beside the marijuana. Anxiety and tension in my throat, center of the head – brain? comes up instantly.


TEMPERATURE:

Like I said I hate heat from the sun. I can shower with warm, hot water. And prefer it. In the shower the heat is not bad. My knees feel just weak and I feel slightly faint-like but that is it. I dislike cold outside also, but mentally it does not affect me, not cause any change. But the heat from the sun does in a BIG way. This isolating depressing feelings come up. It is like I am walking down and empty street. So isolating. I cannot connect with anyyone. It feels like I am trying to control myself and every other human I see it feels like they try to just do their best to control themselves, bear this heat and not make themselves look like monsters too. What this reminds me of is being in a club where everyone is on drugs and looking like monsters who seem to try to control themselves from not losing it.


So no communication/interaction in this state possible. You are alone on your own. And I rarely see any human anyway it seems when I walk in the heat.

The heat feels heavy, exhausting, isolating, hopeless, bad state of mind. Cannot escape it. It is all around you and when I go into a shadow or wherever to get away from it it still doesn’t change anything instantly back. In the summer I am aggravated. It is not just the heat. Isolation is the most prominent symptom I would say


I was about 14 when I started smoking marijuana and getting exposed to such environments like clubs. I was always the good boy and this I guess was just all too much for me, for someone sensitive like me. A mama’s boy lol who would never do bad things.


Someone just knocked on the door. It were 4 little kids about 5 years of age who wanted something like sweets or whatever because there is a birthday party in the neighbourhood and I got anxiety, heart palpitations and run up the bathroom to lock myself in, to not be asked to open up. One family member was sleeping so I could have been asked why I didn’t open and this would leave me feeling to horrible that someone knew I didn’t open the door on purpose. So now I could have an excuse at least that I went to the toilet. This is always like that.

So I did the memory clearing, clearing traumatic memories etc as I often mentioned for one whole year. There were 1000’s of them I cleared. I just wanted to get free from all my problems and it did not matter how big the task was. It had to be done. And I expected I will be this great guy who will have no limitations. Nothing from the past will be holding me back since it is all cleared. I will be better than ever. So great I thought! But it went horribly wrong and BDD, deep depression, hypochondria etc as I mentioned often. I felt more disconnected and distant from everything and numb than ever before. And half year later after I started doing the memory clearing I felt feelings of death on a daily basis, worries of c-ancer, skin disease my appearance loosing. It was difficult to manage all this. I had to finish what I started doing no matter what I thought. Only this way I will have a life.

I don’t know if any healing occurred from this. When I think of my past I don’t feel anything. It feels like this all happened a life time ago when I was young and still in school. Is it because I grew more distant? as I said from the isolation for being almost all day inside and clearing those memories, not having much social contact? or is this what was supposed to happen from the self help tool? Well it cannot be cure since I am worse than before and from deleting the energetic charge of those memories I should have been over my anxiety. But I am not. This what I have done was crazy, I was like a machine who would not stop even after getting BDD, deep depression etc I kept on with all that and continued for another 6 months. Staring in the mirror half a day and then on to clearing memories when I got so depressed from the ugliness and worthlessness that I could not look anymore and continued clearing memories. I thought a great life lies ahead once I am done. Just continue. And I can only think of aurum metallicum from the remedies I know of who would do such crazy thing with no stopping, or platina maybe?

Anyway the scorpio remedy did not do much. In fact yesterday I felt the hopelessness and destructiveness a bit as I mentioned today also. The need to do something.No desire to really go out. Outside I was hiding and just wanted to get away from people. Uncomfortable.

But in saying that there still is change/improvement from the platina noticeable. I don’t get affected as much as before by everything that used to bother me. Even the heat problem does not affect me in the bad way I described above anymore. I miss a bit how good it was on the platina. I was having great hope and even looking for an education for my future. That I thought was a big improvement and even the BDD has gone and so I am also less affected by everything compared to before. And feel better about myself in general.

Platina should not be discarded. I would not take it again unless my BDD comes back and everything else gets as bad as it used to be. I would rather take aurum if I took any remedy from the minerals. To see what it would do, whether better or worse than platina. As aurum has worthlessness, fear of failure, all will fail, guilt – which I have lots off. And I don’t know whether I have a desire for life. Well it is better than it used to be but for the past 2 days it is down again. From the scorpio remedy. But Platina’s change in my stomach which influences my affectedness level of my issues I noticed is keeping it at a bearable not intense level. But I have no desire to really be aurum anymore, so no worries, aurum seems like the sickest person anyway.

Animals always aggravated me so bad. Scorpio was really bad in terms of panic. But ambra grisea was the worst. Back then I was really in a bad state and trying to fix my face that seemed to be every day closer to destruction as the days went on. In this failing attempt where my face was going downhill to destruction I just did bad decisions/attempts at fixing it that just made it look worse and worse.

And I somehow got out of all this when my face was at the worst, so many imperfections created. PHEW!
[message edited by vitamin.X on Sat, 24 Sep 2011 06:30:54 BST]

I got a bad feeling that my last post made me look like i am boasting about my difficulties I had to go through. Boasting is so wrong and makes you look small, insignificant, noone worthwile. I hate it. I probably boasted, otherwise I wouldnt have the bad feelings

Honesty in me is important to me. I have to be clear about what my intentions/motives are. And cannot feel good when I on purpose mislead someone. How could one. It has to be for a really good reason then

Although we all know I am no angel. Don’t want to give that impression now either



Hmm seems like the guilt feelings wont go until I say that I am a really bad guy
[message edited by vitamin.X on Sat, 24 Sep 2011 07:11:02 BST]

I wonder when I will get my fastidiousness back and clean order my room, my car, shoes, everything like I used to again. That would be good

And I wonder how to describe what is wrong or what happened to my life after the memory clearing I did.

Before I did that thing I was in touch with life. There was nothing wrong, i just needed to get ove my social anxiety and all would be well


but since the memory clearing, something dramatically changed for the worse and I cannot say what it is, except that it feels really bad. I cannot identify with the life I had before it. Or care about things the same way I did before. Things dont matter in the same way anymore.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Sat, 24 Sep 2011 07:26:09 BST]

My social anxiety used to be really bad though before the memory clearing. Sometimes it would get to a point where I would come home after walking outside and look in the mirror and hit myself a few times, really strong hate for myself for being anxious and avoidant outside


But since the memory clearing I grew in mental strength maybe I would say and in general knowlegde about life, but the depression got to a whole another level. Before the memory clearing the depression was about me, about not being able to socialize etc it was really bad back than too, but now it is about my life and future. And this one is much heavier of course. Always in the background. Back than you could forget the depression by being inside the house and doing things.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Sat, 24 Sep 2011 07:36:18 BST]

One more thing... When I am at home and my father too I rarely watch TV or do any 'fun' things. When my mother is I do often. I feel guilt I guess. Even in the shower that I am to long inside when he is at home. Those thoughts come up. I guess I hate it when I get critizised so I want to avoid that, but how come I dont care if my mother critizes me. I am ok with that though. And wont avoid watching TV. I would just have nothing to defend myself I guess if I got told to stop watching TV and start looking for a job.

Maybe I am trying to avoid getting into this situation were I could get told I need to find a job if I watch TV or be lazy.

Probably a lycopodium type of symptom.

UPDATE:

Maybe there will come something from the scorpio remedy as the aggravations every day were quite something.

I had a bit of a moment earlier today were I felt like after the last platina aggravation... Moral, wanting to do right, guilt feelings, and a bit of peace, acceptance.

Walking past people was not possible today. After getting home and feeling a bit of tensions I felt the it cannot defeat me stuff again a bit

That is all for now
[message edited by vitamin.X on Sat, 24 Sep 2011 08:40:09 BST]

Does the rule of between 3-5 days aggravation at peak and past the 7 day improvements should come in hold true for 200C potencies aswell or is it different there? As it looks like I had aggravation from day 1 to day 3.


What is the difference between 200C and 1M? Is it that one can expect to get deeper bigger improvements when you go up in potencies?

The 200C really aggravated me to have panic and all that. I think maybe improvements might come.
Lets see if it will improve me more than platina did which to this date was the most effective remedy for me

I believe it is true that I have quite a force inside me, power, and so am optimistic now of seeing some improvements from how I feel right now


Edit:

I listened to some music cause I felt good. But than when I wanted to get into and feel it, get ecstatic like last time it came up again. That I am lonely and have noone. No girl. So I got out of it quickly, the great joy of listening to music. I feel it in my chest. And have my head hanging down a bit forward. Hard to keep it up, and some deep breathing. Also feel it in my throat and as always my head and eyes are affected too - get tense, stomach also.

At times I still have the question whether I am really great or no one great - a failure, one who is afraid
[message edited by vitamin.X on Sat, 24 Sep 2011 13:11:36 BST]

I have a good feeling about the scorpio remedy…
Since listening to the music I have gotten into a bad state as I mentioned in last post. It is making me feel like I used to before the BDD. This intense feelings of isolation, loneliness…or no not that. This intense feelings of wanting to break out of it, of wanting social contact. The pain I guess. And strangely enough my BDD seemed to have come back for a brief moment. I was having pictures of some body parts like my too small chin and to big nose, although I did not go in front of the mirror. I could feel like how this became important again so that I will not stay alone, fear that no one will want me. But it is ok again all. Except for the intense feeling of wanting to break out of something. It doesn’t feel really bad. Like I am caring some emotional pain or grief around or I don’t know if I am accurate. For example I listened to a rather emotional song and it stayed in my mind and the part of the song where it gets intense - the singer intensely expresses emotions and sings something about “why did you leave me alone…” This part plays over in my head all the time and feel like screaming this out with the same emotional intensity I feel to release whatever it is that is bothering me and making me feel this way. It is not really the lyrics, but the emotional intensity that kind of makes me identify with it. Maybe I am a bit overemotional or even hysterical but I don’t know. It feels like I am caring something around me. I guess that is why I sigh and yawn often also.

One could say I feel like wanting to break free of these chains. Or the prison I put myself in. But I cant. So there is this struggle. Wanting to but not able to… Socialize/lonely or get hurt/happy.

I said before I would hate the most being a bird from all the animals because being a bird = isolation.

I don’t know if I was accurate with description of my problem in this post but I think so.