Platinum Metallicum _{Page 8 of 14}

Maturity –, one can feel like a man, good

Responsibility- hmm anxiety, feels heavy, and cannot talk about it.. If I got it this would be heavy. Could not even baby sit someones baby as the responsibility would be too much in case something goes wrong. It would be unpardonable

Morale - either moral or immoral no grey area. I am immoral again. And it does not seem an issue

Hmm did not have much to say about this. So it probably does not mean anything to me. Except that I would not want to have responsibility.

This themes don’t mean much to me now unlike for the 2 days after the platina aggravation... I even deleted illegal software, movies did not want to have anything of it. Probably some sort of proving

About my voice again. I don’t know if this is normal or not. But like I said if the volume of my voice is up from normal and I shout a bit also I have loss of voice, hoarseness. It Is never absolute loss of voice. I can still talk, one can still hear me, but my voice sounds very different than and bad. Out of my head if I had to say but hard to say around 15 – 30min this happens. And it happens when I am in a state and feel good about myself, when I am confident. This never happenes while I feel unconfident or not enjoy socializing. Probably because in an unconfident state you don’t talk loud and with volume. It is the loud talking with shouting that makes me lose my voice.

About yesterday. I really don’t know what made me panic so bad. Was quite an experience. I need to explain that the small pathway by the lake. One I usually walk on, I could not walk on yesterday while aggravating (as I said in the above post where I explained in a chronological order of what happened yesterday). And the pathway is like that… I have to cross a small bridge with about just a meter height above water and then after the bridge is crossed you go downhill about 3 metres and then you turn the corner and there is the long pathway with the lake to the side of it. On the left and right to it are trees. The moment you cross the bridge and start walking downhill the 3 metres you are surrounded by trees on the left and right. And I got my panic while on the bridge while thinking about/looking at the corner and the narrow long pathway ahead. I could not for the life of me go into this space. Or in my mind I imagined I could not pass the corner and then look up the narrow pathway. Because if there were a person walking I would get such panic and not be able to cope. So I got my really anxious/panicky vision while on the bridge, immediately had to get my eyes away from looking straight at the corner and narrow path downhill and I realized it is a no go and then I turned around quickly and went onto the open big field with my dog. Where I had no issues.

So I don’t know whether this is an issue with space, and issue with being in a small space and the possibility of seeing people in there. I don’t know. At home while panicky I feared greatly that I could not be with my family in the same room to. So I was by the balcony as I said on my laptop in case it gets to much for me so I can get out. As I did not know how my body/mind will react if some family member comes down into the same room as me.

Please read my last above post ^^^ where I describe the narrow long pathway surrounded by trees to the left and right of it I could not walk on which I usually walk on, yesterday after taking the scorpio remedy. I do not know what my issues with this is and I hope it will reveal something. Whether it is issue with space, issue with being in narrow space with people? I don’t know.
If it sounds like arg- nit you have to give it to me. I am describing it as it is! And there is nothing to lose. But I am unsure whether it is an issue with just space or with being in a space with people . Hard to test out because when I am alone at home and panicky I am thinking about the fear of my family members coming home. There never is a way to test it out, because there always is something that could happen and it involves people. That someone could come.

I am somehow doubting now that this is arg nit.

In above posts where I talk about what would happen if my parents died or my family would not be with me here... It would be a similar type of thing if you would go away and never return to this forum. A great loss to me and life would be depressing. Who would I talk with

You think so? that all of a sudden I want to be arg nit? nothing exciting at all about this remedy, and no ego enhancment either.when I smoked marijuana the same exact experience as yesterday. I dont care if arg nit is about performance. My issues are with space when I am panicky and this is what I am going to talk about. Shopping malls scare me. People scare me. But outside I still can manage it. Being in closed spaces with them is difficult though.

I hope you are not going to make a mistake here.

I posted some emotional issues I have yesterday in the post about what would it be like if I lost my parents, family


I had some pretty exciting dreams which I will post soon.

The last dream was awesome. But before that I want to say that I woke up to early today again. So I had trouble falling back asleep again as always but then I tried some sort of meditation again and today it was much easier, not a struggle. I tried to get into the center of the tensions, all the bothersome things I feel . Because when you try to find the center, (the core of the tension) they disappear. So I did not resist much but welcomed the tensions which was easier today and I l went into the core of them. So this in turn made me fall asleep relatively easily. And I believe must have influenced my dreams. I had not dreams I can remember after waking up early in the morning. These are all dreams since falling asleep again after the meditation. I slept maybe 2 hours since falling asleep again.

So I will not post the usual, nothing out of the ordinary dreams I had tonight. Ok just mention them briefly as it might be misleading if I just posted the exciting dreams and not give the correct picture:

Being in school with girls, outside the school a few dogs came up and played and one urinated on the other dog once also which had me feeling like yuk. Yea than I had another dream were dogs where in it again. I was looking at a German shepherd how he was passing stool far away down somewhere on a beach while I was sitting somewhere up high, and a dog I once had but died in car accident many years ago was with me. And a woman came up to my high place a bit close to me once with her own dog and I thought that was a bit weird but then I saw to the left of me is her purse so maybe I was in her space and I wanted to get away to not have her maybe get to close to me and she having to lean to the side to get her purse, which would be really close. I felt uncomfortable I guess. It was an older woman.

I was with at home with my older brother, father, mother at a table. My older brother and father do not talk anymore as they had a conflict in the past and so brother moved out. So I hoped they will resolve their issues and talk again to each other. But then my brother said that he cannot talk that he gets sad the moment he thinks of talking to him and it seemed like he had tears in his eyes. And my father was looking at him and I feared he will get aggressively angry again because my brother said what he said.. that he cannot talk to him because he gets sad and feels bad.

I was driving in my car my brother in a much known place. But then when I turned to the left of a known street. I was lost as to where I was. There was now big reconstruction and the street led nowhere other than to the construction site where people were building something. So I turned around and drove somewhere else.

I was walking across a beach down by the sea and above on the sand were 2 guys sitting and I felt uncomfortable. I had crossed the beach many times before on the same day with the guys seeing me but this time I had a plate in my hand and I was eating and then after eating the next food to eat became visible which were 2 female underwears on the plate to eat. And the guys sitting on the top of the beach said of the dish I had like “oh how nice, or delicious” and I just smiled without looking at them and the guys said something to each other about me than. About how I always just smile and don’t say anything. (This is a common thing with me and what I fear people think). So in the dream than when I was a bit away from the 2 guys I looked back but was fearful that they might think now that I only dare looking at them from a distance so they might think I am afraid. Than further the beach it felt like I came to a VIP beach. That had a cave and girls in it. So we were swimming inside and I once grabbed one and hugged her from behind.

THE MORE EXCITING DREAMS

There was a basketball game, NBA playoffs. I don’t know whether I was the guy playing, but I saw the dream from first perspective as if I am shooting the baskets and I had the feeling of being in the “zone”. So I scored baskets. I didn’t even look at the basket after shooting the ball because I knew it went in. No need to look lol. I was in the “zone”. At one with the ball and the basket. And I heard how reporters on the TV said that now in the closing minutes of the game I took over, and made it be seen that it is the NBA playoffs, important games. Like as if I let everyone know this are important games. Or that it was time to bring out my best. (it was awesome feeling the feeling of being in the zone again)


Now to the EXCITING dream.

I was outside a bar at night. The dreams felt so real, like I could totally mistake them for reality. I was outside a bar sitting at a table, while some guys walked into the bar and talked as if they all knew each other in the bar. I hoped they would not see me alone outside sitting. But then all of a sudden all the people in the bar were outside sitting at tables next to me. it felt a bit uncomfortable being alone while all the other guys knew each other. But I was confident I think. Then 3 guys on the right side started talking about me, how I am alone there. And I was just looking at them without moving, being perfectly fine with looking at someone unlike how it is in real life. Then I heard more stuff about me and we all looked at each other. And I called the one guy over with my hand in a cool way. To come here to me. But then I feared that I look sick by just looking at them and making the gesture with my hand for the guy to come over. It was my frozen or rather tense and maybe staring that made me fear I might look sick now. But I wasn’t staring, feeling confident and fine. So then I was somewhere at the back away from the tables with this one guy as if we are ready to fight. The place where we were at was on a height now, up high. And the guy I was at the back with took out knifes, than once he had some screw driver, all kinds of different weapons. And then I just grabbed him by the legs and threw him over and down the height. And I went back to the guys at the table and asked them if someone else wants to fight or just show me his tools/weapons? (lol I like how confident I was. This could be perfectly me if I wouldn’t have some weird issues I don’t know why I have. I don’t know why I have to be afraid around people. ) I am afraid of being arrogant maybe? Comes to mind now

So what happened next is I had a tool, like a big hammer, but it was not a hammer, it looked like some pre-historian weapon from the old times that you would use like a hammer to hit people. So than I was in a castle somewhere up high, big building. This continued directly out of the “bar fight dream” as if the outside, high in the air, bar terrace, where I was sitting at a table just moments ago, changed on the right side of it into the inner halls of a castle. So there was a guy on the ground in the castle hall that looked just like the guy I threw down from the height. And I hit him while he was lieing on the ground as if dead already, he was lieing there on his tummy as if he fall from a height and I was thinking about whether I am causing suffering to people, to this man, by hitting him with my weapon but I couldn’t feel anything. Then I walked down some big stairs and saw two much bigger and taller than me knights fighting with swords – having a battle. And I was in the zone again. Time, movement slowed down. I was so ready and looking forward to the fight and hit the knight with my weapon. One knight just got defeated by the other knight before I hit the knight who was still left standing. The only one left. So I hit him with my weapon on the chest and he was falling down slowly since time was slowed down. And my moves were graceful, religious music was playing. I had a thought in the dream whether this is palladium? From defeating everyone and I guess from feeling similar to how I felt on the palladium aggravation. If you remember I once posted how after working out by lifting weights I got out of the room and walked down our hallway while music was playing and it made me fear I am losing it as I felt special, or like someone GREAT. So this must have been the relevance I am assuming.

What happened than in the dream is this… The big knight on the ground I hit again with my weapon and it changed into a nice metal picture hanging on the wall of the castle. Not a picture really. It was like music artists have on their walls at home their achievements etc, like golden, platinum CD’s in a frame if any of their albums went gold or platinum by selling more than a million albums. So his silver body suit was in a frame on the castle wall and then bright shining yellow glimmer started appearing from the bottom of the “picture” and transformed it into gold all the way up. The metal picture of the knight which had a silver look turned into shining beautiful gold. And then it Is like I have gotten elevated and pleasantly put out of the dream and woke up feeling really really good.

Awsome dream. The feeling when I saw the 2 big knights, no hesitation and just could not wait to fight them. If I could be just like that in real life. Not feel anxiety I would feel good I guess

And the nice shining gold on the wall looked BEAUTIFUL too.


I see themes of the 6th row and platina and aurum. Platina makes sense and one could or could not say that this is because I took it a few weeks ago and maybe still proving. But the gold reference not since I never took aurum.

But I doubt one can prove a remedy and also get benefits from it at the same time. BDD still is not an issue
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 01:36:47 BST]

I am feeling ecstatic and feel like pounding my own chest lol from the last dream.


EDIT: Oh I forgot to mention, how times have changed it seems. Last time when I was called hysterical I felt really offended by it and went out on my own. But this time no reaction, totally overlooked it as there was no reaction in my body or mind.

This is what I meant with platina changing for me, but I dont know whether it is simillimum. I would have to take another dose, but dont really want to as I am not convinced. No worries I am not identified with it at all, and do not press onto getting it. I want to explore other options first. Platina only comes into question if my BDD would get really bad again.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 01:44:59 BST]

I am depressed. I doubt those dreams are 'mine'.

And I would like an answer as to why while I had the second platina dose and aggravation I was thinking so much about death, at peace with it, seeing it as a way out of all this and a new beginning maybe. Sure thoughts later came up to me this might be aurum as I know the materia medica a bit. And on the day when I had aggravation my brothers young friends were down stairs and I felts so worthless that I could not show myself


An answer to this would be appreciated. I hope you are not going to dismiss every remedy I talk about because this way I know I wont get cured. It is ok if you really think hard before considering them, look at them suspiciously but to just dismiss them seems a bit wrong.

Also why did I feel so mature and moral and drastically changed for the next 2 days. But only lasted for 2 days before I got back to my immature bad state

This happened on no other remedy.

Something needs to be fixed, because I am for some days just posting and posting. Geting restless about it all and nothing seems to be happening. I want to work lol do something. But what can I do apart from homeopathy? If I dont get fixed all else is hopeless and not going to turn out good anyway. Doomed for failure.

I am really restless and want something to start happening.


I apologise for all this though. Last thing I want is to loose you. I cannot imagine what I would do than. Have noone to talk and share my problems with. never had anyone I could share with. But there is force in me and I want to do something. Going out doesnt feel good. Nothing feels good. I just want to do homeopathy and get cured. I cannot clean my room, I cannot do anything until I am cured. No desire, and feel like throwing things against the wall. But no worries I never do it. As this would just scare me

And this is not an aggravation. Again since the platina my stomach feels really good. And I have felt this way many times before. This is rather good that I express things I usually would not express
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 02:26:53 BST]

I am going to calm down and dont want to become un-managable. But I think why should I try to be managable and try to hold back? This could be important things I feel I must reveal and not try to just be nice to not get rejected, left on my own.


Sorry again

A few more things.

Number 1. Yes I feel destructive today. But I just feel that I am destructive, not intense at all as I still cannot get really worked up about anything since platina. and hopeless a bit too. So I would not call it an aggravation. It was yesterday

Number 2. yesterday night when I got to bed I had visions of an assasin coming to bed and stabbing me. The pictures were vivid but no real reaction though. Like when covered myself in the blanket I saw that when I will put it down an assasing will be on the bed and stabbing me. I did not bring this up as I thought it is just some platina proving probably. The assasin looked like a medieval assasing from the old times

Number 3. Yesterday I dreamed about being on a rescue mission on an island. I shot some people in the head etc. Also a witch was present. But again I did not want to mention this as I doubt this dreams are 'mine', as I was sure it must be the platina proving or something


I am in a state where I feel like posting a 100 posts just to get something going. Like this machine I had in mind the last few days when I talked about big and small.

But I will try to get away from all this now as it is just making me feel horrible. I have no desire to go out though. I dont know why I should? It will be just like another day, where I go out, walk my dog, go back, no feelings, no desire, just nothing.

To hell with it all! lol sorry. Do not worry about me. I dont want to make anyone worry. All is fine.

I shall past this again. as i believe it might be important.


My parents just had a bit of a fight and this always leaves me feeling bad. What would I be without my parents? How would I live if they died. Very very difficult. My family you know they know me. I know them. I have an emotional connection with them. Not so much with my father but he still knows who I am, we have lived together for many years. If my parents died and my brothers would go away with whom would I have this emotional connection or have people where I can be myself around?? With people of this country I live in, all the talk is just superficial, no connection, I cannot connect with anyone and get the sense that I opened up and let my walls down, or guard down and let them touch,( argh I feel like crying and cannot even write this word down, let alone ever speak it out loud, or say this sentence ever to a person face to face or even on the phone) The word is heart! With my dog, I can let my defences down too. I don’t need to worry how I am appearing to her. She would be the only one I could connect with if my family where not here anymore. I will never walk down the street with an open heart.


I must say since Platina I felt a lot more comfortable sharing emotional stuff with my younger brother. It was much better. Before I would not even ever think I could say some things I talked about with my younger brother and feel ok with it. Since platina I also feel closer to people. Ok with having more physical contact too. And it seemed for the first time possible to me that I might have a girlfriend in the future and have my parents know about it

Now let us get back to work and think. Give a 150%

EDIT: Oh and I don’t think I have an issue with space. I do have claustrophobia if it is really narrow and I cannot get out. But if space isn’t really narrow I don’t. Our living room isn’t small at all, but I could not be with a person in it or so I thought until I noticed I am fine and can manage it when my brother came home. When I noticed I wont get horrible panic/anxiety and will be able to be ok and talk


EDIT 2: The sun is shining outside and it is a blue sky. I really like it in winter or when it isnt hot. Best possible weather. But when there is heat it feels so horrible. The isolating heat coming down. All looks so horrible and isolating and the heat totally aggravates me. I hate the summer heat. And the strange state of mind it brings to me.

I feel heavy and have difficulty breathing already without the added heat problem. Breathing much more difficult than and everything feels like it is to close pushing against me. Making it difficult to breath. I just want everything to get away from me
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 03:32:53 BST]

Dear david I calmed down after living the house and it wasn’t that bad. Can we leave my ego problem behind. Lets just keep in the back of our minds that I would like to be big and that I am like a warrior, but only in my head. No one will ever see this side of me because I am not good enough. Everyone is better than me… you, Nawaz because you all have a desire for life.

So let us focus on my emotional problems. Like the post above where I talk about it. Today for example I yelled at my mother when she called my name before going to work because I expected that she will nag me again about needing to do something for her and since she had a bit of a fight with my father yesterday I felt sorry and wanted to apologize but I could not. It has nothing to do with the ego, but when you apologize there is the process when you grow closer, emotional vulnerability.. Would that be the correct word? I cannot say sorry for that reason. I cannot do it. Like I said before above yesterday I cannot have this emotional closeness with people and my father. It Doesn’t feel good. I cannot have a girlfriend and let my parents know about, but with that also comes embarrassment and fear of getting teased. My parents are childish in this regard and like to tease I guess. And smile when my younger brother gets red in the face. I don’t like that about them. But this is as easy as adding 1 + 1 = 2. They tease because they have been teased about it either themselves or have issues in this regard. And yes my parents never show any love between themselves. They live together as if they are friends, not husband and wife. Has been that way all my life. I saw my parents kiss maybe 2 or 3 times ever.

Love is an embarrassing and vulnerable thing. But it feels good when you get it from anyone except my family.

I have anxiety a bit around my father. The same issue of having him close or a face to face conversation as with strangers. Anxiety. Sitting with him face to face at a table and talking is not possible. I will want to get away. I will not be able to move get tense. Horrible. My conversations with him also feel superficial. I cannot really greet him when he comes home. Always a bit of uncomfortablness. Well I never greet him I just say something. I could not greet him because that would be to close I guess.

Please let us focus on this. I believe if I can be ok and without anxiety around my father than I can also around strangers.

Thanks

Helping people does not seem to be my strength. I always embarrass myself in the process and I think I use it just as an attempt to show off. How embarrassing. although not sure

which remedies are hysterical, easily influenced? I hope not many.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 05:52:49 BST]

I was totally anxious about what I am doing in the 'supressed anger' threat by girl2010 started today. I guess it shows my lack of confidence... No confidence around peoople! I expected everyone to tell me how wrong I am, wrong about what I am doing, totally unapropriate and embarass myself and get rejected. Huge anxiety. It is not about that what I said is wrong it is everything else that might have been wrong. EMBARASSING. I feared I might end up lookin like an idiot

I even thought I am being mean to girl2010 and just trying to protect myself but than I edited my post

ah i dont know anymore. Maybe i should take a step back myself and meditate a bit

It felt good what daktersaab had to say though and feel thankful. I expected the worst

Maybe sulphur could be of use. I say this because embarrassment is such big problem. I feel embarrassed quick. No worries I haven’t read sulphur and will not but out of my mind what I know about it which stuck because it fits me are those type of things…

Ailments embarrassment
Everything tastes to salty – yes no salt ever, always complain
Theorizing – of course true
Never eat from plate if someone touched it but I touch food or other peoples plates and do not understand why they don’t want to eat or complain since my hands are always clean… but I have the insight of how it could really be bad what I do, but I still do it.. It would be nice if I could stop some behaviour that I know are bad and not continue doing the bad things, I guess it is to protect myself

--------

Anyway my main issues are this:

Emotional problems with getting close, being open

Anxiety, uncertainty (lack of confidence?)

Utter worthlessness when around people

Embarrassment, (humiliation)
Ego problems



Yesterdays reaction was not hysterical but genuine.

Oh david. Thanks. I am really sorry for all this. I dont want to be a problem. At the moment I feel like I am annoying everyone and no one wants me. But I cannot feel the bad feeling strongly. Not strong how I usually would, a month ago

All sounds good.

This tough exterior is not me really. I mean it is. But I cannot be that way around people. I become pleasant. I just cannot be another way. I can only be friendly. Noone could think I could hurt a fly. Am like an angel. I think nikkie on here thought how innocent I am too. I dont know why I am like that. It is the weakness from wanting social contact. I might be haughty on the inside but on the outside I could not do or say bad things to anyone outside my family unless I get hurt of course, over the internet that is lol. Otherwise I just feel horrible and bad about myself mostly


With my father I have the problem though when he tells me something to do I cannot say no despite it being against my will. I fear if I will say something he will get all abusive, no it is he will make me feel guilty, he is good at it. And what he says just sticks, affects me. Despite not wanting to take it seriously and know rationaly that he is just that type of person. And also in the past when I was younger he would get aggressive when I was angry or displeased. What can you do against that?
Towards the end when I was 17, 18 there when we had an argument there was no backing down anymore and I just let it all out. No holding back and my hands trembling from the anxiety and anger always. It was intense and no one wanted to back down always

Now we dont ever have arguments. It is like he respects me and I respect him in a sort of way. A sort of hidden agreement
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 11:29:14 BST]

I cannot really assert myself and tell people that I am displeased about something except my mother and brothers. There was only once when I asserted myself in a post office at an older lady. and I felt really good about myself. My anxiety is less around older people.

So this would be good if I could do. Tell my father no without fearing what will happen, and not feeling guilty, and telling people no when I am displeased about something

The tough exterior is for when I am alone on my own no friends etc I am like that than. But contact with people makes me nice and friendly instantly.

And I have problems with being emotionaly open. have my defenses/walls down in fear I might get hurt
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 11:32:53 BST]

I am excited to present you my comments. I believe a clear picture must form. I talked with more certainty. It was much easier to describe something, or comment about myself once I have points about me listed and can correct them.

So please have a look. I believe this is very good.


MY comments

Two sides
Attractive
Looked at as if I am nothing by others
Compare myself to others

**yes when I feel I am lacking or have less than them, but on the other hand I know I am unique, or noone can be like me when I feel good**

Males are just boasters who try to make themselves look big


High and Low, good to be high, bad to be low

**good to be high yes but cannot have friends that way. People will hate you or be against you.... my people pleaser mentality I guess. I mean who would be ok and accept you or like you and not hate you etc if you are high, they would want your spot or try to bring you down?

I mean you can be high, but not the highest. You can have 'high' friends and be 'high' but not have high friends and be the 'highest'**

Masculine/Feminine
Show myself as higher than someone else

**It is rather dont show yourself as low as this way I will be off putting, showing myself high is not good either as I can be called arrogant and rejected, how can people like you this way?, it goes back to the above comment about 'good to be high'. To clarify I am at times haughty, but not openly and will distance myself from 'low' people. But on here for example I could not try to present myself arrogant or better than you because there would be danger that you will go away from me. Why would I want that? since I hate being alone, have no friends - hate that**

People will turn against me and bring me down
Fight everyone
Challenge, win the fight
Alone and attacked by people
People trying to break me
People trying to get at me in my weakest moment

**Yea weakest moment when I am alone, because I am dependednt on them I guess, I cannot go against the group. I am not someone who likes to be alone on his own but of course prefer it now rather than be around people whilst I have anxiety issues. So I have the option to not offend anyone and get the social interaction/acceptance or be on my own and defend myself, get away from hurtful/rejecting people. I hate it when people critizise me while I am alone, have no one on my side or no support. So difficult to defend yourself because no support. I am alone and doubt myself, not confident. I am confident when I have people on my side, they agree with me, have their approval and I can turn egotistic also quick. Well worst is if a group of people like the ones I smoked marijuana with is against me. Doubt, anxieties, confusion, fear just horrible**

I must not be defeated
Looking greater than I am, less great than I am
Must not let myself be defeated by anything

**This is my mentality I guess when I am alone to be seen, I need to be great, big, special and it feels like people are doing things to me when I am alone, trying to bring me down since I had a big or high opinion of myself. I must not be defeated and go down the ladder, become the low life, not loose it.**

People want to bring you down when you are great

**yes as I said, you either chose social contact, a social good life with many friends, fun with people, or the ego and be big and great, it is a fight and you cannot expect to have many friends this way, you got to be tough, unemotional, not weak this way, you cannot expect people to like you and give you the crown or whatever, no one likes giving someone a crown, only by defeating everyone who is a possible contender. But I dont want a crown. I just dont want to care about people. What they think. Have the tough look to not feel bad about myself. It is protection I believe.**

Totally left out, isolated

** I feel isolated, hate being without social contact, it is no life, time slows down again when I have friends make contacts - safety.
danger, people are moving forward but I am not, I am falling behind and loosing my high position if I had one, Or another way to say it if I was good with social skills etc the more years you stay on your own the more you will lack, be less than other people. So danger. It will take longer to catch up and be on a good level again where I am like other people and can breath again, let a deep breath out and feel safe, but I am unique, special of course, no one like me, that is when I get the basics again after being away from society for so long **


Looked down upon

**hmm yea I guess but people dont really look down upon me, they are rather suprised or think good of me it is me who looks down upon myself, I am my worst enemy**

Inside you are very small, I feel very small

**not small rather weak, emotional weak, I cannot chose between 2 different homeopaths prescriptions for example, it hurts me to hurt someone by rejecting him, so the compensation is to shut your emotions off and be like an ice cold killer, but I am not that, the moment I get around people I am nice, except when I am alone as I am now for the past few years to not get hurt I guess by other peoples rejections, hurts. You cannot be friendly, nice walking down the street, but when someone approaches me they are usually nice and I am really nice in return. So in this world you have to be tough and cold otherwise to much pain, but I cannot be tough and cold, I am just like that over the internet at times or when I walk down the street while alone, it is just in my mind to cope etc like the other things I mentioned above**

Behind their backs
Worthless

**yes worthless, have no worth since I am not doing anything, everyone expects me to do something, have education etc since how could someone think good of me,no wrong it is not that, it is the fear that they might think bad, they do think good of me but not having education or do anything could make people think bad, reject me, etc.How could I feel in a group of people where everyone is doing something good? They might want to reject me. but on the other hand the special feeling, since I am different, emotional,lively, dont look bad it makes up for that and noone really can think bad of me and must know that I am not lacking in anything or lazy or whatever, since they see how great I am just like them not a low life. They know that there must be a reason like medical issue - anxiety, but nothing else, no other reason**

I am supposed to have females, females are supposed to come up to me

**yes because I am nice, charming, good looks, lively, expressive, made females feel good, this was my experience in the past... Females just want me. I have been called cute often in the past. And of course if this would go away I would feel horrible. So I say this out of anger when I dont feel like I am getting the attention, special treatment, looks from girls, compliments etc. **

Swing between two sides

**yea the low social me or the high non social alone me who needs to protect himself, when I am low there is also danger that I am to low, since low behavior is unnatractive and the chance now that someone will reject me, that I will put them off and they will not want me anymore etc. So often there is the conflict I guess whether to be the social me or the high protecting myself want to be great dont need anyone. But still I want people, socializing and believe this is just to protect myself**

Everyone picks on me
Vulnerability, I might get attacked
Fight to the death, fight with spears, life and death
Need to protect myself
People come to help those I fight, so I have to fight the group on my own

**yea often in my family it felt like everyone sided with my brother or like I am always on my own and they are together. I wished once in an argument or fight my mother could side with me but apperantly I was always in the wrong. This makes me uncertain of course when I argue on my own against people who are sticking together. I mean there comes doubt about whether I am wrong and bad and cannot accept it and feel the need to defend myself. I dont ever feel good defending myself when I am alone. It is ok if I had friends in school at least and had to argue alone on my own, but when I have no friends, and at home argument I feel horrible.

But outside of my family this experience of other people being together and me alone did not really happen, people generally liked me in school always, ah well when I smoked marijuana with those older guys it felt like they were all against me too. And this is horrible, how can I feel good, how can I defend myself, how? what is the purpose? I will still be alone I can only hope for them to stop and like me again**

Cover up, hide, exposed, appear, watched, they will see me
Trouble being exposed if I am on my own
Idiot, ridiculed, humilated

I feel lower than other people, and I get the ego to protect myself
I look down on people

**I do but never openly**

I am ugly on the inside

**Yea rather ugly from the contempt I have for other people, and how I make fun of people, judgemental etc. But I dont feel good when I do this and always aware of what I am doing and should stop. I try to not be critical openly, I try to appear in a good way also, I guess this will make me have people around me**

Run away, hide

**I dont like hiding, run away, have problems with my ego then**

I am this big guy, fighting sharks
**In my dreams only, I wished I were this guy in real life, but it would not be me really. I am the social guy. What I mean by that. I have the 2 sides either the tough big guy which is just in my mind or when I am alone anyway and on the other hand I am the social guy, and when I am the social guy I am lively, emotional, expressive, animated, character all those things that I expect make people want me or draw to me. So being the big guy who fights sharks doesnt fit here.

Or when I am posting on here I often post because I feel I need to do something to draw people to me**

I am a blind mouse, people are above me looking down

**well it is rather I am the mouse in the middle who does not know what he is doing, whether it is good, uncertain and people around me in a circle looking at me, not down at me. And than they see that I did something uncertain etc and than they look away, or dismiss me and the worst thing is they dont tell me, they dont let me know I did something wrong, to know it. The silence is horrible and it makes me uncertain whether I did something wrong or not, I want to know it, I want someone to allways tell me how I did, so I can know. I cannot take it when they dont tell me and I dont know what they are thinking, whether they think good or bad of me. But I of course do not ever want anyone to tell me that my voice sounded strange when I talked, that I was shy, looked ashamed, stared, uncertain, red in my face, looked embarassed... nothing of that nature. Otherwise great depression**


The small me and the big me alternating


Nothing bigger than me, I am bigger than you

**when I am egotistic and haught yea,I guess to protect myself, but if you got nice I would completely change in an instant, the ego would go I am sure and I would feel sorry if I said something hurtful or offending**

Killer impulses when I am in the big state

**Yea but I could not do anything to a human, I felt always bad and sometimes cried for having a bit of a fight which was just pushing anyway with my brother, dont like to hurt people, and I could not hit someone, I would feel sorry, I never punched anyone in my life, but I do feel the emotional- distance and just walk around with the feeling of wanting to stab etc. This makes me feel good and safe I guess. Or that people are doing this to me, since I read a book of sankaran that sensation is also action if I remember correct?**

Unstoppable machine, cannot be defeated, last one standing

Destroy myself in the process to defeat the opponent

**Yea I could really push myself and have in the past and the approval from people seeing it I guess felt really good**

Biggest force
Non-existance
Nothingness
Force that nothing can stop
Always defeats what is in its path
No place for you on earth
I must defeat everyone
Disappear from the face of the earth

I am a warrior
Stabbing people, Stab all who oppose me
You get stabbed and I don't care
Walk around in fight mode
You get stabbed, a statement to other people
Stabbing with my last strength
High as if on a drug
Standing and not letting anyone get me
Submit or get taken out
Stop whatever you did or you will regret it
Become invisible
No feelings, I could do bad things

**hmm reading this above brought on this feeling and state of being cold and not wanting to care. Feels good**

Invaded by large numbers
I am the last one fighting
Threat of constant attack in my home
Tough protection to not get hurt inside
Inside I am soft and I break
I look tough, then I get soft
Tough cold exterior

I cannot move, movement has been restricted
Freeze up

**yea unmovable would be correct. I hate sitting at a table and having to talk face to face. I get unmovable, tense. I know how this must look weird so this makes me even more anxious the moment I notice I am becoming tense, unmovable and I want to move, I want to get up and move but I cannot from the anxiety that is making me unmovable. I can look down, touch my face, look away but this need to be constant and I am self conscious about doing this constant since people will notice and it will look strange. Reveal that I am afraid... and than I can get told bad things about me I dont like to hear as I described above, that I look embarassed, red, or nervous. THis I cannot stand.

When playin video games it is the same, When I go into a fast food shop, I mean I never go, I could not look up at the menu while the guy is looking at me and waiting for me to take my order. I get the anxiety, become unmovable and than I fear that I look so strange and will get the what is wrong with me look from the guy, the rejection. How can I feel good if I talk to someone who looks totally uncomfortable because of me, because I am anxious**

emotional vulnerability

**yea for example today I could not say sorry to my mother when I wanted to because this would bring me closer with her, right? It brings me in this spot where I apologise and am vulnerable were I show a liking for her or that I care about her and her emotions. Vulnerable spot.

I have the same trouble with my father, exact problem as with strangers. I cannot have face to face conversation sitting with him. I have to touch my face, look away etc otherwise I tense up and get frozen, anxiety builds up. Well I get all that anyway but if I dont touch, look away, scratch my eyes etc it gets all stronger. I dont have an emotional connection with my father, it is all closed superficial talk always and the reason why I am anxious around him I believe. When I will openly be able to talk with my father I will be able to with strangers on the street I believe.

With my mother anxiety is also here at times face to face conversation at a table but much better, not this horrible tense freezing or unable to move sensations**
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 14:15:23 BST]

With a good looking girls now a days who looks to be better than me I feel like I should have her attention or be able to get her, but once I would get it I feel like I look on the outside like this great guy but on the inside maybe small or inferior, and doubt fear I am not going to be able to keep be this certain way. That I will loose the girl and be dismissed, rejected loose her interest because I am out of her league. Ego has big problmes with this. Accepting this. That things have come this far where it is so bad that girls are out of my league and get rejected for not being good enough or whatever. this is Really bad

I have a fear of failure also for sure.

On dating sites I feel like noone wants me often, horrible. Outside around people I feel like everyone wants me in my town- or in the past. But if I go into the city that is horrible horrible too. Like when I walk down the busy streets I feel like noone wants me or paying me attention as I am used to.
[message edited by vitamin.X on Fri, 23 Sep 2011 13:58:56 BST]