Could any Dr. help me with fears of flying/heights? _{Page 6 of 33}

forgot to add...plane dreams have been returning. they had gone away for a while but the last two nights ive had dreams of planes, either crashing or just seeing planes in dream. also recurring dreams of bridges with gaps in them, some shopping, road trips/getting lost. boats and water. period is over with very dark brown spotting on day 5. scanty period.

sorry. one more thing i remembered. i have actually been able to go to sleep w/o any tv or lights on. one night i slept for 9 hours in complete darkness, waking up many times w/o being afraid. but most nights i just keep a dim light on...tv kept on and bright lights have much diminished.

ok. ill do my best. thanks

Hi Sameer
Its been a week since i took the remedy. Im guessing you will advise to continue to wait, just reporting because a few things have been going on.

The allergy intensity has lessened. still, a very congested sinus area, seems to be all the way up in the frontal sinuses. the eyes are still itchy. aggravated by smoke. itching makes it all worse.

Ive been finding communication really difficult. mostly with my boyfriend. hes been patient with the mood swings related to my suppressed cycle. i still dont want him to leave me alone i just dont know what to say to him when he wants to hang out with me. its like i want to hang out but i want it to be on my terms but then i want him to take control of the situation so i dont have to decide. today it seemed to really be getting to him and i don't want to negatively affect anyone so i just told him to leave me alone until i feel better. i took a 3 hour nap afterwards and now i am inwardly sad. i am very confused. i dont know what i want, or what to ask of my boyfriend. its like no matter how good things are i can always find something thats 'not quite right'

My muscle tension is very bad also. I am overall very uncomfortable in my body and emotions. i would like it if my bf would just know i want to be held and reassured that things will be ok. he thinks i should ask for that but i dont know how or dont feel like i should have to ask. and when i do ask its not up to my expectations of what consolation should feel like. i do not have the energy to go find it from someone else. i want to yell at him sometimes but i know i think its me, or my problem, and i think he deserves to not have to deal with me like this. it makes me feel a little hopeless in the relationship field because even if its a good relationship i eventually get unsettled for unknown reasons. its a pattern and i dont want to shut him out because of my problems but i don't know how else to be.

thanks,
Jenny

also, having cravings and desires to overeat, especially when sad. when i was reading about staph i noticed its relation to nat mur. from what i understood, staph is more anger related and nat mur is more of an emotional sadness that gets suppressed. not sure if thats right, my comprehension lately has been a little off in things. i wonder if i had always suppressed the emotional sadness ive felt and then as i got into my younger teen years i exploded and developed anger because of how long i was unable to communicate my feelings. and after expressing anger didnt solve anything i just kept things to myself because i figured whats the use in trying to communicate, no one understand what im trying to say. just making note of some thoughts i had.

hi sameer,
don't know if you caught the previous posts. hasn't been much change. the physical discomfort remains more intense than usual. its starting to really get me down. my bf and me are mutually on a break. that isn't bothering me too much because it seemed we spent too much time trying to figure out why he was making me so angry. not sure what was making me so irritable, it was partially related to him but im not sure how because he wasnt doing anything wrong or mean. he was trying to be supportive.
very tired, got headache after chocolate or half n half that i had in a coffee substitute drink. fruit drink gave me heartburn and headache. mentally not very good, physically not very good. attitude alternates between snapping at people and being open and helpful. the positive swings have been more short lived. negative swings occurring more often. harder and harder for me to see positive in situation. i notice the negatives first. overall very confused, normal around people, can even keep a sense of humor about my 'bi polarness' when i speak to close friends, i cry in private. trying to keep pain to myself. not sure what else to mention. thanks sameer.
jenny

ok, thank you

Just posting a change today. No rush or anything on a reply, i will continue to wait for as long as you need, I appreciate you sticking with my case.

Today was different. i still have the pains physically. but it seemed i was able to remain alert/observant of my feelings and actions. i am less hard on myself today, forgiving, letting go of whatever control i thought i should have in life. able to go with the flow a bit better even upon awakening. i received good news in the morning that gave me a boost of hope that all my hard work will pay off. but i also didnt allow it to be an 'up' swing, only to crash later. i recognized the good news for what it was based on facts, and used it to help motivate me to continue to do the best i can, and appreciate all that i do have, but..to not worry. mentally, better today. physically, still pretty tense in the muscles. but instead of fighting the pain and trying to make it go away, i almost feel i should embrace it and experience it even though its not pleasant, and of course try to stay as objective as possible. so that is what i'm trying to be consistent in doing.

it has been 10 full days since staph dose. thought it seemed longer but this is the correct amount of time, looking back on my notes.

thank you again, will wait and look for your reply, whenever you get time.

jenny

not a long post. dont want to forget to record it for friday.

today i had another anger outburst. it came on quick at work. i just plain didnt wanna be there or deal with customers. irritable and fatigued. instead of sticking it out at work i left to cool off and when i got home someone had the music blaring and i got worked up over that because i just wanted to lay down for a nap. i even threw my keys at the wall and screamed (by myself), went to go leave in my car but didnt know where to go so i sat in my car and cried and screamed to myself. i didnt even care that it was daylight and neighbors might see me and think im nuts. i decided to come back inside, turn the music down, steal the remote, and i went downstairs and fell asleep. when i woke up i went back to work feeling much better. when i feel good i am sweet to people, helpful, talkative and friendly. now its as if i forgot i even had an outburst.

will report on friday if nothing drastic happens before then. thank you...

Jenny

Hi sameer.
no change from last post. been a bit wound up because ive been busy with some transitions. i have one class, work, was looking for an internship, and now it sounds as tho i will be definitely moving to NYC by january. maybe a tad irritable underneath the surface but ive been managing it well. physically still not very good. tight, hard to unwind. not sure if some emotional things might be a little difficult for me to deal with so i focus on other things. i am trying to be as rational and honest with myself as possible regarding feelings.

let me know what you think?
thanks, jenny

Hard to say. Overall its been such a rough 2 weeks i was hoping this was a good thing. Many ups and downs.

Positive things:

Ive been able to stay busy and accomplish things in spite of physical pain. Its been a bit empowering to see i can still accomplish things when i feel like this. Ive also been able to focus on moving forward rather than dwell on things i can't fix (mostly regarding bf situation). tho sometimes this is hard. Sometimes i feel like i want to move forward and build a more secure/stable financial support system for myself, which is not a bad thing...but at times i have the impression i have to 'leave behind' things very important to me. Relationships are very important, more so than a career. i think i would be completely happy being married and having kids and working from home. but then at other times the idea freaks me out because i get so unsettled for no apparent reason at all. Its almost as if i think there must always be something wrong, and there is always something that needs fixing. if theres nothing to fix, i think, and i sure enough find something out of nothing.

Negative things: Irritable. A couple anger outbursts (but this may be positive?) Hayfever still persists, back and neck pains and muscle tension still persist. i get worked on 2 times weekly almost...and both massage therapists say the knots in my muscles are loosening up but it doesnt feel that way, the more i get worked on i loosen up temporarily but then its right back to being tense and stiff. ive had these 'ropes' in my back all along my spine for a number of years, in fact that is where all the pain started when i was 17. the muscles are the long ones that connect top and bottom together. burning in them, very hard pressure relieves it. can't take pressure on places like stomach, legs and arms though. stiff most often in the morning. I try to even 'talk' to my knots and pains and accept them and invite them to leave in a gentle non-forcing way. not sure if that helps much. but i do notice often i tend to operate by force. I want the knots and acne gone so at times i pick at my face and dig at the knots and it usually makes it worse but in my head im making it better. When i take the time and tell myself i must let things run their course and be patient and open...i can be and am. but it doesnt seem to be too long before old patterns of control and force and anger or sadness set it.

i should add, in public i dont appear this disturbed. when i report its mostly on how i feel internally and close people recognize my pain when i can't keep it to myself any longer. how i act in public is polite, usually outgoing, friendly, and i have a sense of humor that most people find hilarious. when i speak of my issues to not so close people im always factual when i share my story, never emotional-only when sharing with people i trust. often ive heard later by people they thought my physical problems were a fib for attention. sometimes i take it to heart and sometimes i laugh it off.

my goal is to find some kind of normal consistent thought pattern because i seem to be all over the place. i think it would also be good if i could open up to the unknown a bit and not be so rigid in how i think things need to be. going with the flow without feeling the need to take control is something i wish i could do.

thanks

Id say physically, the tense muscles and acne #1. the acne is not insanely terrible but more than id like. the muscle thing is like a fibromyalgia neuromuscular type disorder. laying down, heat and hot/cold therapy help temporarily. being active and stretching is needed, but i push myself too hard too soon and it ends up doing more harm than good. i just dont quite get *why* i am in poor health other than my mind is at the root cause of pain. Tension Myositis Syndrome?? tarpityoga.com gives a simple description. physical ailments and fatigue all started with me being overly emotional and unable to cope with my bf's death when i was 17 and it snowballed from there. but literally just about every body system of mine has been affected since then, lymphatic, circulatory, chest/breast area, i formed allergies, etc. i eat healthy, no more allopathic meds, i get enough sleep... I think i can manage it all if i could just work thru this pain and fatigue and *emotions* that always follows when i stretch or work out. the fatigue really gets me down and emotions pop up out of nowhere.

Mentally, confidence and communication are my biggest issue. if i feel like im confident its almost like a false sense, i only think i m confident temporarily when i get an ego boost from others. i cant clear my mind long enough to get to the real reason why i have such a low self esteem. i get comments all the time on how pretty i am and how thin and fit i look but man, i see and feel all the negative things. so confidence and helping me see the positive, and to be gentle and open to love and care for others, and myself, without fear of being hurt.

so..

a balance in my emotional/mental state i think is the biggest thing. it disrupts the following:

1. acne/muscle pain
2. confidence/willpower
3. loving/trusting
4. seeing the positive.

hayfever has been overbearing this year but the season is almost over. symptoms lightened up a little bit.

hope this helps, and i so appreciate you trying to figure out a remedy. i drive myself nuts trying to figure out what i can do to feel better. it seems to all come back to my emotional issues...and those...i have no idea where they come from because they have been with me all my life.

thanks

oh, and obviously...the fears of flying seem to be consistent. fears in general. those i can avoid dealing with, but fatigue and pain i cant avoid.

1. yes. when i was 17 i quit using heavy iv drugs and it was around the same time i met my bf. around the time i graduated high school he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. i felt like i needed to 'be there' for him and he wouldnt let me physically be there. it was around this time that my daily workouts started slowing down, i became fatigued easily. before that i was getting pretty strong. if i remember, i think anger and grudges motivated much of my workouts but when i became depressed i couldnt even be angry enough for to workout. i cried a lot, and i developed the discomfort burning pain in my back. from there it just got worse, affected my neck and spread to affect my legs and arms more around age 21. chiropractors called it scoliosis and whiplash that never got treated.

2. Perhaps yes. When younger i think i just didnt have an outlet to express my emotions. i was full of them. i did not feel i could speak with my parents freely because they were the authority, i was the child. i did not know at the time it was them who did not know how to express feelings and emotions and so i felt bad almost for having so many emotions and wanting more hugs and kisses and i love yous. the anger came from not being able to express myself. perhaps anger towards my parents for not recognizing or helping me get out what i was feeling. todays frustration and anger comes from me trying so hard to get better, with my health, my emotions, communication etc. but perhaps i snap when i feel like my efforts are not recognized or understood. if im not understood or even if i seem to not understand something i get angry. i feel like im doing this all by myself. even when i broke down crying recently around my parents and explained this to them they still just had no idea what to say or do. so i usually try to quietly accept it, that maybe i shouldnt want help from those close to me, or maybe i don't even know what kind of help i need...the little things add up and then lately ive been snapping to the point of needing to scream and throw things. i havent done this since i was 22. the bf i had at that time, i would get so upset with that situation i threw and broke plates, damaged the walls. i dont think i would go to that extent today. screaming and crying seem to help but its impossible for me to do this in anyone's presence.

3. Erratic. I have both though. The depressive feelings haven't been around as of lately but i think it still lingers underneath the surface. I've been emotionally disturbed since as long as i remember. I even have a memory when i was 1 year old where i was being pushed in a stroller thru this fake train. it was dark and i remember being so impressed when we got out into the light. I've surely never been to the point of suicide, but i have often felt hopeless. But yes, I'd say very unpredictable emotional thought patterns. Not even I know where a thought comes from sometimes and before I know it I'm thinking i need to leave town or act a different way or cut someone out of my life. i am by nature an on the go person and i like to work with my hands. the physical pain and mental tension has slowed this down a lot and i get depressed from that. its like i don't know how to be happy sometimes, even when I'm happy. It never seems to last because an unwanted thought or emotion comes a long and unsettles me.

1. No. I enjoy thunderstorms when in the safety and comfort at home. Don't care for them if i feel they are threatening safety or I am driving.

2. I do have moles. not a whole lot but i do tan easily and even though i am caucasian i am often asked if i am mixed with something more 'ethnic'.

3. I am empathetic towards others. if i do not understand their feelings, i want to try. i do not so much worry about relatives. but the man in my life..yes.

4. I am usually independent. more so when i was younger, a bit more cautious these days. Have been known to be very obstinate even though i am open to learning different things. i do not tolerate reprimand. i either get defensive or ignore it altogether.

5. I LOVE music. i would love to be able to dance fluidly but my physical stiffness and pain is an obstacle. this depresses me sometimes or makes me jealous of those who can move more freely than i. I play the piano and have recently enjoyed getting back into it and it seems to be a nice way for me to express some feelings. tho i am a perfectionist, would always like to be better.

6. Yes Sometimes its hard for me to think straight and follow along in conversation, or to keep my attention. Reading and comprehension is more difficult for me than math and science.

7. Sometimes. I know my loss is something many have gone thru and they have been able to move on. i feel ive lost my health, and i feel like its my fault for not being able to cope with emotions effectively.

8. Yes. I spend more time thinking about how to do something perfectly that I end up not doing it properly at all.

9. Yes. Only if i don't have to ask for it. If i have to ask to be consoled i pretty much dont want it anymore or refuse to accept it. It seems fake if they have to try too hard and i don't want them to be uncomfortable.

10. No. I sweat little and i may only sweat when i have my heating pad on and under many covers.

11. Sometimes. I start out on my back. then i may turn to my side with one leg up to my chest. or i turn on my stomach with arms over head and one leg bent up. or if im realy really cold or sad i will curl up in fetal but cant stay in one position for too long.

12. Yes. im a portrait and graphic artist. i notice details in art around me.

13. People think im creative since im an artist. but most of my art is things i have to have a reference to to create. (example: a portrait i draw, i use a picture to refer to. or if i design a logo i look at other logos to get ideas flowing) I draw, play piano, and design graphics for a film company. Not as creative as i would like to be.

14. No extra responsibility. My parents had to pay us kids to do chores and even brush our teeth at times. Didn't teach us much, did most things for us because it was easier for them. Looking back we were mostly well behaved but i wouldn't call it disciplined. The only domination at a young age may have come from my older brother, and i may have tried to dominate my younger brother. and there was the abusive relationship when i was 19/20.

15. I have not noticed any blue tinge.

16. Yes.

17. I like to read now. But its still hard to stay focused and sit still at times because my mind is not just on reading. i have a lot of books i haven't read yet because i think i have to be 'ready' to absorb the content.

Everything holds.

I do not read med literature *as much* as before. but am still drawn to it.

I forgot..i did lose an aunt when i was 10 that i felt was a pretty big deal at the time to me. it was the first death i experienced in the family, she had lymphoma cancer for 2 years. i do worry about my mom sometimes, i do not want her to end up with cancer like her sister (a different aunt of mine who is fighting her 2nd round of cancer). but i also realize i cant change my families mind on their lifestyle/eating habits. so i just accept it.

So yes, everything holds.

I can not think of anything extra to put, I'm sure if I tried I would ramble. When reading my list above, I noticed a trend in not being able to 'keep still' in my mind, and 'uncomfortable' and having to move often when sleeping, sitting, standing. Not able to keep still or quiet the mind.

Thank you.